The Swerved with Stephen Rivera: You Got Swerved

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 100th

2010-09-27T00:56:00.000-07:00

WWE Women's Championship Lumberjill Match
Michelle McCool or Layla (c) vs. The Joker

Vickie fell
Kelly smells
Kaval rubbed his head
Michelle McCool taught in middle school
Then woke up in a Deadman's bed

Rosa likes rope skipping
Tiffany is missing
Rookie Divas are chair sitting
Layla should do most of the work
Since her partner can't control her kicking

Eve gets krunky
Natalya is stumpy
Maryse's stock falls like Humpty Dumpty
Do you know how I got these scars?
Excessive smiling did this to me

The Question:
Who wins and how?

4

2010-09-27T00:41:00.000-07:00

Hello, Swerved Nation. On the four-year anniversary of this blog, I bet you are wondering why you are reading these words, rather than watching strippers jump out of a cake. The answer is simple. For one, I do not appreciate strippers who are eager to ruin celebratory food. For two, I am afraid that this may not be the best time for an adult celebration. As the hilarious and informative memories come flooding back into your mind, hold onto them as if they were your children or most prized possessions. If you believe your children are your most prized possessions, that's fine. Whatever. I'm not here to judge. Let those memories tide you over as I embark on a new adventure. I have agreed to become a missionary.

When the Professional Wrestling Missionary Organization offered this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to me, I was thrilled. If you turn on the right kind of news, you will see men and women from all parts of the world, struggling to live happy and healthy lives. Originally, I thought my job was to teach clueless but eager lovers from Third World countries how to properly chain wrestling moves together until they ended up in the missionary position. Even though that is not my actual goal, I aim to impart the rest of my knowledge to them. First, I must consult my library of wrestling encyclopedias to uncover an aspect of the business that does not involve getting it on, but that shouldn't take long. I don't think those sections contain pictures.

In the event I do not make it back to this glorious sanctuary, I urge you to celebrate the four-year milestone on my behalf. Pin the tail to the donkey part of your choice. Spend as many seconds in the heavenly closet as you want. Do not let the DJ tell you when to throw your hands up in the air and shake it like a Shake Weight. Once the party dies down, all I ask is that you take care of my to-do list. As you can tell from this mighty list, I have many responsibilities. While I do not expect you to accomplish twenty tasks out of twenty, I believe in you. You are capable of knocking off a quarter of them (at the most).

Whatever happens, remember that The Swerved was the place we made together so that we could swerve one another. The most important part of my life was the time that I swerved with you. That's why all of us are here. Nobody swerves alone. I swerved you and you swerved me. Swervedspeed, my people.

1) Please take care of Kaitlyn for me. Since last week's episode of NXT, she has been recovering from Michelle McCool's kick of jealousy and hatred at my palatial estate. I know she appeared on SmackDown three days later showing no signs of pain or discomfort, but trust me. She was hurting on the inside. To pick up her spirits, I have let Kaitlyn give me several wedgies. I told her that each wedgie was stronger than the last, but that is a lie. The kick has weakened her, leaving my undergarments loosely wedged up my buttocks. It's not even bunching. I'm not sure how to break it to her.

2) Please urge R-Truth to stop telling people how to live their lives. At first, R-Truth only wanted know how and what we were doing with our ourselves. Now, he is forcing us to "knuckle up" and "get krunk." You are asking wrestling fans to engage in two physical activities — one of which involves acquiring an intangible item. I did not see either activity mentioned in the TV Guide summary for Friday Night SmackDown. Besides, Eve is already following your instructions. Why are you so demanding, Ron Killings? What is up with you?

3) Please tell Aladdin that is he is not alone anymore. The Undertaker's urn has returned. As of this moment, there are now two men who get ahead in life with the help of a mystical, golden container. Aladdin does not have to settle for Jasmine. Finally, he can date a woman who doesn't look like she could be his cousin or sister.

4) Please keep John Cena from using the dropkick ever again. World Wrestling Entertainment cannot afford to lose its top star to such a high risk, death-defying move. If he does the collar-and-elbow tie-up, hold him down until he learns how to cool those jets. Ground that purple and yellow, aerodynamic wonder.

5) Please instruct motorcycle helmet manufacturers to increase the density and thickness of their products. Lacey Von Erich has immediately recovered from helmet-assisted blows to the head long enough. Perhaps they should start modelling their helmets after the contents and shape of her sturdy cranium.

6) Please ask Vickie Guerrero about in-ring and out-of-ring boyfriends. I was under the impression that WWE romances weren't location specific. In particular, I want to know what happens if a woman's in-ring boyfriend makes it to the ropes at any point in the relationship. Is that relationship over, or does it continue until the counsellor can determine the winner?

7) Please tell TNA that lesbians are not always the answer. Disingenuous displays of girl-on-girl affection are capable of enlivening the following events: tractor pulls, taco restaurant grand openings, crew cut competitions, t.A.T.u. concerts, impromptu pillow fights, planned pillow fights, and slack fittings. Let it be known that I did not mention that these displays increase ratings or interest in a weekly, confusing wrestling show.

8) Please bury me in a glass case of cement. Use the fancy kind, not the store-bought brand. I see no blue on my collar. At my hairline, remember to stop pouring the liquid cement. Do not bury me any further or I cannot come back to life via unprecedented coffin resurrection at a later date.

9) Please congratulate MVP on regaining his sleeves. The VIP Lounge gets chilly in the Fall. I didn't want him to catch a cold. Thanks to sleeves, errbody in the club getting comfy.

10) Please take that brown suit jacket away from CM Punk. Before he became Batman, I'm pretty sure Bruce Wayne gave him that jacket in confidence. Now, I suspect Punk was warm the whole time. Batman and I are disappointed with his decision to wear the jacket for pleasure and business.

11) Please thank John Morrison for bringing parkour to WWE television. The stylish traversal of a diverse environment is the perfect way to distract people from the fact that you are an expert on hippopotamus breath. Apparently, you know hippopotamus breath so well that you can compare it to the breaths of other mammals. You could have just walked down that hallway, but no. You must think. The smoky and woody scent of that hippo's mouth air has inspired many an analogy.

12) Please note that Fourtune is my favourite wrestling stable of the past ten years. Well-dressed men who wear sunglasses indoors, give sexually suggestive shout outs to Matt Hardy with their hands, and don't know how to spell fortune are my kind of people. I'm over Ric Flair, though. Matt Hardy does not find four fingers any more pleasurable than three. I would even dare to say that the addition of the fourth finger would hurt Matt's special area.

13) Please help Jay Lethal live out better dreams. I don't care how you get it done. Maybe he needs a warmer glass of milk, or a larger number of sheep to count. No normal young man dreams of winning, then losing, then winning the fourth most important championship in the second largest promotion in North America by default. If he wants to dream small, he might as well dream about winning a free scratch ticket made possible by scratching his first ticket.

14) Please gussy up the Hell in a Cell before the Pay-Per-View. For years, this cell has been unfairly treated, written off as a cesspool of death and destruction. Recently, I purchased floral wallpaper and a matching living room set. All you need to do is buy a 50-inch, high-definition television with surround sound, silk drapes, a miniature refrigerator, and a framed portrait of the family to hang over the mantle. This portrait would feature the Hell in a Cell, the Kennel from Hell, the steel cage, the blue steel cage, and the Punjabi Prison (the black sheep of the family) posing together in knitted Christmas sweaters. Let us turn this hell into a home.

15) Please interrogate Ricardo Rodriguez. I want to know where he hid the bodies. If he tells you they were in Del Rio's piñata, tie him to the ceiling. Next, smack him across the face with a festive piñata stick until the truth comes out. Those piñatas were intended for fun purposes only.

16) Please weld two folding chairs together to accommodate Naomi's gargantuan buttocks. Folding chair technology will not improve itself. That way, she will be able to dedicate one seat to each cheek. World Wrestling Entertainment can charge her twice as if she is a fat person required to purchase two seats on an airplane.

17) Please give my regards to the Knockouts as they attempt to rule the Pay-Per-View world with TNA Mad Sexy: Volume 1. All night long, these sexy and sensual bombshells will wear next to nothing while angrily reacting to alarming discoveries. Watch The Beautiful People as they wash their car in skimpy bikinis, then find a parking ticket under the wiper blade of the windshield. Witness Madison Rayne and Tara give each other a sensual and somewhat uncomfortable massage before expressing their outrage at the rising prices of energy and oil. As an added bonus, the newly-acquired Mickie James will perform a striptease at a rally boycotting mediocre country music. TNA Mad Sexy: Volume 1 — rage has never been this sexy.

18) Please postpone my upcoming threesome with Ted DiBiase and Maryse. Your predictions were right. For the past few weeks, I was the one sending them romantic messages via piece of paper and Titantron screen. This might surprise you, but I never had simultaneous relations with a wealthy, second-generation wrestler and a French-Canadian woman before. I can only assume that simultaneous relations with a wealthy, French-Canadian wrestler and a second-generation woman does not compare. I have unchecked the box on my bucket list.

19) Please thank Cody Rhodes for his informative grooming tips. From this point forward, I have cut my average lap time in half. I do not know why his tips have turned me into a competitive swimmer. Regardless, he should be rest assured that my skin is as smooth and hairless as that of a super-hot baby.

20) Please tell my son that I want him back, but I still don't know how.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 99th

2010-09-20T00:24:00.000-07:00

World Heavyweight Championship No Holds Barred Match
Kane (c) vs. Day Man

Big Red
Got up on the wrong side of the bed
Demon with one contact lens
You're a master of distant reading as long as you keep your good eye open

Big Red, Big Red (uhh ahh ahh)
Ran out of towels to cover his bald head (uhh ahh ahh)
Magician from the underworld
Twenty-minute lighting tricks delight few boys and girls

Big Red

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Join us as we celebrate The Swerved's fourth anniversary. Would you like to see The Swerved celebrate its fifth, sixth, and eighty-fifth anniversary? Speak now or forever speak later.

AND

You are like the Rosa Parks of Maxim. Somebody has got to do something. Those were not the 100 Sexiest Women.

ECW Another One Night Stand

2010-09-20T00:17:00.000-07:00

For the longest while, I thought 2005 was my year. All signs pointed to that period of 365 days as the one that made an international superstar out of yours falsely. Now that I have returned to my vault for this very special edition of The Swerved: Special Edition, I must admit what I was wrong. Kelly Clarkson sang "Since U Been Gone" and "Because of You," not me. I was neither Harry Potter, nor his fiery goblet. Worst of all, I did not compete in the first Money in the Bank Ladder Match at WrestleMania 21. I’m not Shelton Benjamin. It turns out that 2005 was just a ladder-climbing-heavy year for me. No briefcase was involved. Stairs and I had a falling-out until 2007.

When push comes to pull comes to shove, all that I can confirm is that 2005 planted the seeds for the site before you today. Way back in Pioneer Times, I wrote my first professional wrestling article for The Armpit (I originally wanted to write for The Inner Thigh, but we don't get everything we want in life). As other websites deemed my work to be too hot or cold for the Internet, a kind young man with locks of gold thought my stuff was just right. He called himself the Wrestling Professor. For an individual wealthy enough to change his first name to an active verb and his last name to a collegiate occupation, he saw something special in me that nobody else bothered to see: fifty bucks hidden in my wallet. After handing over my amateur gigolo earnings, he gave me my chance to shine.

As you join me in this look back at the origins of The Swerved, keep in my mind that I was a different person in 2005. Back then, I thought professional wrestling consisted of two guys competing in tuxedos and white gloves. Whenever one of them was about to go for a move, he would have to sign and submit a series of documents to finalize its execution. In 2010, I have begrudgingly accepted that this entertainment sport is often unprofessional. The men and women of the industry don't tuck in their shirts. Sometimes, they don't even wear shirts.

Five years ago, I pictured a future in which the hardcore alumni of Extreme Championship Wrestling could not get enough of reuniting with each other. Five years later, they reunite to survive, destroying all innocent objects in their path. Run, tables, chairs, and households utensils. You are not safe here. The spoons can stay, though. The world needs to enjoy pudding the right way.

*****
Due to the success of 2005's One Night Stand, Vince McMahon has called for yet another ECW reunion Pay-Per-View. In place of the invasion storyline that played a significant part in last year's event, Mr. McMahon insisted on the increased participation of World Wrestling Entertainment superstars and personalities for inter-promotional matches and angles. What resulted from this move was a night of surprises, mayhem, and extremeness that wrestling enthusiasts will surely never forget.

ECW Another One Night Stand sponsored by WWE Films' Oh My! starring Michael Cole
Tagline: Extremely Extreme To The Extreme Extremities
Live from the Bingo Hall in Bingo Hallington, USA (June 20, 2006)
(Thanks to Michael Cole's recent transformation into a snide, play-by-play-announcing jerk face, WWE Films/Studios is better off not releasing this hypothetical movie. Hypothetical good for them. If they want to avoid another legendary disaster, I say they should call upon the acting talents of Michael Cole's gong.

I have written a screenplay called Gong Baby Gong. The story is about two gongs trying to find the kidnapper of a young gong. Ben Affleck is in talks to direct and bang the gongs. How about it, WWE? I have submitted an e-mail to you that is actually a piece of paper on top of a computer keyboard. Read the screen, but read what is on the keyboard more as that it where I have somehow put the important information.)

Match 1:
Impact Players w/ Dawn Marie and Jason vs. Snitsky and Edge w/ Bacne and Lita
This was a very good opener. Crowded chanted, "I completely trust her around my friends and acquaintances," toward Lita. Snitsky got in a lot of Lucha Libre moves on Storm and Credible, including a corkscrew plancha on the Players through a table, three chairs, and the Earth's crust.

Finish came when Barry Bonds interfered with a baseball bat — made entirely out of steroids — and struck Credible before Edge got the pin. Lita and Dawn Marie engaged in a catfight, rolling around the ring pretending to be carpets unravelling. Elsewhere, Jason wondered how he was supposed to physically fight back acne. After the match, Matt Hardy ran into the ring, shook Edge's hand, and called him an amazing human being. Fans popped for this big time with high fives and fist pumps all around. Edge said something about him being Money and Lita being the bank that he was in. Matt Hardy shook his head, crossed his arms, and mouthed, "That's my Edge."

Rating:***
(Today, I am glad that Matt Hardy is doing well. You heard me. Matt Hardy is enjoying a happy and healthy lifestyle as I type. Most of you will disagree with me, but I judge a person's well-being by the manner in which he talks about himself in hotels and other public establishments. Matt is doing whatever he needs to do to get wherever he needs to get. In my opinion, the less knowledge you have about your future tasks or locations, the better. For instance, I have no idea where I will be in five minutes. I'm just going to drive my motorized tricycle onto the highway and see what happens. The wind will take me where it may.)

Match 2:
Tommy Dreamer vs. Raven
Terrible bout with no storyline. Before the match, Raven got on the mic and challenged people in the audience to a $14,000 Raven Symoné Challenge to see who could do the best impression of Olivia from The Cosby Show.

Dreamer's new theme ("La La" by Ashlee Simpson) played and he ran around the bingo hall as the crowd sang along word for word. Just as Raven was about to attack Dreamer from behind, Dreamer yelled, "Raven F'n Symone!" to monster cheers and caned Raven in the face with a chopstick. Raven had the crimson mask and looked out of it until he took a vat of Undertaker-flavoured tobacco juice and offered it to Dreamer. Tommy drank the whole thing as a nod to his incredibly successful WWE persona, but it was for naught. Raven low-blowed and pinned him quickly after that. The match lasted 10 seconds, which I will never get back.

(Besides his current role as TNA's articulate wordsmith, Tommy Dreamer's "Devour Everything in Sight" gimmick was my favourite incarnation of him. During his successful stint in World Wrestling Entertainment, I was quite disappointed that nobody else told or showed me what inedible liquids and solids they could consume. With the intensity of a thousand screaming suns, I said, "Every single one of you should be more like Tommy. I know he drinks Barbasol. If you are a guest in my house, what am I going to serve you? Water? Poison? I only buy those drinks for people I know. Since you won't tell me what you drink, you are no guest of mine.)

Rating:1/2*

JBL Promo
John "Bradshaw" Layfield came out in a limo with the ECW logo on the sides and a longhorn wrapped in barb wire on the hood. As he stood in the ring for his upcoming battle, every fan in the arena rose to their feet and chanted "J-B-L" for a good hour. Bradshaw was clearly emotional and bowed to the crowd in humble fashion. He talked about how he loved ECW. Although he never worked there, he was a big fan of tables, chairs, and other furniture that have the potential to be utilized as weapons. He gave a shout out to the Blue Meanie and began to do the Meanie dance to an enormous ovation.

Later, he commented that he loved his hat and being Republican, but loved Republican hats even more since they never married other hats of the same sex. As he was about to leave, Hardcore Holly walked down to the ring. They both did the Meanie dance to all four sides of the building. It was an excellent segment that should become the staple clip of your wrestling tape library.

Match 3:
Stephanie McMahon vs. Paul Heyman
There were tests of strength and breasts vs. baldness at the start of match, followed by exchanges of tilt-a-whirl hurricanranas. Steph put on her ECW beret in the middle of the match and started to do pantomime as Heyman put on a fake moustache and twirled a baguette in his hands. "French stereotypes are accurate representations of the citizens therein," said the crowd, who then drank a spot of tea and put on their gold-rimmed monocles. Heyman busted out the top rope elbow drop and almost won with Sweet Chest Music, but was caught off guard and pinned with the Ponytail Chokeslam onto a steel chair.

Both competitors were over huge and congratulated one another at the end of the match. They raised each other's hand and dosey-doed in the ring for a few minutes before pantomiming and twirling bread once more. A very exciting and quickly paced match-up.

(During the Invasion, Stephanie shocked us all by coming down to the ring as the new leader of ECW. At that very instant, I became her biggest fan entirely because of her leather beret. Without question, Stephanie McMahon understands what it takes to be a strong, female authority figure. First and last of all, you need stylish and alternative headwear.

You see, a woman wearing a regular wool beret deserves little to no respect. Appearing as though you recently jumped out of Target's Fall catalogue makes you ready to visit a pumpkin patch with your toddlers, not lead a group of co-operative extremists. On the other hand, a woman with a leather beret commands respect. If you are wearing a leather beret, you mean business. In and away from France, you are wearing cow skin to keep the top of your head warm. I am not worthy.)

Rating:***1/2

Match 4:
Jerry Lynn vs. Rob Van Dam
RVD and Jerry Lynn died on the way back to their home planet.

Rating: Zero stars.

Match 5:
Triple H vs. Joey Styles
This match was announced last week when Joey Styles ran down to the ring and attacked Triple H with leftover coin collections unsold from his infomercial.

Triple H went retro with his Connecticut Blue Blood attire while Joey Styles wore Henry Godwinn-like overalls. Insane spot in the match occurred when Styles back-body dropped Triple H into a hog pen and we accidentally went back in time.

The story of the bout was HHH kept on using the Pedigree but Styles would always kick out of it. Once Joey went to use the Pedigree for himself, Triple H escaped and hit him with the sledgehammer. Hunter proceeded to use the sledgehammer to attack the ring announcer, open a bottle of wine, and cure various diseases. Styles made a babyface comeback to "We Want Fables" chants led by Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley. They watched the rest of the match from the entranceway as Styles told Triple H about The Goose With The Golden Egg.

(In this scenario, Joey Styles changed parts of the story to keep Hunter from getting too upset.

One day, a countryman and wife came across their goose, who laid a golden egg. Taking the egg home, they discovered that it was real following an intricate, CSI-esque investigation. As the goose continued to lay one golden egg per day, the man and his wife became rather wealthy, selling the eggs for a profit. Believing that the goose housed the greatest and most profitable lump of gold, they chose to kill her. Once they opened up that goose, they found nothing but sons.)

Styles had the visual pin, but Triple H escaped for he prefers stories based on Clifford the Big Red Dog. He ended up hitting the Tripleration H (Pedigree into Piledriver into Co-owner of World Wrestling Entertainment) for the win. Moments later, the Dudley Boyz hit the ring and turned on Styles with the 3-D through a 2-D world. They raised Triple H's arms in victory as they changed their names to Bubba H and H-Von Dudley. Of course, this was a great match.

Rating: ****1/2

Match 6:
Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley
At the start, both legends were almost disqualified when Flair tried to set Foley on fire and throw him through a window. To Flair’s dismay, it turns out that Foley was not a stuntman after all and is actually a semi-retired professional wrestler. Foley and Flair exchanged blows on the top turnbuckle. Mick was pushed off and Flair did the Shooting Star Press to the collective comment, "Gee, by golly that's nifty," by the ECW audience.

Foley attempted to backdrop Flair through the table but the Nature Boy held on by complimenting Triple H. Foley spread out thumbtacks as Flair — on the other side of the ring — spread out his robes to create a beautiful tapestry that is most pleasing to the eye. Flair was dropped leg first on the tacks, which somehow made his hair turn from white to red. That’s a great visual no matter how it happens.

In turn, Foley was dropped on the robes and sold the impact by taking a nap. Flair applied the Figure Four Leg Lock, but Mick made it to the ropes. Then, Flair chucked milk and cookies toward him, only for Mick to use a can of Ensure and some prunes to successfully put to rest the Nature Boy for the 1-2-3.

(Ric Flair and Mick Foley are two rare and honourable gentlemen who knew when it was time to hang up the boots. By now, I'm sure Mick Foley is relaxing in Long Island, New York, refusing to show love for Louie from DuckTales while talking about his close personal friends (Melina, Melina, Melina, etc). Meanwhile, Ric Flair is in some classy retirement home in North Carolina, not giving elbow drops to suit jackets while a group of well-dressed people encourage him. That is how you retire.

Shawn Michaels could learn from them. I've seen you on television, Heartbreak Kid. I was watching past matches with you in them, but I saw you in the present day. That counts more than it doesn't count.)

Rating: **

Match 7:
Taz vs. Roller-coaster Ride
Taz entered the ring to a disappointing reaction. He took his black towel and used it as a cape, jogging around the ring with his arms straight out à la Superman or a five-year-old child. He thanked ECW for giving him a chance before burying the company, talking about how he was never appreciated and never given the extra Z in his name until he went to WWE. Taz said, "Hell, if I went to WCW, I'd be Tazzz, damnit," to a lot of jeers from the crowd. He added that from now on, the “FTW” initials on his wrist tape stand for “Futons Trump Waterbeds” as only ECW fans enjoy waterbeds. He received a tremendous amount of boos for that comment.

(I’m sorry to say, but I agree with Taz(z)(z) on this one. For the most part, we share the same point of view on most mattress-related comparisons. "That sofa resembles a fat bench." I am with you on that, Taz. "Let the pigeons loose. Yambags." Wait, I thought we were talking about sofas. Keep the pigeons tethered. Also, I do not appreciate yams in any other shape than their natural form.

Fans of ECW look like the kind of people who would enjoy sleeping on a bag of water without that water ever touching them. If they are scared of anything, they are afraid of showers and being too sexy for the female eye. Do not look directly at ECW fans, ladies. You will be pregnant with multiples.)

A roller-coaster ride named Goliath walked methodically down the aisle to loud applause. Taz was infuriated by this and tried to enter the ride, but was stopped by none of than Vince McMahon himself for not being tall enough. McMahon attacked Taz with his grapefruits. Goliath won by count out. Eric Bischoff was forced to wear a dress somewhere. This was a match-of-the-year candidate.

Rating: *****

Match 8:
John "Bradshaw" Layfield and Triple H vs. ECW Alumni
The final segment featured JBL and HHH versus the entire ECW roster. The odds were stacked against them, but JBL managed to clothesline everyone with his noble arm as Triple H pedigreed people on top of other people to create an orgy of pain. One of the highlights was Sandman riding a river of beer into the bingo hall, only to be stopped by a debuting Stone Cold Linda McMahon. She drank the entire river, then used a George Foreman Grill to Sandman's forehead. A few Linda Stunners took care of the rest.

(Don't let Linda McMahon's mom haircut and Hillary Clinton pants suit fool you. Deep beneath that friendly exterior lies a hellish warrior, ready to win Senate races by awkwardly kicking others in the groin. Question: Does Connecticut require all Senate candidates to take Stone Cold Stunners without prematurely falling to the ground? No? Good. I'm just asking because I saw this one race in Washington State in which this candidate fell upwards. He failed and lost.)

Linda celebrated with JBL and HHH in the middle of that very ring. Next, the three opened up a brewery and drank more beer. Linda yelled, "This is the World Wrestling Entertainment World Order," as she took a can of rainbow spray paint and wrote wweWo on every member of ECW. The fans absolutely loved it.

The three hugged at the end of the show to ECW chants. Pyro went off and confetti rained down on the fans. This segment was so great I want to have relations with it to produce little segments of equal enjoyability.

Rating: ******************** stars out of ******

In conclusion, ECW Another One Night Stand was a big success. It had everything you could hope for and then some. This show is exactly why Extreme Championship Wrestling was so popular then and still has admirers today. There is no telling what this historic event means for the future. I don't want to jinx it, but a WCW reunion would be a sight for sore eyes. Bravo to the McMahon family and company for presenting a once-in-twenty-thousand lifetimes Pay-Per-View. Let's see if WWE Vengeance can top this extravaganza.

WWE Vengeance 2006 Card:
- Chris Masters vs. Tyson Tomko (WWE TITLE MATCH)
- JBL and Triple H vs. The World
- Mark Henry vs. Viscera (WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE LADDER MATCH)
- Diva Search 2006 Competition: Diva Brain Surgery
- Eric Bischoff vs. Stone Cold Linda McMahon
- Edge vs. Matt Hardy vs. Oprah
- Chavo Guerrero vs. bad gimmicks

(Oprah Winfrey is willing to fight a rock star hobo and a regular hobo, but not me? Watch out, Oprah. Enjoy vacationing in Australia with your army of housewives. If a certain someone pops out of a kangaroo pouch and attacks you with a knife-wielding joey, don't be surprised.)

3 Steps to Success: This Old School House

2010-09-13T00:49:00.000-07:00

*****

NEXT WEEK

The Devil picks favourites now? Come on, Devbones. All demons are created equal. I thought you were cool.

AND

I don't want to be another one, paying for the things I never done.

Undefined

2010-09-13T00:38:00.000-07:00

Last Monday, I heard your laughter directed toward one Alicia Fox. Firing your hate missiles of pompous cynicism, you attacked this innocent woman for confusing one word with another. "She said undefined when she should have said undisputed. I am audibly expressing my amusement with repetitive mouth sounds. I feel empty." Bravo to you, good fellows. I would bow down before you, but I might accidentally breathe on your golden pedestal. As she cried on the inside, I hope you revelled in the moment on the outside. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. How do you sleep at night, in the morning, and at noon?

For the first time in the history of this site, I must say that I do not think much of you. Besides being a decent human being with a sassy walk, Alicia Fox wasn't wrong in proclaiming herself to be the “undefined champion of Divas.” Just because you never heard the term before does not mean she made it up on the spot. Perhaps you should join your country's Olympic Track & Field team. Why is that, you ask? Because you guys and gals would be perfect for the long jump as you seem to have no problem jumping from one ignorant conclusion to another.

If I must clear Alicia's name by defining the undefined Diva, I will make no hesitation to do so. Around the world, young and impressionable girls are at a crossroads, trying to figure out which life path is best for them. For their sake, I hope they embrace the advantages of a life undefined. Once they're old enough, they can spend their days confusing and frustrating those who do not take kindly to alternative ways of speaking. I thought we were living in 2010, not 2009.

I have many hats. In addition to being an gifted writer, actor, and dancer, I am a talented defender of WWE Divas. Before I throw down the knowledge, somebody fetch me my Alicia Fox Apologist hat with the fancy feathers.

Show Your Range
An undefined Diva is capable of showing many emotions. More often than not, these women turn out to be successful and accomplished performers of the stage and screen. Around town, they can be seen with their heart on their sleeve, made possible by a strenuous, twelve-hour operation. First, a surgeon removes the Diva's heart from her chest. After the heart is separated from her body, a group of seamstresses stitch the heart onto the sleeve of her garment of choice. When the heart and sleeve are one, the Diva is free to wear said piece of clothing anywhere she may roam.

In World Wrestling Entertainment, Melina is one of the only individuals who has undergone this painful yet beneficial procedure. The following chart shows that the current WWE Divas' Champion never hides her feelings, opening up to a world that is often kind, but always cruel. If you are a female who does not boast a symmetrical face of stone, you are likely an undefined champion of Divas.

Begin and Maintain A Vague Relationship With The Big Show
The Big Show — The World's Largest Athlete (If You Don't Consider The Great Khali To Be An Athlete) — has befriended such lovely ladies as Joy Giovanni and Kelly Kelly. In both instances, wrestling fans have no clue how those friendships happened, nor what they entail. One moment, Joy Giovanni is standing there without a friend (special or not). The next moment, she is vaguely palling around with The Big Show while occasionally being trapped in limousine trunks. In the case of Kelly Kelly, I guess her friendship with Show started out of her enjoyment for sitting on shoulders while questioning the comedy of others. When our family band was still together and touring, Kelly used to sit on my shoulder until it got tired. If Kelly learned how to play any instrument other than the tambourine, maybe we could schedule a reunion tour.

With or without explanation, an undefined Diva is not afraid to befriend The Big Show. This lack of fear is due to the fact that she does not know when that friendship will begin, nor what will it take to maintain it. One day, The Big Show will show up to your house and start playing with your Legos. If you let him, you will soon find comfort in your undefined skin.

Know The Consequences Of Your Actions
The carefree lifestyle of a WWE performer affects Divas in different ways. For some, the freedom of travelling the globe in skimpy and glamourous clothing is a welcome break from everyday adulthood. For others, a life of luxury and zero responsibility leads to their ultimate downfall. In the event that you acquire a championship title, think before you act. The last thing you want to do is make a choice that you will regret, such as splitting the championship in half with your Best Friend Forever.

The differences between Divas with whole and partial WWE Women's Championship titles are staggering. Random studies that you can find at your local library show that WWE Divas with whole championships are 80% less susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases. Another study in the November 2008 issue of the Boston Medical Pop-Up Journal claims that the jagged end of real and replica WWE Women's Championship title pieces caused over 2,000 fatal eye injuries to children and animals under six years of age. No matter which version of the title you hold, an undefined Diva is already aware of these advantages and disadvantages.

Your parents and teachers told you about the dangers of splitting championship titles in half. While a number of you took that advice to heart, a few of you didn't bother to listen. At the time, you thought nobody would get hurt, but the five minutes of fun you had ended up creating a lifetime of regret. Now, you must look after your broken title piece like a newborn babe. In addition to ruining a perfectly good belt, you've brought great responsibility upon yourself. How are you going to pay for your broken title's education?

Scream Like You Mean It
An undefined Diva must be capable of accentuating her moves — wrestling-related or otherwise. That does not mean you have to dip your naked self in gold or rent a smoke machine that gives off too much or not enough smoke. The moment you wish to express that you are executing or receiving a move in a violent fashion, transform into almost every other WWE Diva. Next, scream as if you are being groped by a sketchy stranger with brute strength. I am not an undefined Diva for I am somewhat of a man, but let me tell you that I have a hoot and a half, screaming while participating in various activities. Yesterday, I screamed before depositing money in my Swiss bank account. That added up to be a lot of screaming during the eight-hour-long flight from Canada to Switzerland.

Once more, I must give it up to Melina. She is one of those rare Divas who has mastered the screech. Now that I think about it, you might as well scrap everything I told you earlier in favour of copying Melina. As she teaches you how to scream, she may give a bonus lesson in executing flashy moves in inappropriate situations. If your opponent is in position for one move, do something that is in no way related to that body position. Have fun with it. Your opponent won't mind.

"Dance" (Unless You Are Kaitlyn)
You can't see me, but I am currently judging your method of dance through the computer screen. I detect that you are attempting to wiggle then drop your posterior as if it is hot in temperature (Celsius). Those of you with a partner appear to be engaging in a slow to medium-speed dance to a romantic rap beat. I conclude that these dance styles have one thing in common: they are the befitting dances of an undefined Diva. Remembers those formative years you spent in tap, jazz, and ballroom dance competitions? If you do, get out of my face, people who are nowhere near my face. Get out of my face from a greater distance. All you adequate dancers can leave, except Kaitlyn. She can do the robot.

Any respectful gentlemen should treat every woman like a rose, but I cannot help myself. Once Kaitlyn did the robot, I had a vivid vision that she would become the mother of 89 of my 97 future children. Several years ago, my mother won my father's heart via robot dance. At first, my father was attracted to her because he thought she was an actual robot who enjoyed dancing despite her limited mobility. When she proved she was human five years later, my father was disappointed yet still impressed. Today, I am in his shoes. Because you are not in Kaitlyn's shoes, I recommend that you perfect the dance of the undefined Diva.

The Undefined Diva
Do you show any or all qualities associated with an undefined Diva? Assuming that you do, The Swerved's team of artists have come up with an accurate graphical representation of your appearance:

Best of luck to you on your quest to undefined greatness.

3 Steps to Success: Fudge Cluster

2010-09-06T00:32:00.000-07:00

*****

NEXT WEEK

Starting this moment... from now... from this moment on... this will be the moment... starting now... of the genesis... of starting moments.

AND

It's too late to change your mind. You let laws be your guide.

FemmeXT

2010-09-06T00:21:00.000-07:00

The debut of NXT Season 3 is approaching. Do you know where your children are? If so, you better drag them back to the house and park them in front of the television set. Despite Season 2 ending no more than a week ago, a wilder and younger bunch of rookies are ready to show the world what they have to offer: attractive female parts. I am so excited for this all-Diva edition of NXT that I want to run into the ring, try to save a female version of Kaval from a beat down, then easily give up and watch her get pummelled. World Wrestling Entertainment feels the same way, except they want to run onto SyFy, show a 6'9" woman, then hide her in Florida until further notice.

This time, let us bid farewell to the Balls Banquet and welcome the Yeast Feast. In what will be a lengthy competition that could last upwards of four weeks, five lovely ladies will fight for the right to be the next WWE Diva. Being a NXT Rookie Diva is not enough for them. They must be smart, sexy, and powerful at the major league level. Although the last two winners of NXT won a shot at a championship title of their choosing, these women know that "WWE Diva" is the only title worth fighting for in the entire company. Championship reigns are fleeting. Bona fide prima donnas last forever.

Depending upon your point of view, The Swerved's oddsmakers may or may not have given accurate predictions for the last season of NXT. If you looked directly at the predictions, they missed the mark. If you looked at the predictions from a great distance through a pinhole camera while wearing three pairs of sunglasses, they could never have been more right. For Season 3, my experts have assured me that their predictions are rock solid. Place your bets before the authorities arrive.

Can the all-star, NXT Pro cast of Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Goldust, The Bella Twins, and Primo bring their rookies to the promised land? Eight out of ten innovative comediennes tell me that Goldust and Primo will be unable to find the promised land because men never ask for directions. Also, these comediennes insist that dating is difficult and expect other females to agree with their belief. As for me, I want to know what these comediennes are doing in my home. The oddsmakers invited them, didn't they? Well, they're fired.

Naomi Night and Kelly Kelly
Choreographed turn to the Internet audience. What's up, Swerved Nation? It's me — Stephen Rivera. I can't wait to talk about Kelly Kelly mentoring Naomi Night on Season 3 of NXT. Kelly's rookie is a girl after my own heart. She's fun, sassy, athletic, loves pink high-tops, and can only afford to add purple hair colouring to her bangs. When her stylist tried to add colouring to the rest of the hair, she said, "Not right now. I'm on a purple hair colouring payment plan."

Unlike the other Rookie Divas, Naomi claims that her style in the ring is very unique because she is athletic. Oh, finger snaps in a zigzag pattern. For a former Orlando Magic cheerleader on a purple hair colouring payment plan, Naomi sure is cocky/snatchy. What a statement. I am close friends with many former Orlando Magic cheerleaders. Let me tell you that they are synchronized, yet humble.

To me, Naomi Night and Kelly Kelly don't seem to have much in common at all, but I will give this pairing the benefit of the doubt. As Naomi brings her “A” game, I expect the other divas to bring their “C” game and show up to this competition greatly unprepared. Most of them will forget their kegs at home.

Odds of Winning: 8:1

Maxine and Alicia Fox
Alternating car model pose. Hello, Swerved Nation. It's your favourite inhabitant of the riverbank here — Stephen Rivera. I was not surprised that Alicia Fox was chosen to be the next NXT Pro, but I was surprised that her rookie has "champagne taste with a champagne budget." On top of Season 3 being an all-Diva competition, is WWE running with a funds management theme? Are all Rookie Divas going to tell us how they utilize their monetary assets? If so, I think this season will be a major hit with the kids. First, Naomi is paying for hair colouring through installments. Now, Maxine has dedicated the majority of her income to white sparkling wine to the extent that she does not have enough money to buy actual food. These are relatable stories involving relatable people.

According to Michael Cole, Maxine claims that she is well kept, intelligent, manipulative, motivated, and gets what she wants. She believes that men shouldn't pursue her, but men can't resist her. The fact that Maxine is confiding in Cole enough to give him a detailed description of her personality is worrisome. Plus, I doubt Maxine will have the energy to make it to the end of NXT. Champagne doesn't contain any essential nutrients.

Odds of Winning: 100:1

Aksana and Goldust
Self-loathing turn to the audience with breathable paint on my face. Hey, nation. This is Stephen Rivera. I have seen Goldust's rookie and she will star in a Shattered Dreams Production of WWE literally shattering her dreams in about two months. And when Goldust is finished with her, she will probably have to move back to Lithuania. I don't know what language they speak in Lithuania, but in North America, we speak North American. Do you speak it, lady?

Aksana (Živilė Raudonienė) declares that she is the most pretty girl in NXT, which is a bold statement for a Rookie Diva. Stating you're better looking than four other women is like X-Pac stating that he was one of the brighter stars of X-Factor. Oh, Aksana. Look at her and her medium level of self-esteem. How adorable. In addition to being beautiful and hard working, Aksana mentions that she is very athletic. In a related story, Naomi's game plan is out the window.

Personally, I am rooting for Aksana because she wants to show the other girls that they can reach whatever they feel inside. They sure can. That is usually the first thing I tell girls when I meet them.

Odds of Winning: 20:1

Jamie Keyes and The Bella Twins
Taking a sick day off from my successful escort business for RAW guest hosts, I gyrate in a seductive fashion. Hey, Swerved Nation. I'm Stephen Rivera, I'm Stephen Rivera, and we're Stephen Rivera. Just like The Bella Twins (if competitive flower wearing counts), their rookie has been competing in sports her whole life. She does look a little familiar, too. She was either the ring announcer for NXT Season 2 or took 4th place at the 2010 Competitive Flower Wearing Championship in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

I think of Jamie Keyes as the pioneer of NXT Season 3, complete with an ultra sexy pioneer dress and matching bonnet. To my knowledge, she is the first rookie to fight for a chance to work for World Wrestling Entertainment while working for World Wrestling Entertainment. Good for her. Apparently, ring announcing has given Jamie the opportunity for the crowd to get to know her. I can see where Jamie is coming from as her job was to introduce everybody but herself.

I have high hopes for The Bella Twins and Jamie Keyes. In the end, perhaps Nikki and Brie will be better mentors than Michelle McCool and Layla. After all, they are expanding on a tried and true NXT tradition. They are proof that it takes two women to show one woman how to do one man's job.

Odds of Winning: 4:1

A.J. Lee and Primo
Vacant Puerto Rican stare with an awkward Puerto Rican smile. Swerved Nation; Stephen Rivera here. I would like to tell you that Primo is a Pro in Season 3 of NXT. It's no surprise to me that WWE chose a guy like him — Mr. High School Facial Hair — to mentor and train A.J. Lee. She is a senorita, a mamacita, a maker of delicious pitas. A.J. has spunk and energy, meaning that she maintains a balanced diet. She does not have three meals of champagne per day. Maxine's nemesis has arrived.

A.J. Lee is representing all the nerds out there in the WWE Universe. Before you nerds get all hot and bothered in your undeveloped nether regions, let me clarify that A.J. is not an actual nerd. When she talks about being a nerd, she is referring to my people's definition of a nerd (the hot person's definition). In other words, she is clumsy, forgets where she puts her keys at times, and accidentally watched ten minutes of the first Star Wars prequel while channel surfing on a Sunday evening. Nevertheless, I am confident that you vote for her anyway. Loneliness shall power your right to choose.

Odds of Winning: 1:1

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 98th

2010-08-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

Nexus vs. S Club 7

Nexus
Against us tonight, c'mon yeah
Against us tonight, uh huh
Everybody against us tonight (against us tonight)
C'mon

Nexus (There won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)
Gonna wear our letter (14th letter of the alphabet)
Everybody against us tonight
Nexus (Nexus, there won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)
Gonna rely on one guy
Look like you belong without showing your inexperience

Finally Monday night
Feeling kinda nervous, wrestling alright
Gonna be lifting Mark Henry
Gonna suffer clotheslining injuries
Hey, face Cena and his nation (Cena and his nation)
Win by disqualification (disqualification)
No need for Daniel Bryan (Daniel Bryan)
But we need to get Darren Young out of here

Nexus (There won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)
Gonna wear our letter (14th of the alphabet)
Everybody against us tonight
Nexus (Nexus, there won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)
Gonna rely on one guy
Look like you belong without showing your inexperience

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

I may be rich, but I'm not Alberto Del Rio rich. I can't afford a Mexican Cody Rhodes. Some people think that I can't afford to not have a Mexican Cody Rhodes either. Therein lies the problem.

AND

Don't turn the lights on 'cause tonight I want to see you in the dark.

The Motion Pictured: The Marine 2 (Part 2)

2010-08-30T00:41:00.000-07:00

The film industry needs to wise up and take notes. You heard me. I did not stutter through type. The district of Los Angeles, California that specializes in the production and distribution of motion pictures needs to get informed. Using a writing implement such as a pen or dainty feather dipped in ink, it must jot someone else's advice down on a piece of paper, then refer to that written advice in the future when thinking about producing or distributing new motion pictures. You see, three-dimensional movies are the cinematic flavour of the year, month, and day. Moviegoers can only love ogres and dong-eating fish being thrown at them for so long. When they tire of these silly gimmicks, what will Hollywood have left? Nothing, I say. Hollywood will have nothing, unless they follow WWE Studios' game plan.

In my humble and correct opinion, WWE Studios has perfected the action movie. All you need is a professional wrestler with no prior acting experience trying to act, a blonde lady who may or may not be Australian being kidnapped by an angry man, and as many explosions and deaths that you can fit in thirty days of filming. Mix those three important elements together and you get a little thing called movie magic. With every release, it’s as if WWE Studios and 20th Century Fox are pulling a rabbit made out of millions of dollars out of a hat, which is made out of billions of dollars.

When you can get an actor who was born to play a lead role — like Ted DiBiase playing Joe Linwood in The Marine 2 — you have yourself a fine piece of cinematic goodness. On second thought, Randy Orton was originally born to play Joe Linwood, but he was born with a collarbone injury. Regardless, I am excited. If the first part of this movie was any indication, I predict more thrills, spills, chills, kills, krills, and people not named Jill than ever before. I don't know what movies previous generations liked for I am still young and hip, but let me tell you that The Marine 2 is not your grandfather and/or father's action movie. For one, this film is in colour. Also, people are talking to each other through the spoken word.

Ladies, gentlemen, gentle ladies, and ladylike men; I present to you a straight-to-video film that almost everyone saw. A DVD and Blu-ray combo pack smack dab in the popular titles section. This time, a 90-minute trip to paradise became a mission that only I could handle. It all started when they messed with the wrong professional wrestling analyst. Get ready for the conclusion of The Marine 2 starring Ted DiBiase.

Unique Scene Transition 2: Unique Scene Transition Reloaded
When you crash your jeep or jeep-like vehicle into a brick wall, what do you do? If you're Joe Linwood accompanied by your mercenary friend, you would leave the jeep, use that newly created hole in the wall as your own personal entrance, and find yourself in a unique scene transition. Forget about saving hostages. A higher power needs to show others that he does not approve of fading to black.

In the dining/hostage room, Jango Fett prevents his ninja brother (Jefjare) from stabbing a rich man in the throat. Jefjare Fett thanks his brother by running into the kitchen, kicking pots and pans, and screaming, "I want to kill them all. Ahhhh." Robin looks concerned (as she should be). Robin is never going to take Jefjare's title. Ahhhh.

Tent Fight
The commander and the diplomatic advisor are arguing about the mercenaries’ double cross. Who’s to blame? I blame their parents. The commander wants the advisor out of the tent, mission, and scene. Like the director, the commander doesn't want to see his face again because it's Jefjare Time.

Back in the kitchen, Jefjare throws around condiments and pieces of lettuce until his brother asks him to chill. Jefjare expresses his anger at the marine who killed their men. Supposedly, Robin knows the identity of this marine and starts crying joyful tears. I am equally happy. I cannot wait until John Triton makes his cameo appearance as the only marine who can save her. Joe Linwood is a marine, but can he save people? Nope. He let that kid die at the beginning of the film because he was too busy talking about books.

Four Things You Need To Know
Joe's mercenary friend wants Joe to know that his group is made up of mercenaries, which is why traitors were able to infiltrate their team. Joe’s mercenary friend is good at explanations. Darren Conner wants Robin to know that he is sorry for treating Joe Linwood like he was Ted DiBiase. As long as they are patient, Jango Fett wants his brother to know that those Westerners will pay for what they have done. Joe's mercenary friend ends Knowledge Corner by handing his gun to Joe, hoping he will deliver his message to Blondie. I did not need to know that last thing, Joe's mercenary friend. I'm sitting with the band right now, watching this movie. Debbie Harry is not pleased. To calm her down, I have asked Debbie to take my gun. She must deliver my message to Papa Roach. How you like that? I saw your CD collection. Don’t lie to me.

They Done Got Serious
Jango Fett instructs his ninjas to take Robin and Cynthia away from the group. Fight it, ladies. Do not tell them about this island's proximity to the volcanic corridor. Robin retaliates by kicking at Jango in a way that gives viewers a quick glimpse of her panties. I’m glad this movie had the guts to confirm my suspicion: the majority of females do not go commando in a tense hostage situation.

Darren Conner defends Robin, Cynthia, and the rest of the hostages by wrestling one of the ninjas to the ground and putting him in a chokehold (“The Conner Clutch”). The other ninjas release their man by striking Conner in the back with the butt of a machine gun, then kicking him in the gut. Jango points a pistol at him and claims that there will come a time when Darren Conner will be more useful to them dead than alive. By the looks of that chokehold, Conner is pretty useful now. Put him in Florida Championship Wrestling. In a few weeks, introduce him on television as NXT Season 3 Rookie Terwilliger Rosenthal.

Snorkelling Time is Over
Once again, Joe Linwood returns to the snorkelling shack to ask Church for help. Church grants Joe access to his box of goodies, chock full of item like binoculars and a dirty white object that resembles a seashell ― the ultimate hostage-saving weapon. Hesitant to join Joe on the mission, Church hands over the keys to his boat.

As Joe leaves, Church puts on his disappointed-in-himself face. A second later, he finally agrees to join the marine by slightly smiling at him. Church doesn't want to risk his life, but if he has an opportunity to shove Joe overboard, he's going to take it.

Church is a Scaredy Cat
Church drives Joe to shore, but does not wish to go any further. He says, "Give 'em, hell, marine." Joe runs away from him into the resort caves because Church is the Norman Smiley of rescue missions.

Mercenary traitors and ninjas survey the area as Joe moves toward the resort. To show his skills as a marine, he swims in the pool for a minute. Underneath the pool bridge, he gets the attention of one of the guards by splashing in the water. Once the bad guy peeks over the railing, Joe pulls him into pool and stabs him in the heart. To my surprise, the man either does not bleed or bleeds chlorine. He looks like Manny Pacquiao, too. Fight Floyd Mayweather already. Stop dying while cleaning pools.

Out of the sight from the other guards, Joe steals some leftover fireworks and approaches the resort entrance. At the makeshift military base, the commander and the diplomatic advisor argue over Joe's involvement in the hostage situation. You can cut the sexual tension with a sexy knife, at least after you splash in the water and pull the tension into the pool.

United States of Americans
Returning to the dining/hostage room, Cynthia translates the public address system announcement to her fellow captives. She tells Conner that one man, referred to as "The American," has come to save them. George Clooney's character has travelled from one motion picture to another released one year prior, looking to spare rather than end the lives of people? Good for him. What is "The Marine" going to do, though?

Outside, Jango Fett and ninjas watch as the lifeless henchmen's body is taken out of the pool. Jefjare turns away from his brother. To nobody in particular, he vows to take Joe's heart out, most likely killing him. Jango looks at his brother with a confused face. Jango is not sure if serious.

Boyeurism
A sweaty Joe Linwood refers to the advisor’s blueprints to get a better sense of the resort's layout. Using his binoculars, sweat falls from his chin as he watches Blondie ― who is actually a mercenary traitor and not a popular band from the 1970s ― run to another part of the resort. Blondie is getting Joe mighty hot and bothered. Blondie is his Phoebe Cates.

In a laundry room, Blondie and his traitor friend attach bombs to pillars before Joe interferes in their fun. He kicks a laundry hamper into Blondie, throws a knife into the heart of Blondie's traitor friend, then drives a knife further into his heart with a flying kick. Blondie crawls over to his gun, but Joe stops him by grabbing his foot and kicking him in the face. George Clooney is stuck in traffic.

Pleat the Press
While another bad guy sets up explosives in the resort caves, Joe manhandles Blondie. He confidently stumbles through his interrogation: "I know you're just in it for the money. Unless you really wanna... die... for the cause, you tell me where they are." After Blondie refuses, Joe grabs his arm and burns the flesh off in an iron press. Finally, Blondie tells him the location before his face gets shoved into the press as well.

As he is about to kill Blondie with a gunshot, he avoids Jango Fett's gunfire and takes cover in the boiler room. Jango approaches Blonde and kills him for talking anyway. Jango never trusted Blondie, perhaps because his name was Blondie.

Boiler Room Brawl
Jango Fett returns to the hostage room to speak with Darren Conner. Using his iPhone, Jango gets Conner to confirm the transfer of the monetary tribute on video. Unfortunately, Jango cuts the video off before Conner can request the hostages’ freedom. Why shouldn't you have it all? You should have it all, but Jango has the latest version of the iPhone. That is why you can't have it all.

Hiding behind the strongest pillar in the history of pillars, Joe endures a barrage of bullets until the traitors run out of ammo. A mercenary traitor throws a grenade so softly that Joe is given ample time to roll away from the blast in slow motion.

Two traitors ambush Joe. With a forceful punch to Joe's face, they celebrate with a synchronized Power Rangers pose dance. Disgusted by their dance, Joe retaliates by performing an elaborate butt-kicking ballet, highlighted by a Spin-A-Roonie and a three-way drop kick. Joe wins the brawl by kicking one traitor's head through the side of a wooden cabinet before choking the other out with his boot.

Whichever traitor did not help the other hurt Joe during that three-way drop kick deserved his demise. He’s like a potato sack race partner who just stands there and allows the other teams to win.

The Commander Enunciates
The commander informs the diplomatic advisor that Jango and his men have agreed to release the hostages, but only to him. He admits that this tactic might be Jango's way of sending a stronger message to the world ― killing a powerful government official in addition to the innocents. Once the advisor agrees to take a chance for the sake of the hostages, the commander admits that he may have misjudged him. At the end of the film, I hope they can finally spend some time together, expressing their love for each other in a secluded part of the resort. Even though they don’t know it yet, they are the Joe and Robin of this island.

Impromptu Celebration of Light
Joe distracts the hostage takers by putting on his own fireworks display. From afar, Church watches the show. He curses Joe for either being a hostage-saving genius or wasting perfectly good fireworks.

Through the dining room shadows, Joe calls Robin over to him. Obviously, Robin is glad to see him, but Joe doesn't look so thrilled. Give your wife a break, Joe. As a hostage, she doesn't have access to makeup, a bathroom, or mirrors. For a marine, you set mighty high standards for women on the brink of death. While she doesn't look hot right now, at least she's alive. Isn't that enough?

The other hostages ask Joe what to do next. In Joe's mind, he wants them to give his wife an extreme makeover. From Joe's mouth, he tells them to run, just like that pansy Church did from anything that scared him.

The Getaway
Joe points in the general direction of Freedom Town. "Go toward that part with the green things and the no-shooty-shooty people," he says through hand gestures. In an open area, he tells them to get down. Robin, Conner, and the others immediately react by taking cover as if they are performing the off-Broadway, on-cement production of Cats. Hostages; turn your faces to the daylight. Let your marine lead you. Open up, enter in.

Suddenly, their performance is halted by a flying ninja, who clocks Joe with a phantom kick to the face. The wind from the kick makes Joe spit out blood or Kool-Aid. Robin tries to tend to her husband, but the flying ninja points a gun at her. Even though Joe knew these hostages were thirsty, he did not offer them his mouthful of tropical punch? Joe Linwood is a piece of work.

Square One
The journey to Freedom Town ends as the hostages find themselves back in the dining room, cuffed and gagged. As for Joe, he sits in a chair, handcuffed with a long chain that is attached to a ceiling pipe. Joe gets all the perks.

To everyone's surprise, the diplomatic advisor unveils himself as the mastermind behind the whole evil plan. The advisor admits that he allowed Conner to bring the Western world and his sweet, sweet Western money to the island, only for Conner to turn the place into his "own private toilet." When Jango Fett proposed to take back the island by force, the advisor let him at it. For Conner's private toilet, this island still looks quite nice. He pisses and poops beautiful things.

Jango's Day In
The diplomatic advisor continues his marathon of informative exposition by admitting that he let the mercenaries die to scare off the military. During his entire speech, I was waiting for him to talk about how he tried and failed to grow decent facial hair, but he never did.

Accompanied by his brother Jefjare, Jango Fett announces that they have received the tribute. He assures the advisor that he will get a bonus in addition to his share of the money. That bonus turns out to be a ten-second bomb, which Jeffare hangs off the advisor's neck. Jango shoves the advisor out of the building and lets him explode. Cool Jango Fetts, Jefjare Fetts, ninjas, mercenary traitors, marines, and hostages don't look at explosions.

Heart to Heart
The henchmen lead the hostages ― who are now equipped with bombs ― out of the building, which gives him and his brother some private time with Joe. Jango asks Joe if he has ever sacrificed innocents to get the job done. Joe says, "Innocents always die in war, but the goal is to save people, not kill them to win." If I had three extra large shirts, I would put that excellent catchphrase on them. Three large people would have to stand beside each other at all times in order for the catchphrase to make any sense, but that shouldn't be a problem.

Jefjare leaves the room with Robin while Jango allows his most menacing ninja to take care of Joe. Evading the ninja's knife, Joe rises to his feet. He elbows and knees the man to the ground. Grabbing the knife, he stabs the menacing ninja through the stomach. Even though the dead ninja has the keys to the handcuffs, Joe is unable to reach him. Eventually, Joe decides to set himself free by pulling his hand through one of the cuffs, then crawling over to the guy to completely uncuff himself. If I were him, I would have hugged the ninja to death for easy access to his keys. I'm just saying.

Payback in the Boiler Room
Surrounded by hostages tied to pipes and heaters, Joe engages in a fist fight with Jefjare Fett. Outside, Jango uses his walkie-talkie and asks if the hostages are secure. As seen in previous scenes, Jefjare does not bother to respond because he does not know how to properly communicate with people. For a moment, Jefjare gains an advantage over Joe by aggravating his hand injury and holding him at gunpoint. As he is about to pull the trigger, Church kills Jefjare with a bullet from behind. He's not gonna be in The Marine 3.

Joe frees the hostages. Church hands him his gun and tells Joe to get Jango. Yet again, Church is too afraid to fight. He emphasizes his wussiness by giving a knife to Darren Conner, who has no military experience at all. I bet Church is afraid to see this movie. If you see him wandering around a Blockbuster with a DVD in hand, he might ask you to watch this film for him. Do not honour his request. He's a big boy. He should learn how to handle big boy films.

Kaboom Pre-Show
After failing to receive a walkie-talkie response from Jefjare, Jango instructs his men to kill the hostages. Sensing that his henchmen are cool-looking idiots, Jango triggers the sixty-second explosion countdown via remote to ensure that the job will be done. Meanwhile, Conner and Church guide the others out of the building. To give you an idea of how strong the boiler room explosion could be, each stick of dynamite in the room is labelled with the words, Dynamite: High Explosive.

Church finally shows some guts by snapping the neck of an incoming ninja and taking his weapon. Then again, Conner shows the same amount of guts by stabbing the other incoming ninja with a knife. Darren Conner writes books and expels beautiful island accessories from his body. He has no idea how to kill a guy, yet managed to do so in one try. Church rewards Conner by giving him a gun, cutting his killing work down in half. Church is frightened and lazy.

Kaboom
The hostages narrowly escape the resort as multiple bombs go off on the premises. A calm and collected Joe avoids additional explosions as if he is taking a quiet jog through the park. As another bomb goes off behind him, he dives into the water without a care in the world, following Jango and his woman into the jungle caves.

Jango triggers the countdown on another explosive device, then drags Robin further into the caves. Continuing his jog through the park that is the deadly island resort, Joe unknowingly runs into the explosion. The impact does not kill him, but loosens a bunch of rocks, which fall on top of him. Robin stares at the rubble in disbelief. Styrofoam rocks are the only force in this film that can take down Joe Linwood.

Kaboom Post-Game Show
Strike what I said earlier from the record of Styrofoam Rocks vs. Motion Picture Marines. Joe Linwood is alive. He rises from the rubble and equips his pistol in search of Jango and Robin.

Through the maze of waterfront shacks, Jango tries to ambush Joe. The Second Marine sees him and begins the climactic battle. Jango and Joe wrestle for possession of the gun. Once Jango takes the pistol away from him, he chases Joe through the shacks. Joe avoids him by busting his way through doors and windows, interrupting a children's game of checkers. Next, he passes a wooden roof, knocking down pillars until it collapses behind him. Jango gracefully walks over the roof and chases Joe through the market. Together, Jango and Joe have destroyed weather-shielding structures and competitive youth activities. They are both monsters. Is there no such thing as a hero? I believe there is not.

Jango stumbles over a set of crates, allowing Joe to knock the gun out of his hand. Taking their fight to the dock, Joe defends himself from the wrath of Jango's newfound bo staff. Jango proceeds to Darth Maul and Donatello it up until Joe is able to break the staff in half.

Robin's Nest
Jango and Joe fall off the second level of the dock and violently land on a boat’s floor. Joe hits the hardest, crashing butt-first through the floor. Underneath that floor, Joe lucks out and finds Robin, held captive in a cage. That's one strong, mystery-solving butt. Despite Robin's mouth not moving, she tells him to get her out of there.

Sensing Joe's vulnerable state, Jango runs at him. Before he can attack, Joe grabs a spear from underneath the dock and impales Jango through the chest. With one last push, Joe sends Jango crashing into a nearby shack. In the process, a barrel of gasoline falls over, inconveniently leaking flammable liquid everywhere.

Lovin' Interrupted
The second that Joe frees Robin from the cage, they start making out in celebration of Jango's death. Soon enough, their premature make-out session is halted as Jango revives himself somehow and puts Joe in a sleeper hold. Without moving his mouth, he manages to tell Joe that the tribute will never stop and more Western victims are to come. I think Jango should spend some time with Robin. They have a lot in common. Maybe they can start a book club together. Actually, I take that back. That’s how Joe got into this mess in the first place.

Joe does not appreciate the interruption, nor does he appreciate people who are not his wife, speaking without opening their mouths. Joe tosses Jango up and over himself, letting him fall onto a set of uncomfortable boat boxes. While Jango reaches for a flare gun, Joe suggests that he and his wife should leave the boat. Good suggestion because Jango is about to fire a flare gun on a boat that has been coated in gasoline.

Joe and Robin escape, dramatically jumping off the boat into the non-exploding waters. They swim back to the dock and embrace. Joe jokes with his wife, saying that he thought his job was dangerous. Robin responds by telling Joe that she loves him. The scene ends before Joe is given a chance to reply. This marriage between Joe and Robin Linwood will not last, what with all the explosions, hostage takings, and one-way declarations of affection.

The Verdict: ***************1/8 out of ***************************13/14
Overall, Joe Linwood is better than John Triton. John loved his wife and revived every Southeast Asian child he encountered. You make me sick, John Triton.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 97th

2010-08-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

WWE Championship Match
Sheamus (c) vs. Lord Voldemort

He Who Must Not Be Named is a mystery
An evil wizard with surprisingly decent teeth
Ralph Fiennes with botched rhinoplasty
Young Harry didn't know, what Ralph did to his parents long ago
Inhuman men can hurt human feelings

They saw the anagram in his name
He's so wicked, making kids play word games
He made his own version of Yahtzee, but the thrill is not the same
He is Lord Voldemort
He is Lord Voldemort

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

The Swerved has mastered hustle, loyalty, and respect, but will need to take a summer course on hinting that other sites prefer to make love to dudes.

AND

Nobody gets what I say. Must be some way to convey, but no one else remembers my name — just those parts that I played.

The Motion Pictured: The Marine 2 (Part 1)

2010-08-23T00:42:00.000-07:00

The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has got it all wrong. They should not go out of their way to nominate movies about bomb squads trying to diffuse deadly bombs in Iraq. They should not blindly applaud films that deal with paraplegic war veterans finding lanky-blue-alien love with sexy female aliens in a foreign world. If a South African government agent becomes an extraterrestrial bug who loves cat food, they should take a moment to think and rethink about their vote. If an old man or George Clooney take to the skies, they should feel free to leave their naked man trophies at home. Surely, they may recognize these films as quality entertainment, but they must refrain from doing so at the expense of one of the best films of our generation.

Years from now, who's going to remember Sandra Bullock raising a misguided, football-playing youth as if he were her own misguided, football-playing son? Who's going to press play on their remote and revisit moments based on the novel Push by Sapphire? Will anyone ever be in the mood to watch Brad Pitt mispronounce words in a flick with a misspelled title? Not I. As long as they keep their distance, I consider myself to be a man of the people. For the most part, I like what you like. Therefore, I can safely say that we do not care for any of these so-called cinematic masterpieces.

Although I am not a movie critic, I know a triumph of modern cinema when I see one. Without a doubt, The Marine 2 starring Ted DiBiase is that triumph. Many critics believe that this movie wasn't good enough for them because it went to straight to DVD and Blu-ray. Well, I believe that The Marine 2 was too good for them. They do not deserve to learn how the sequel ties up the loose ends of the original. What do critics know anyway? They may critique films for a living, but they're not the general public. They have no clue what interests us.

If movies like The Marine 2 are becoming the straight-to-DVD-and-Blu-ray standard, why should I go the theatre? My home can serve as a cineplex. For The Marine 2, I would even be willing to pay admission to see a film that I previously bought in a store in my own residence. Then again, you don't have to take my word for it. Join me in this two-part look at Ted DiBiase's 2009 acting debut and indirectly witness the greatness for yourself.

Rooftop Book Club
In the Southeast Asian streets of Southeast Asia, two children start a water gun fight. The young boy grabs a gun that looks like an actual working pistol. In response, the young girl raises up her colourful Super Soaker. Just as she is about to feel the comforting warmth of a supersonic bullet, weak spurts of water emerge from the boy's gun. Water versus water will always be a wash, but the winner of water versus lead has not yet been determined. Water versus lead is like the Floyd Mayweather, Jr. vs. Manny Pacquiao or Undertaker vs. Sting of children's street games.

On the concrete roof of a multiple storey building, Joe Linwood (Ted DiBiase) talks to his black marine friend about their favourite books. “Hell no,” says Black Marine Friend at the possibility of reading books that are not written by Stephen King. Joe was going to give him Big Apple Takedown for his birthday, but forget that now. He'll have to think of something else to get him, such as a Stephen King look-alike jumping out of a cake in a courtroom setting.

Alhad Me At Goodbye
Upon first sight of a black SUV trailing two pickup trucks, Joe and Black Marine Friend rush to another rooftop with sniper rifles in hand. At Southeast Asian street level, shady-looking men unload a wooden crate from one of the trucks, revealing a machine gun. A man in an oversized leather jacket is displeased. "Why did WWE Studios give me this ill-fitting jacket? Don't they have any money?" he did not say. Skirt-wearing bad man Sanan Alhad comes out of the black SUV to address the unhappy man. "At least you have a jacket. Wardrobe ran out of pants five minutes ago," he may have said.

With Alhad in his sights, Joe rubs his fingers together, implying that he is one of those wealthy rooftop snipers. One day, maybe Joe can buy him some pants. After pulling the trigger, a bullet goes through a random bad guy and Sanan.

A crazy gunfight ensues. Stray shots from a rocket launcher provide the first of many explosions. Joe and Black Marine Friend take down several bad guys, then hide behind cover. Through the rooftop flames, they notice that the young boy who was playing with water guns is lying unconscious. No, he can't die. We must know if lead can defeat water. Since the boy is bleeding, Joe tries to bring revive him with CPR — the surefire way to close a victim’s potentially fatal wounds. A few seconds later, Black Marine Friend tells Joe that they have to leave. He claims that the child is dead anyway. Joe and I believe him for he read it in a Stephen King novel.

The Cleansing
A distraught Joe washes his hands and face in an outdoor sink. To my knowledge, cleaning yourself cannot bring another human being back to life, but perhaps I shouldn't tell him that in this difficult time.

At the U.S. Marine Base, Joe sits down in front of his MacBook and talks to his wife Robin (Lara Cox). Once she finds out that Joe is coming home for a couple of weeks, Robin is ecstatic. "Do you remember me talking about Darren Conner? My super rich client? Owns like a bazillion different businesses — real estate, hotels, and casinos. He is opening a new resort and guess who's in charge of his super-deluxe, invite-only, opening bash?" Tell him already, lady. He doesn't have time to guess. He just let that Southeast Asian kid die.

Joe is reluctant to join her as he was looking forward to returning to Michigan. Being an understanding wife, Robin suggests that he skip the trip and come home, but Joe changes his mind. He says that she is his home. Is your home Michigan or your wife? One is a mighty large and spacious state, while the other is a pleasant looking, petite white woman. You are one confusing marine, Joe Linwood. John Triton was never this indecisive.

Robin tells Joe that she loves him back, despite Joe never saying that he loved her. Joe is indecisive and his wife is hearing things. They are perfect for each other.

Unique Scene Transition
Watch out, Robin. A small charter plane and a scenic island setting are about to crash into your bedroom. Oh wait. We are transitioning from your bedroom to your journey to the resort in an interesting fashion. Good show.

Robin asks Joe, "Isn't it beautiful?" Joe agrees, but does not seem convinced. If I were him, I would say, "You have eyes. Determine the beauty of the scenery for yourself. Besides, your definition of beauty may deviate from mine, depending upon the number of beautiful to not beautiful people, places, and things we have seen in our respective lifetimes." On second thought, I would probably say, "Yeah, sure is."

Looking out the window, they see the resort, which appears to be in the shape of the Transformers' Decepticons logo. Shockwave is not hospitable. Roll out, you two.

The Arrival
Following a wet and bumpy jeep ride, Mr. and Mrs. Linwood meet Cynthia (an employee of the resort) at the entrance. In her half-British accent, she informs them that their goal is to have the most energy-efficient resort in this part of the world. Apparently, this island rests in close proximity to the volcanic corridor. They have constructed their own geothermal plant allowing them to use heat for power. Twenty-four hour armed guards in the security towers provide top-of-the-line surveillance. Lastly, they are having their opening party here tomorrow night. Thank goodness. Imagine if they were having their opening party in Michigan.

Vacancies
Do not playfully throw Robin Linwood into the beautiful resort waters. She has to go to a meeting, yet has a moment to discuss Joe's distant demeanour. On his last mission, Joe tells her that he got a closer look than he usually gets. The sight of a boy fishing in the water has made him think about change.

Robin insists that she is proud of him, whether he is saving the world or sweeping the floor. For me, I see no difference in either activity as I often sweep floors to save the world. Turned on by his wife's low expectations of him, Joe goes in for some CPR love before Darren Conner (Robert Coleby) interrupts. Conner confuses Joe for a soldier. Robin specifies that he is a marine. I am proud of both Conner and Robin in this scene, whether they are trying to figure out who Joe Linwood is or sweeping the floor.

Conner takes her aside, but does a terrible job at doing so as Joe and Conner's lackey can hear their entire conversation. Conner tells her that reporters and Green Peace lawyers are all up in his business. He asks Robin to do her job and handle them, which she gladly agrees to do. Before Robin does her job, I think Conner should do his job and learn how to conduct private conversations.

Robin follows Conner and his lackey, but not before telling her husband that she has a surprise for him. If she brings him reporters and Greenpeace lawyers, I rescind my previous comment about being unconditionally proud of her.

Closed Surprise
Surrounded by caged birds and the restless spirit of the water gun boy, Joe and Robin happily walk through the island village. She puts her hand over his eyes and guides him to a hut with a closed sign hanging over the entrance. The fact that she did not see the closed sign before guiding him to the hut does not bode well for their marriage or future surprises.

Inside the hut, a scruffy, cigar-smoking man reads the paper. He assures the couple that the place is closed. Following the rules, Joe and Robin enter the hut anyway. When Robin pleads with the man to let them take a snorkelling tour, the scruffy man gives in to her demands. So, a snorkelling tour is your big surprise, Robin? If you end up with water in your lungs, Joe won't save you. As seen in a previous scene, he prefers alternative life-saving methods. Although CPR would be appropriate for this hypothetical scenario, Joe doesn't play that game. In the event that you drown, Joe will tie a tourniquet around your leg. Good luck.

The scruffy man walks up to Joe and finds out that he is a marine. Together, Joe and Church (Michael Rooker) laugh about being military guys. Ha, ha, ha. Military-related memories.

Snorkelling Time
On his janky boat, Church sends the couple to a remote part of the island. As the husband and wife undress, Church shoves Joe overboard and laughs. Oh, the ~~hilarity~~ military.

With Church out of the picture, Joe and Robin snorkel while holding hands. How adorable of them to show their love for one another at the expense of demonstrating proper swimming techniques. Venturing to the shore, Robin lays on top of him. The waves rush over them as they begin a remote make-out session. By my count, Robin has pinned Joe for at least a 15 count, but I see no referee in sight. Church was right. This place is remote.

Shortcut
One moment, Joe and Robin are wandering around the caves of the island, trying to find a route back to the resort. The next moment, they have returned to the resort. Somewhere in those caves, ancient islanders must have drawn Google Maps on the walls to show them where to go.

Pool Partay
It's tomorrow night already? I am not even formally dressed yet. For the past several hours, I have been snorkelling, making out with myself, and wandering around caves. My, my, my, Cynthia. Time in this island sure does fly fast. I blame it on that geothermal plant somehow.

At this party, you've got it all: jazzy lounge music, people reading Why Shouldn't You Have It All? by Darren Conner, fruit buffets, girls with wine glasses who are struggling to dance, paper lantern lights, and Darren Conner himself interrupting public displays of affection between the male and female lead. Conner explains to Robin that reporters have been pestering him and his lackeys again. Robin is about to get right on that, but Conner mouths off to her.

Joe stands up for his wife. Unlike Conner, Joe tells him that he does not pick on women half his size. If Joe or Conner want to raise their self-esteem, I recommend picking on females who are three-fourths to three-and-a-half-fourths their size. They are still smaller than you, but not as defenseless.

Robin steps in before Conner and Joe’s confrontation gets out of hand. She informs Conner that opening up to the media will paint him as more than an American outsider with something to hide. After Conner starts to side with her, she adds that he has a speech to give. Joe looks concerned, constipated, angry, sad, confused, or like a man who has recently acquired a lot of money in a storyline.

The Church of Church
On stage, Robin wishes a good evening to friends, colleagues, and investors, then introduces the partygoers to Darren Conner. Since Joe is not a friend, a colleague, an investor, the chairman of Conner Industries, nor the host of the party, he walks away and undresses. Conner welcomes everyone to the Tangalla Beach Resort — where you never have to ask yourself, "Why Shouldn't I Have It All?" I'm sorry, but I ask that question to myself every day. A trip to Decepticons Island will not put an end to my questioning ways. To show my displeasure for Conner's comment, I will undress, too.

Joe wanders over to the shore and stumbles upon a collection of fireworks. Suddenly, Church throws fireworks at him. In response, Joe calls him a "crazy-ass powder monkey." I, for one, am glad that Joe was only talking about crazy-ass power monkeys. If any sane power monkeys heard about his remark, they would be sending letters to this movie right now.

While Church prepares for the fireworks show, he has a heartfelt talk with Joe regarding his recent argument with Robin and Conner. If Church was Joe, Church would return to the party and tell Robin how sorry he was. In Church's opinion, the makeup sex would be worth it. On the other hand, Conner does not deserve an apology or makeup sex. He never frolicked in the water or made out with Joe on the shore. Tough luck.

The Pretty Colour Parade
As Joe is about to return to the party with two cocktails, a huge missile comes in from the shore. At the last second, Joe ducks, letting the missile destroy one of the security towers. In the next scene, Joe better get two more “I’m Sorry” cocktails for that tower. Additional missiles hit the other towers and the general area surrounding the party. Those missiles are destructive, yet considerate. They don't want to kill people. They just want to send a message.

Gun-toting ninjas come up to the shore on boats, bombarding the place with bullets. Joe drops the two cocktails in shock, meaning that he will have get six “I’m Sorry” cocktails for his wife, that security tower, and those two broken glasses.

Partygoers run for cover, except Robin who stands there for a second and stares at Joe from the second-floor pool area. Seconds later, she screams Joe's name, revealing that her reaction time to traumatic events is quite poor. Joe runs up the walkway and starts roughing up ninjas. In the midst of trying to save the resort and his woman, he turns around, letting a ninja hit him in the back of the head with a wine bottle. Why did he turn around if a ninja was waiting for him, wielding a wine bottle? I will answer you th...

Sorry about that. As I was typing, a ninja hit me in the back of the head with a wine bottle. I would tell you the r...

The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man
The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man (Temuera Morrison as Damo) makes his presence known as the leader of the gun-toting ninjas. He silences a random woman by shoving her into the pool. You know who else likes shoving people into bodies of water? Church does. If that is Church under the mask, I will laugh at first (for I used to be in the military), but then I will be very mad at him. Darren Conner confronts him and asks the masked man his name and purpose for invading the island. The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man must have not heard the question because he ends up greeting him. Somebody forgot to drill ear holes in that mask.

Joe recovers from the wine bottle shot and grabs a gun from one of the ninjas. The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man reacts by taking Conner hostage. This momentary distraction allows a ninja to come into the picture, knock the gun out of Joe's hand, and wrestle him from the second-floor pool area to the grass below.

Thankfully, Church shows up and takes Joe away from the commotion. Good on him for not being the villain wearing two types of chocolate on his face. From afar, Robin screams, "No" and "Joe," confirming that she knows how to rhyme in peril. You love rapping when you're curious, but what happens when a group of ninjas start threatening your life?

The Church of Latter Day Abandoners
A disoriented Joe Linwood wakes up on a cot. The lack of memory foam mattresses on this island disgusts me. With Church looking over him like a homeless angel, Joe realizes that he has been transferred to a makeshift military base.

He sprints to a television truck — which is surrounded by soldiers and reporters — to watch an important news update. The video shows the Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man and his ninjas bringing the hostages to their knees. The masked man sends the following message: "For the last century, we have watched helplessly as the disease of the Western world has spread across our islands. Now it is your turn to watch. We will kill all the hostages in 24 hours. If you wish to spare their lives, you must pay tribute." Church defines "tribute" by referring to ransom paid by infidels like himself. I was thinking that they had to form a cover band of gun-toting ninjas, led by a man with a half-white-chocolate, half-milk-chocolate mask. Either way, that's rough.

The hostage takers select a balding man out of the group to serve as an example, but the hostage is unwilling to volunteer. Joe Linwood cannot believe what is happening until the ninjas behead the guy. Joe immediately asks Church to help him save his wife and the other hostages, only for Church to walk away from him. Pushing people overboard and laughing about the good old military days is cool, but when it comes time to do something worthwhile, Church is out? This homeless angel is no good.

The Room of Those Who Are Slightly Inconvenienced
The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man and his ninjas move the hostages to the resort’s dining area. Robin pleads with her hostage takers to take it easy on them as they are willing to do whatever they want. Meanwhile, the hostages want Robin to shut her mouth hole.

The leader unmasks and throws Robin to the ground. He is Jango Fett from Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. How could you, Jango? I know Samuel L. Jackson decapitated you in that movie, but you should not have taken your aggression out on that random hostage's head. That random hostage and his head did nothing to you. Next, Jango’s ninjas unmask to reveal sweaty men of diverse ethnic backgrounds. They are no Jango Fett from Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. I'll tell you that much.

Once they leave the room, Robin answers Conner's question concerning their hostage takers’ identities. She calls them, "separatists, fighting the spread of Western influence on their country." Robin is a little too knowledgeable for my liking. It’s as if she is watching the movie while being kidnapped in the movie. Despite Robin knowing too much, the ninjas return and take Conner away from the group instead. Get Robin, you fools. I bet she knows Jango Fett's sexual history. I bet she is beginning to understand that she in a sham marriage with Ted DiBiase. She has meta-knowledge.

Fancy Presentation Tube
At the makeshift military base, a diplomatic advisor strolls in to meet the commander and his soldiers. His fancy cylindrical tube holds blueprints to the resort. Joe Linwood intervenes and wants in on the hostage-saving action. The advisor responds to his request by introducing him to a band of mercenaries, who will serve as reinforcements during the hostage negotiations. The mercenaries want no part of Joe, which is understandable. A man wearing a shirt with perfectly symmetrical sweat stains should not be trusted.

Back at the dining area, Conner assures Jango Fett and his henchmen that they will get their money soon enough. Jango is not pleased, but tells his ninjas that his mystery plan is falling into place. Who are these people? The Nexus? Those guys never had a plan. Step one was putting an N on their shirts. Step two was winging it. Step three was considering the possibility of adding a second letter on their shirts. What a crummy plan.

Ted Stealthiase
Joe Linwood creeps through the jungle to follow the mercenaries as they approach hostage headquarters. At first, they are spooked by his presence. In the shadows, Joe resembles a muscly, boring, jungle ghost with minimal, jungle-ghost charisma. When Joe requests to take the first sniper shot, the mercenary leader hands him the gun.

Joe nails a ninja lookout in the mask with a bullet. He looks back, awaiting the mercenary leader's approval. Another mercenary hands him a handgun before taking back the rifle. Mercenaries do not know how to reward people. You don't give students a B for getting an A. These mercenaries should never give out prizes for anything.

Showdown
Overhearing the message from a henchmen's walkie-talkie, Cynthia informs Robin that Joe Linwood and His Merry Mercenary Men have been spotted. This statement is followed by a sequence in which Joe and His Merry Mercenary Men gracefully move through the dark waters. You better not mess with Joe Linwood. He has a smaller gun than before.

Near the walkway leading up to the resort, Joe and his allies come across a group of mercenaries who were shot in the back of the head — wine bottle style. Eventually, they realize that they have been set up. Traitors and ninjas attack them from all directions, wounding the mercenary's leg in the process. Following a hail of gunfire and explosions, Joe and his mercenary friend escape imminent danger with the help of a jeep. Since Joe has mastered the jeep, I fully expect the lead mercenary guy to reward him with a smaller jeep.

TO BE CONTINUED

Playin' The Feud: Mess with Nexus

2010-08-16T00:54:00.000-07:00

We surveyed 100 people who are one, saving us a lot of time...

*****

NEXT WEEK

Stop taking 7-Eleven's straws, then giving them to people as if they are personal gifts from you, Rey Mysterio. You are not aiding their thirst-quenching endeavours.

AND

Hooray. I got it. Smashed penny. This is... good... for me to have. Oh, smashed penny. We are gonna have some crazy times, you and me.

The Last Other Another One Night Stand

2010-08-16T00:48:00.000-07:00

Tommy Dreamer is not a pretty boy. Brother Devon is not a pampered-pop celebrity, quelling rumours that he used to perform Color Me Badd covers under the name, "Dee Dee Rainbows." Does Raven look like a slave to the latest trends and fashions to you? Given that the worn-out, drugged-up hobo look is currently in style, I would answer with a maybe. You will never see Brother Ray on the cover of GQ, partly because he was featured in Esquire, Vogue and O Magazine last month. Brother Ray does not want to be a magazine cover hog.

Rob Van Dam did make history, being the first wrestler to confuse our parents and friends with his resemblance to action star Jean Claude Van Damme. "Is that the guy from Timecop?" "No, Mom. Jean Claude Van Damme doesn't wrestle." "Well, he definitely looks like him. I bet he is Jean Claude Van Damme. Why would he look like him if he isn't him?" "Okay, sure." Also, Rhino was part of a wildlife-related name revolution, putting him in elite company with The Pitbulls, "Lionheart" Chris Jericho and Steve The Galapagos Tortoise — the last of whom you rarely saw on television because his kind is on the brink of extinction. These men took their craft, their passion beyond the edge of extreme.

That Arena in Philadelphia Where That Company in Philadelphia Used To Run Shows in Philadelphia is where they became stars and men. Together, they put on entertaining shows while allowing the arena to take their virginity. In that arena, they learned respect and honour. They learned how to make the world respect them, how to make their careers and names. Based on these testimonials, this arena was better than the Sylvan Learning Center. Take that, extracurricular education.

This week, The Swerved pays tribute. The Swerved fights alongside its brother and sister sites once again. This week, The Swerved comes home for it is forever hardcore and likes to have numerous one night stands with promiscuous randoms. Apparently, The Swerved is a ho. We together are forever hoes. This is what The Swerved does and the reason why it is what it is. This is a recap of "The Last Other Another One Night Stand."

10... 9...
And now, The Swerved presents "The Last Other Another One Night Stand." The Swerved is coming to you live from the home of That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida.

The broadcast team of "The Professor" Mike Tenay and "FTW 13" Tazz are announcing to you live in front of a large banner for “The Last Other Another One Night Stand". They are not in a basement, but in a dimly lit room with five lockers and a bench — the TNA backstage area standard.

That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia Addresses the Audience
Hardcore fans in the Wrestling with Fancy and Pointy Garbage Zone are glad to see an appearance by the heart and soul of That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. Hardcore alumnus William “The Refrigerator” Chillington (Chilly Willy) is met with loud "Penguin Bonnet" chants. Earlier today, he looked into the eyes of the extreme athletes who are about to perform for the fans. This experience has given him the courage to promise that this night will be extreme, hardcore, and under the influence of hallucinogens.

Chillington addresses the haters who falsely labelled That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia as a bush league, blood and guts promotion. Backed by the crowd, Chillington insists that they revolutionized the wrestling business. For instance, they were the first promotion to promote the concept of using furniture as weapons. Back then, furniture was often used as a housewarming gift or part of a woman's dowry in a marriage. Tonight, Chillington invites those who continue to use furniture as gifts or dowry to kiss his ass. The "There Are Better Ways To Show Your Affection, Appreciation, and Dedication to Another Human Being" chants commence.

MATCH 1:
Cole Coal (Simon Diamond) and The Boston Key Party (Johnny Swinger) w/ Dawn Marie (Dawn Marie) vs. Dorry Danning (Danny Doring) & No Electricity Streetdeath (Amish Roadkill) w/ Congenial Amy (Lita)
Observations: Years of deep thought and reflection has taken a toll on Cole Coal's chin, creating what appears to be the makings of a second and third chin. As for The Boston Key Party, business for his Old West prostitution ring is booming. Finally, I have come to the conclusion that Dorry Danning and No Electricity Streetdeath is an odd pairing. You have an Amish chicken lover tagging up with a traditional chicken lover.
Story of the Match: Cole Coal has a problem. That problem is front butt. Danning and Streetdeath spend the majority of the match mistaking his front for his back, leading to many hilarious misunderstandings. At ringside, Dawn spends her time running away from Amy's airborne toenail clippings.
Finish: Coal and Party pin Danning with the Problem Solver, which solves all problems except the most important one affecting our young children today — American obesity. They should have hit him with the Temporary Solution, replacing Chicken McNuggets with apple slices in all McDonald's Happy Meals.
Rating: ***

Where Are They Now?
In a fascinating segment, various extreme alumni reveal what has become of them. Former That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia Champion Bobby Lashley is married to Kristal Marshall and continues to venture into the mixed world of mixed martial arts. Hardcore Holly is angry about something. In the last video, Mike Knox drives up in his retro car with Mike Knox’s Beard in the passenger seat. He gives a shout out to his extreme brothers and thanks the fans for their dedication to the brand. Without them, he says that there wouldn't be a Mike Knox, a Kevin Thorn, a Big Daddy V, or a Kelly Kelly.

The Swerved Remembers...
In a series of sit-down interviews, well-known fans of the brand recall their fondest memories. This guy I met at Sears while shopping for electronics remembers when Tommy Dreamer lost a match. The Swerved's fourteen-year-old cousin Swervette did not get to watch That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia until this reunion show. She fondly remembers that time she was asked to recall a fond memory of the company in a sit-down interview at "The Last Other Another One Night Stand." Swervette liked that the sit-down interview was different. The energy in that interview was unlike any other that was ever conducted.

A Shiny Segment
In a bathroom that somehow features five lockers and a bench, a group of familiar faces look disgruntled in their black track pants and sleeveless shirts. To give you a hint, they do not have hair. They were your favourite team when That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia ran shows on TNN. They are Alec Bald One (Tony DeVito), Daniel Bald One (Angel), and Stephen Bald One (a large person replacing Vic Grimes) — "The Bald Ones" (Da Baldies).

Alec, Daniel, and Stephen state that times have changed, but staple guns are still in fashion. Although the emergence of staple removers in 2000 threatened their simple way of life, they were able to get through it by figuring out how to staple one staple remover to another. Tonight, The Bald Ones vow to drive staples into their opponents' heads until they run out of them. Due to the state of the economy, The Swerved has granted them one staple in total. They must use it wisely. If they are tempted by the sight of two sheets of paper floating away from each other in the summer breeze, that is their fault.

MATCH 2:
Justifiably Incredible Pyjamas (Justin Credible) vs. Lance Weather Disturbance (Lance Storm)
Observations: That's not just the footy pjyamas. That's not just the knitted pyjamas. Those are justifiably incredible pyjamas with easy access flaps on both ends. A few days prior to the event, the management team had to convince Lance to participate in the event. Once they granted him unlimited cabbage patch dances in the match, he was game.
Story of the Match: The familiarity between these former tag partners leads to reversals galore, including Pyjamas and Weather Disturbance switching clothes in the middle of the contest. Pyjamas frequent attempts to use the Singapore cane are halted by Storm, who uses Pyjamas' former manager Jason Day (Jason Knight) as his own cane.
Finish: Setting him up for a Super Kick, Pyjamas ducks, grabs a Never Ending Pasta Bowl from the Olive Garden, and nails Storm for the pinfall. That was too much pasta for one man, let alone one weather disturbance.
Rating: ***1/2

The Swerved Remembers Something It Forgot...
The sit-down interviews continue with members of the TNA roster reflecting on That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. Lacey Von Erich claims that the promotion put hardcore wrestling on the map, mostly due to fans writing "Hardcore Wrestling" on their official city, state, and country maps. AJ Styles remembers the company enough to not get a abnormally large tattoo of it on a visible part of his body. Mr. Anderson added his thoughts about the promotion, but he looks kind of weird in this interview. Nobody was listening.

Mr. Sunday, Monday, Thursday, and Friday Evening and the Old Whistleblower
Claude Von Rob (Rob Van Dam) talks to Billzo (Bill Alfonso) about his cancelled match against Gerald Nickelback (Jerry Lynn). Von Rob was so excited to face Gerald that he did not bother to wear pants for this segment. Billzo encourages Von Rob to put on some pants because he will be facing a homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, insecticidal, mail-order bridal, death-defying maniac. Von Rob talks about his history with (S. Abu) Sabu until Billzo informs him that he was referring to Riggly Scott (Scotty Anton/Riggs).

MATCH 3:
Alec Bald One (Tony DeVito), Daniel Bald One (Angel), and Stephen Bald One (a large person replacing Vic Grimes) as "The Bald Ones" (Da Baldies) vs. Hollywood Simone Deene (Nova), Big Richard Cool Spot (Stevie Richards), and The Phthalocyanine Gentleman (The Blue Meanie) as “The International Organization of Cyan” (The BWO)
Observations: Big Richard Cooler is in good shape. Hollywood Simone Deene is in better shape. He should thank Bobby Lashley for force-feeding him that plate of cheeseburgers. The Phthalocyanine Gentleman is a nice person. In the case of The Bald Ones, I think one of them is wearing a transparent weave.
Story of the Match: Two minutes into the match, The Bald Ones face their greatest adversary in the form of a faulty staple gun. After jamming their only staple in the gun, Da Bald Ones try to staple-gun whip the iOc as an alternative. In retaliation, the International Organization of Cyan draw over their beards, sunglasses, and eyebrows with serious versions of them. Now, their beards aren't trimmed. They aren't balancing their sunglasses on their nose as seen in 80s films about teenagers driving before they are legally allowed to take the wheel. Finally, they are sporting down-turned eyebrows. The iOc mean business.
Finish: The iOc give Alec Bald One the Blue Light Special on the staple gun, souring the Bald Ones on such office weaponry forever.
Rating: **1/2

No Time for Rest
The Swerved, Mike Tenay, and Tazz would like to acknowledge that this remembrance of extreme individuals who are longer with us is over.

MATCH 4:
Three Way Dance
Tiejitsu (Tajiri) w/ Shipwrecking Mikael (Mikey Whipwreck) vs. Loco Jheri Curl (Super Crazy) vs. Psychology Major (Psicosis)
Observations: Tiejistu has poor posture. Being a buzzsaw of Japanese descent for several years is not good for your back. Jheri Curl has not changed much since his stint mowing the cement floors of live WWE events, except he is a tad bigger. He must be thankful for his full body wrestling gear because it doubles as a convenient Mexican girdle. Since we last saw Psychology Major, Jheri Curl's Mexicoolian peer has majored in Horticulture. How the tables have turned, Psychology Major. How the tables have turned.
Story of the Match: For half of the Three Way Dance, Tietsu, Loco Jheri Curl, and Psychology Major engage in a standoff without even executing a series of moves. Clenching their fists in front of them, they wait for a round of enthusiastic applause from the Wrestling with Pointy and Fancy Garbage Zone. Following a smattering of applause, they moonsault the fudge out of each other.
Finish: The three wrestlers fall off the top turnbuckle in a Tower of Inside Cradles spot. Hundreds of kick outs later, Psicosis legs fall off, leading to his demise at the hands and feet of Tiejitsu. With two men remaining, Tiejitsu mists Jheri Curl in the middle of another inside cradle. Unfortunately, he gets hit with contact mist for being too close to his opponent. This mistake allows Jheri Curl to cradle Tiejitsu for the win.
Rating: ****

The Swerved Mailed A Memory To Itself, But Forgot What It Was...
Hugh Jackman — star of stage and screen — is dressed up as a casual Brutus Magnus. He reminisces about That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia's adamantium skeleton. He is especially surprised at the fact that while the promotion had healing powers, it could not revive itself after filing for bankruptcy. In turn, World Wrestling Entertainment has a staff and throws playing cards at people. That is why WWE is alive and well in 2010.

Next, Ric Flair compliments the extreme wrestlers for their hard work and dedication to professional wrestling, then chastises them for glorifying blood and ultra violence. Ric ends the interview by bleeding out from his hair. The blood in Flair's hair starts to bleed as well.

MATCH 5:
The Freezing Temperature Scorpion (2 Cold Scorpion) and the Remnants of Terry Funk (Terry Funk) vs. Brother Ray and Brother Devon as Team 3-D (Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley as the Dudley Boyz) w/ Joel Gertner's Coat (Joel Gertner)
Observations: Modern crowds are still amused by Joel Gertner's dirty limericks, but he is starting to run out of ideas. His limerick at "The Last Other Another One Night Stand" was rather disappointing: "It is I. The male reproductive organ in her female reproductive organ, the man who wakes up early on Sunday to visit her local flea market for a bargain, and the one who helps her shop for laundry detergent at Target. The Lyrical Miracle, the Sexual Intellectual, and the Quintessential Stud Muffin. Joel 'Has anybody here seen Breaking Bad on AMC? It's a good show, man. You should watch it. Let me lend you the DVD.' Gertner."
Story of the Match: Brother Ray and Brother Devon must cope with the Remnants of Terry Funk, who is wearing two ladders on his shoulders. He is spinning around pretty fast for someone over 60 years of age. He resembles a demented helicopter about to take flight.
Finish: The crowd at the Wrestling with Pointy and Fancy Garbage Zone engage in a fun chanting duel. Half of the crowd want tables. The other half want fire. Obviously, Brother Ray and Brother Devon have to make a decision because they do not see any way that they can have both. Moments later, they put their opponents through fire which they manipulated into the shape of two tables. At least, they want you to think that the fire looks like two tables. I don't see it. They may have made two fiery ottomans, but those are not tables, sir and other sir. Once Scorpion and Terry Funk are involuntary cremated, the two teams embrace.
Rating: **1/2

Enter The Booked Suite
In the darkness, Sleepy Head America Pants (Sandman) talks about his experiences with Daydreaming Timothy (Tommy Dreamer) and Grunge Bird (Raven). Before he owned a successful chain of 3-to-4 star hotels, he remembers giving Timothy ten shots with his Singapore cane. Even though he remembers when Grunge Bird brainwashed his son Tyler into joining the Flock as well, he did not enjoy it as much as those cane shots. America Pants concludes the promo by saying that he looks forward to fighting Timothy and Grunge Bird one last time, but can't wait to get back to WWE for the eventual ECW on Sci-Fi/SyFy reunion. He has not forgotten about Big Dick Johnson.

MATCH 6:
Three Way Dance
Daydreaming Timothy (Tommy Dreamer) vs. Grunge Bird (Raven) vs. Sleepy Head America Pants (Sandman)
Observations: Timothy has brought his wife Mother Trisa (Beulah McGillicutty — relative of Michael McGillicutty), his twin daughters Brianna and Kimberly, his extended family, a dignified woman with opera glasses, and two workers with a pane of glass to ringside. America Pants has brought himself to the match, which is all that matters. Grunge Bird forgot to bring a mirror. He never said he was going to bring a mirror, but he shouldn't look at himself right now for that might depress him.
Story of the Match: The three put on the most violent match of the night, highlighted by Grunge Bird and America Pants presenting a bloody Timothy to his ringside guests. Grunge Bird moves Timothy's jaw up and down like a puppet, while America Pants moves his arms and legs with barbed wire strings. Trisa and Timothy's extended family think Grunge Bird should be ashamed of himself. Timothy's twin daughters don't care for references to The Sound of Music. The woman with opera glasses has fainted in a melodramatic manner, tumbling up and over the guardrail. The two workers with a pane of glass have left. The pane of glass does nothing for it is a glass pane.
Finish: In a drunken state, Sleepy Head America Pants handcuffs Daydreaming Timothy's hands behind his back. Unbeknownst to him, America Pants handcuffed his opponent while resting back first on the mat, inadvertently pinning himself under the weight of Timothy. Following a barrage of garbage can lid, steel chair, and road sign shots, Grunge Bird handcuffs Timothy's legs to his handcuffed hands. Just as Grunge Bird is about to win the match with the Evenflow DDT, Arthritis, Measles, and Chickenpox show up. At first, Grunge Bird is happy to see the newest members of the Flock, until he is stricken with arthritis, measles, and chickenpox. As he is taken to the hospital, Tommy Dreamer loses by default.
Rating: ****1/2

Shout Out to Skullet and Extreme Harry Potter
Several alumni wish Joey Styles and Paul Heyman could be with them, celebrating all the fun they had at That Arena in Philadelphia Where That Company in Philadelphia Used To Run Shows in Philadelphia. The wrestlers have been calling them on their brick phones, paging them on their pagers, and faxing documents over to them on their fax machines. These wrestlers do not have much experience with modern technology, but they don't need experience. Brick phones, pagers, and fax machines revolutionized the communication business. You people with your computers, your skinny mobile phones, and your skinny mobile phones that double as computers don't get it and will never get it.

MATCH 7: Main Event
Claude Von Rob (Rob Van Dam) w/ Billzo (Bill Alfonso) vs. Riggly Scott (Scotty Anton/Riggs)
Observations: Gerald Nickelback (Jerry Lynn) is out with a serious back injury. He could have wrestled in this match, but believed that last Saturday night was alright for fighting. Judging by his back injury, I will respectfully disagree with him. In honour of his old self, Riggly Scott is wearing two eye patches. He cannot see a thing.
Story of the Match: Von Rob utilizes an aerial assault to take his opponent off his feet. At the same time, Riggly Scott wears Von Rob down in anticipation for "The Clapper" (his version of the Sharpshooter, which is known in wrestling circles to transmit chlamydia if both wrestlers are positioned in the right place). Billzo's whistling has been put to good use here, doubling as a grating annoyance while drawing attention to the severity of venereal disease.
Finish: In the middle of the ring, Riggly Scott is ready to clap on "The Clapper." Taking way too much time to position his opponent and himself for the submission move, Von Rob escapes, hits Scott with the Von Daminator, the Von Terminator, and the Von Assinator (rolling butt suplex). He ends with the Five Star Frog Splash for the pinfall victory.
Rating: *****

Thank You
That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia alumni make their way down to the ring to congratulate both men on a fantastic match. Daydreaming Timothy cleans himself up to thank the crowd and viewers at home. He asks the individual who made it all possible to join them for this celebration. A haunting silence takes over the arena as they anticipate the mystery man or woman's arrival.

On cue, Dixie Carter comes out wearing a leather skirt and extreme beret. She thanks the alumni for putting on a great show. As Brother Ray and Brother Devon are about to lift Dixie up on their shoulders, she takes out two Singapore canes and strikes them in the skull. Daydreaming Timothy tries to hold Dixie back. In response, she spits beer in his face and low blows him with the canes.

The rest of the one-night roster jump her, but Dixie manages to roll out of the ring. She lifts the ring skirt and unveils a shopping cart full of guitars (for the heavyweight wrestlers), banjos (for the middleweight wrestlers), and ukuleles (for the cruiserweights. Before each hit, she pretends to play the instruments in a style reminiscent of Hulk Hogan playing the WCW Championship.

With bodies lying everywhere, Dixie takes out a box of cigars and smokes five at once. Stephanie McMahon is on notice. The show ends.

Playin' The Feud: Trust Fund Money, Trust Fund Problems

2010-08-09T00:50:00.000-07:00

We surveyed 100 kids who had to buy a personality...

*****

NEXT WEEK

If you want relive the good times of ECW, watch the widescreen version of TNA Hardcore Justice: The Last Stand in fullscreen mode. That way, everyone will look younger and skinnier.

AND

What makes you think I'm enjoying being led to the flood? We got another thing coming undone and it's taking us over.

The Answered: The Answering Machine

2010-08-09T00:45:00.000-07:00

Over the years, readers have grown to consider me an expert on all things professional wrestling. If you have a wrestling-related question in mind, I may have already answered it several times before. What does it take to run a successful wrestling promotion? Who will be the next mainstream megastar and why? Due to my condition down there, is it possible for my husband and I to have children? Even if you don’t agree with my point of view, you must admit that I am the most informed professional wrestling analyst/part-time gynaecologist that no money can buy. You can't name a professional wrestling analyst/part-time gynaecologist who is better than me because that person does not exist. I know more about WWE, TNA, and their lady holes than they could ever know.

Being this knowledgeable has its disadvantages, though. While I am out in public, ready and willing to answer wrestling-related queries behind back alleys, fans are looking for a more down-to-earth and relatable answer man. Why question the all-knowing one when you can get a quicker reply from a normal, like-minded peer? I respect those who prefer to get their answers as if they are speeding past a drive-thru window of knowledge, but I do not recommend others to take this convenient route. In the end, fast questions will produce processed, greasy, and bland answers with a ton of trans fat.

Thanks to online services like Yahoo! Answers, random strangers are being treated as authorities on subjects like professional wrestling. I'm sure PantlessNinja08674 and Buttface_Da_Merciless are smart people with good intentions, but why should you trust them more than me? I do not hide behind a username, nor do I protect my true identity with a pseudonym. Besides, that ninja betrayed his friends by carrying out his ninja duties, bottomless and cold. Every day, PantlessNinja08674 is disobeying the Ninja Code of Honour. Unlike other buttfaces, Buttface_Da_Merciless does not show compassion toward his butt-faced brethren. These individuals are anything but trustworthy authorities on any subject.

As a gift to the wrestling community, I have taken time out of my busy schedule to respond to questions on Yahoo! Answers. I have not committed any illegal crimes to justify this community service, but I might have to if people like PantlessNinja08674 and Buttface_Da_Merciless keep leading wrestling fans astray. You guys think you know. Let me tell you that you have no idea. I am "The Answering Machine." Leave a question at the beep, son.

How Many Roads Must A Melina Walk Down Before They Call Her A Melina?

To say the least, Be Miz is shocked that Melina Perez has returned to Monday Night RAW. When Melina Tripplehorn returned to RAW, he didn't even care. According to the ratio of exclamation to question marks in his question, he is eight times more excited than confused for Melina's return. Ever since her injury, Be Miz must have been hoarding these exclamation marks in his home, as seen in that new TLC show, Exclamation Mark Hoarders. He did not know how it happened, but it could have something to do with the recent passing of his two periods.

During a late 2009 house show, Melina tore her ACL in a six-woman tag match. Despite doctors proving that her injury was legitimate, World Wrestling Entertainment did not believe that the tear was serious. After all those times she did the splits under the bottom rope without injury, WWE wondered how could she injure herself, taking part in such a meaningless stunt like wrestling in a six-woman tag match. Every week, they invited her to make her return, but only if she could walk from Manchester, New Hampshire — where she suffered the injury — to the site of the next show. Almost eight months later, Melina was able to walk to San Antonio for the August 2nd edition of RAW. Although they are glad to have her back, World Wrestling Entertainment still believes that she faked the whole thing.

Brett "The Indecision Man" Favre

Good question, deerhunter20068. For a while, I have been wondering when Brett Favre would agree to go to TNA. Out of all the wrestling-related questions I would love to answer, that one is near the top of my list. Brett has been on the fence for the entire wrestling off-season, but I think I have an idea about his next move after consulting with my sources.

World Wrestling Entertainment's guy is Aaron Rodgers, which has forced Brett out of the company. The addition of Mark Sanchez to Ring of Honor takes away another option for him, too. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling has a strong offense, what with the fact that people are often offended by their brand of professional wrestling. Brett would be a perfect fit for the aging core, but is the price right?

He is commanding big money. I'm talking about TNA Knockout money. I'm talking about three cents and a wooden bowl of rice per appearance. Brett Favre is used to two bowls of rice, but he will settle for one if he can come in minutes before a Pay-Per-View, main event it, and try to win the championship. For weeks, he has been wrestling with high school kids in Mississippi, throwing around the body. He's good to go. Just say when.

The Beef

I wouldn't be surprised if Scott Hall had a real-life feud going with Goldust. In particular, I remember their 1996 storyline being rather risqué. Goldust used mind games to gain an advantage over “The Bad Guy,” showing his man-love for Razor with heart-shaped tattoos and inappropriate touching. Even though this storyline was darker and dirtier than most in the WWF’s cartoon era, I think Goldust took it a little bit too far for Hall's liking. As wrestlers, their job is to entertain the fans and make money. Depending upon the person, inappropriate touching is not its own reward.

With that said, I doubt Scott Hall would want to bring Dustin Rhodes' brother into their rivalry. Cody Rhodes has nothing to do with the time when Scott Hall and Goldust shared a steak dinner. That beef is between those two gentlemen. I'm sure it was delicious, yet expensive. Goldust must have handed over the cheque to him. That is why Hall is so mad.

Dream Card

WrestleMania XXIV has come and gone, except in the heart of Jason. In his world, RAW, SmackDown, and TNA have come together to put on the best WrestleMania XXIV imaginable. From top to bottom, I am impressed by the star power on this card. In addition to modern-day stars like Chyna, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, and Al Snow, we've got up-and-coming talents in the form of Triple H, The Undertaker, and Kane. With this many superstars in every match, who will come out victorious? I think I can tell you.

1st Match: Big Show will defeat Shamus — a bunch of ShamWows piled on top of each other to form a ShamWow statue of Sheamus — by forcing it to soak up way too much water.

2nd Match: Former Cuban President Fidel Castro will help Tazz win the Hell in a Cell Match. Out of the four participants, Castro will declare Tazz the automatic winner due to his resemblance to a stocky Cuban cigar. Put a pair of orange sunglasses on a stocky Cuban cigar. You'll understand.

3rd Match: Randy Orton will win the WWE Championship over The Undertaker, Sting, and Mick Foley by angry pinfall. All three men will wander and crawl around the ring, out of position for punts and RKOs aplenty, leading Randy to rage his way to the title.

4th Match: Hulk Hogan will win Money in the Bank because this is his specialty match. In the past, he has gone through hip replacement surgeries, but only to make room for robotic hips with built-in springs. He does not need a ladder. He will hop once and grab the title off the hook. Meanwhile, Rob Van and D'Lo Brown will stick to their ground game and come close.

5th Match: D-Generation X. The Four Horsemen. The Guys Who Always Pound Ass. Three legendary teams in one cage is too much for me. I put my money on Bradshaw and Farooq. They know how to pound ass with efficiency. The other two teams are novices.

Main Event: Shane McMahon will win. How are you supposed to defeat a guy who can fall from anywhere without getting hurt? The more you drop him on his head, the more he will dance. Shane is unstoppable.

Too Many Referees on the Referee Floor

I think tman02 has a right to feel insecure. Some wrestling fans are uncomfortable watching unlicensed referees call official matchups. "You're not licensed, but you're counting the pinfall. Is this call official, or must we take this decision up to the North American Wrestling Commission?"

Personally, I believe that you can never have too many special referees. When one of your regular referees goes down with the flu after feeling the forceful wind of a grazing punch, who is going to save him? You will need the assistance of a second referee. Then, what happens when the second referee gets knocked out by a spinning foot? You bring out a third referee. If that third referee suffers an accidental blow to any part of his body or hair, he's a goner, too. Who will save him now? A fourth referee? Is TNA made of money or something? Anybody who has one hand, owns a shirt with stripes, and has the ability to count to three is good enough for them.

Why can't they be good enough for you?

The Mixed Martial Grappler

For an evil version of Barney made up of several pink women, this question does not seem that evil. Perhaps Evil Barney has mellowed out over the years. Has he found love with Baby Bop? If that is the case, you are one evil dinosaur, purple sir. I would like to have a word with you. Come to my house with fruity alcohol and prophylactics. When you enter, make yourself at home in the kitchen. I just need to change my clothes, do the laundry, or change my laundry. Don't mind the police outside the windows. They're tending to the garden.

To answer your question, I would say that Rey Mysterio has a great chance to succeed in MMA. While he is small in stature, he will get to fight in his own weight class. Plus, fans of the UFC are no different than those of WWE in that they love their underdogs.

Then again, I can't see Rey Mysterio using submission holds or anything. He will have to use his wrestling skills to get victories. If the referee or one of the judges would be kind enough to open the cage door for him during a round, Rey can swing around and hit his opponent with the 619 for the knockout. Before he makes contact, his opponent will have to climb up the cage and drape his body over the cage wall, but I'm sure that won't be a big problem.

How To Invent The Wrestler

Don't let the name of Stu Pidazz fool you. His posterior may be stupid, but judging by his question, the rest of him is somewhat intelligent. Using my own two hands and brain, he has allowed me to build an ideal professional wrestler. In real life, I am not in favour of playing Wrestling God for he is one of the weaker deities. Monster Truck God and Roller Derby God laugh in the face of Wrestling God. For this question, I am willing to make an exception.

Using my creative powers, I present to you my professional wrestler. His name is H. Colton Jeffries. When he is not having yacht parties on the speedboat that is sitting in his parents' front yard, he is wrestling in boat shoes and five colourful polo shirts. His finisher is an obscure Japanese move that he calls, "Working On My Screenplay At Starbucks." His entrance music is "The Penicillin Donkey Comes to Town (Space People Like Their Earth Medicine)" by a band that sounds similar to The Arcade Fire. He carries around a guitar that he does not know how to play. This person is based on a friend of mine. On second thought, this person is based on a friend of a friend of mine. Yes.

Real Talk

Wrestling (WWE to be exact) is fake? Therefore, The Doors are certain that TNA Wrestling is the only thing that is real? That's it. I'm gone. Jim Morrison would never lie to me.

Whoever wants to join me, I'm about to watch this gritty documentary about the Matrix. This is your last chance, unless we are currently in the Matrix. We're in the Matrix, aren't we? We're in the Matrix part of the Matrix. We are in the fake part of the fake whole that is the Matrix within the Matrix. I should've known. They're still wrestling in a professional manner in here and I don't like it one bit.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 96th

2010-08-02T00:50:00.000-07:00

The Usos and Tamina vs. The DeVilles and Angelica

Take that corner, we wanna go to the corner
Take that corner, let's go to the corner
Take us to that top corner
Before one of us randomly loses to Orton

Take that corner, we wanna go to the corner
Take that corner, let's go to the corner
Take us to that top corner
Have you ever wondered what a skinny Rikishi looks like?

Standing here in our sweater vests
Even though sweaters without sleeves seem pointless
Just the thought of having to give up two sleeves
But money and fashion don't go on trees

Where will we be in a company with about four teams?
I don't know since we only arrived a few months ago
So take our manly valet's hand to better understand
How we'll probably break up before we're given half a chance

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

I'm switching from pants to shorts. Come on, promotion. Let's see that promotion. Let's see The Stephen Rivera with The Swerved.

AND

You seem real easy and willing to put out, so roll in the cream cheese, roll in the cream cheese.

Kid Play: Part 2

2010-08-02T00:45:00.000-07:00

Attention mothers, fathers, and family members forced to take care of children in a Party of Five situation. Don’t bother shelling out upwards of 60 to 70 dollars on violent video games about space marines supporting controversial alien immigration laws with bullets. Why? World Wrestling Entertainment has got you covered in the gaming department with a huge selection of online titles at WWE Kids' official website. When I'm talking about the WWE Kids' website, I'm referring to WWEKids.com. If you go to WWEKids.gov.au, you'll only find young wrestling fans talking about the possibility of John Cena running for governor in Queensland, Australia. I don't recommend that site. Those children aren't experts on the touchy subject of Australian politics.

This fun collection of games will bring happiness and meaning into your wrestling fans' lives. As a working legal guardian, you don't have time to make them happy yourself. You've got better things to do, such as get tipsy on wine with your snooty married friends or compete in ladder matches to attain custody of your other children. While your away, let little Sally and little Mustafa play wrestling-related games on the Internet. Food, water, and shelter are excellent gifts, but guiding a flying Matt Hardy through an assault of fire-breathing pterodactyls keeps the child within the child alive.

As I continue to channel my younger self, I am beginning to appreciate the simple pleasures of childhood again. Gone is the desire to needlessly nitpick every single flaw of professional wrestling. Goodbye to passive-aggression criticism toward hard-working people. Hello to playing a bunch of games that feature the faces of WWE Superstars and not much else. When you're playing a game at WWE Kids, you don't need to see the rest of body. Kids know what they look like. They're body-shaped bodies, dude. Move on with it because I think I have one.

This second look at the WWE Kids website will showcase some of my positive and negative experiences with these games. Two years ago, I was a part of a professional video game league called MLG. I specialized in fourth-person shooters until the commissioner informed me that those games did not exist. Will my time in MLG help me become a WWE Kids gaming pro? I hope so. I want more endorsements. This hope is brought to you by Vagisil.

Most Favourite

Triple H's Whack-an-Orton
Pictured: Triple H spitting water in ecstasy as a tiny Randy Orton with a large head appears next to his crotch. Not pictured: What happens after you win "The Game."

Objective: Whack as many Ortons as you can without whacking any Hunters, who the game says is the "good one." Well excuse me, mini-game. I like Triple H's leather jacket with jean sleeves and all — which he only uses to return from injury or invade someone's home — but Orton is just as good. He wears a flesh jacket with sleeves that look like a hodgepodge of tattoos. Whackers gonna whack.
Likes: Attacking people with oversized heads is fun for the whole family and helps control the world’s big-headed population. You might as well kill them off while you can because they won’t live a long life with heads that big. Once they get into a pool or fall from a high place, forget about it. They will be goners — badminton birdie style.
Dislikes: WWE Kids forgot to put an exclamation point at the end of the game's name. If they're not excited about it, who's going to be?
Fun Rating: 8 out of 10

Fix Rey's Face!
Objective: Rey Mysterio is a broken broke guy with a broken face and a broken butt and his broken butt smells and he likes to break his own butt. In this game, re-arrange the slide puzzle pieces so Rey can live a normal life again. When you’re done, wish him well. May he press his fixed face against children like me in a creepy way for many years to come.
Likes: I think this game is teaching me about the structure of the human face. While I prefer eating over learning, we're talking about Rey Mysterio's face. One day, I want my face to be like his face, growing its own colourful wrestling masks and spreading joy throughout the land.
Dislikes: In one try, this slide puzzle took me about 217 seconds to complete. I was aiming for 619 seconds, but I gave myself a running start.
Fun Rating: 8 out of 10

Cena Goes For The Gold!
Look around your neighbourhood for 37 "You Can't See Me" logos and 3 gigantic hats. If you find them, a World Heavyweight Championship is near.

Objective: Is John Cena going for the gold? Yes. On your way to the title, you must collect logos and hats by climbing ladders, jumping over spikes, and keeping yourself balanced on floating steel steps. You have three lives and three minutes to get your championship. If you fail, you must start all over again. As long as you keep yourself alive, the first or second greatest prize in WWE can be yours. You won't even have to compete in that thing called a wrestling match.
Likes: I am no different than any young fan in the WWE Universe. John Cena is my idol. If I can't grow wrestling masks on my face, I want to run and climb ladders like Cena. He can sprint on one foot without moving the other. He can go up rungs without even looking at them. He's the man.
Dislikes: Super Mario is going to be mad. Bowser has moved on, setting his sights on the hustling, loyal, and respectful one. Now, Mario has to get his cakes and princesses from somewhere else.
Fun Rating: 10 out of 10

Matt Hardy's Dino Dodger!
Matt Fact: Matt cannot grow wings.

Objective: You are Matt Hardy. You have travelled back in time to the Stone Age to find one of those buzzards that lives under your sink and eats your garbage. You will get one by any means necessary, even if you must take to the air and avoid hitting pterodactyls with your padded elbow. If you succeed, that buzzard is going to say some funny stuff under your sink like, "One man's junk is another bird's treasure." Real garbage disposals can't say that. Real garbage disposals are prop comics.
Likes: Any dinosaur that can breath fire is cool beans with me. If these pterodactyls are actually choking on the fire, somebody help them because I don’t know CPR. What do these guys have against Matt Hardy, though? He's just trying to get through the day and these guys already have a beef with him. Maybe he knows CPR and is doing nothing about it.
Dislikes: A while ago, I showed my uncle this game. He says he likes his women how he likes his Matt Hardys — shirtless and horizontal. He's in jail now.
Fun Rating: 9 out of 10

Least Favourite

Kofi Kingston's Bad Vibe Buster!
That blue ball looks pretty miserable trying to do Kofi Kingston. That red ball seems ready, though. He can’t wait to get it on with Kofi and that blue ball.

Objective: You are Kofi Kingston with a head that's big, but not as big as Randy Orton's head. Randy thinks Kofi's head is stupid. Kofi is a holy man who can walk on water, not unlike that man I read in that religious book once (Crazy Joe and His Water Shoes, published by Penguin Books). Your job is to defend the water against red, blue, and orange balls by shooting at them with smaller balls. Ew. You're hitting balls against other balls? What kind of game is this? I bet your sister likes this game.
Likes: I'm glad Kofi Kingston is defending his home country of Jamaica. The last thing Jamaica needs is more balls.
Dislikes: That's Ghana? What in the hell is a Ghana? Fudge this game. Your face is a Ghana.
Fun Rating: -1,000,000 out of 10

Santino Marella's Pizza Face!
Objective: At the Roman Coliseum, you are Santino Marella's face. Using your arrow keys to move around the picture, you must find slices of floating pepperoni pizza and stick them to your face. Attaching soccer balls to your face will double the speed of your face or stop it altogether for a moment. Collecting enough pizza splices within the time limit will send you to the next round.
Likes: Pepperoni pizzas are my favourite type of pizza. I eat them all the time because they are made up of the most important food groups — cheese (dairy), pepperoni (meats), stuffed crust (vegetables), and cheese stuck to the cardboard box (fruits).
Dislikes: Santino Marella's face would never run around the Roman Coliseum like that, trying to stick pizza to itself. I've never been to Italy, but I'm guessing Italian people would rather eat pizza that is anywhere close to their faces. If I'm wrong, no wonder why that coliseum is in ruins. Gladiators were bouncing all over the place, looking for airborne pizza.
Fun Rating: 2 out of 10

The Undertaker's Ghost-Patrol!
Objective: Ghosts are haunting the WWE entrance set. As The Undertaker, you are given the task of leading these ghosts back into their spooky mansion. This mansion is located in the top left, top right, bottom left, and bottom right corners of every WWE entrance set. Beating each level will add to the number of ghosts you need to deal with on screen.
Likes: Look, Mom. I'm a Ghostbuster. Watch me busts these ghosts. Are you watching? Mom? Mom. Watch what I do to these ghosts. Are you watching? Are you? Okay. Yeah. Take that, you dumb ghosts. Did you see that? I busted those ghosts good. Oh wait. You're not my mom. You're just The Undertaker, judging me from afar.
Dislikes: You are not really The Undertaker. I see him, standing right there in the background, chilling in the mist. He doesn't give you orders or compliment you on a job well done. He just looks into the distance, wearing his hat and coat. Thanks for nothing, Deadman. I don't care if you're in a vegetative state. Every night, I am in a vegetative state for eight hours. I call it sleeping. I'm doing this for you.
Fun Rating: 3 out of 10

CM Punk vs. Hornswoggle Stink Off!
What do CM Punk and Hornswoggle have in common? They find Mexican food painful, sad, promising, and stressful.

Objective: By clicking your left mouse button, follow the pattern of farting CM Punk and Hornswoggle faces until your parents stop arguing downstairs. In the night, wake up your brothers and sisters and peek through the staircase railing. What do you hear? Your parents are getting a divorce because they've raised a kid who likes playing a game about farting CM Punk and Hornswoggle faces.
Likes: That plate of Mexican food looks delicious. If you can't stand the nachos, get out of the kitchen and give them to me.
Dislikes: Farts are hilarious. Faces that fart are not as hilarious.
Fun Rating: 1 out of 10

The Verdict: WWE Kids is for kids.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 95th

2010-07-26T00:26:00.000-07:00

WWE Women's Championship Match
Layla (c) vs. Skipper Roberts

Sister, sister, sister
So all my girls in my sister's dream house say hey
Even though our mouths don't open that way
Wall to no wall, storey to open storey
This living area was poorly made (sister, sister)

You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)
You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)

Ooh, these clothes are wool, tonight is cool
I'm feeling itchy, tell Mattel to manufacture a backscratcher soon
I'm dressed for a winter holiday, but where is the snow?
And how come there's only one black person we know?

Sister, sister, sister
So all my girls in my sister's dream house say hey
Even though our mouths don't open that way
Wall to no wall, storey to open storey
This living area was poorly made (sister, sister)

You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)
You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Years ago, ECW and I had a One Night Stand. One year later, we had a second One Night Stand. After TNA's Hardcore Justice: The Last Stand, ECW is going to have to make a decision. Are we going to take this relationship to the next level or not?

AND

Tell the devil he can go back from where he came. His fiery arrows drew their bead in vain.

Kid Play: Part 1

2010-07-26T00:17:00.000-07:00

As most of you readers know, World Wrestling Entertainment and I have our disagreements. Sometimes, we settle our arguments with a mechanical bull riding competition. Other times, we fight to the death in a cage made of hate, but primarily steel. Despite our differences, we can always agree on one thing — children are great. You can't live with them, especially if you grabbed them off the playground and tried to raise them as your own. Also, you can't live without them, especially if you have forced them to financially support you by working as gophers in the Colombian drug trade.

Since kids are super cool, why should adult wrestling fans have all the WWE-related fun? Children love wearing black t-shirts featuring enormous and emotionless pictures of their favourite wrestlers on the front, too. The young ones enjoy attending autograph sessions to meet stars who enjoy feigning interest in them. When they're not visiting their local library to enrich their minds, these little lads and lasses can't get enough of reading obscure wrestling facts on the Internet. Thanks to WWE Kids, the promotion is beginning to understand that the entertainment needs of a child are as important as those of a grown man, woman, or person of androgynous persuasion.

Even though I am no longer a kid, I do remember what it was like living the carefree life of one. I remember such timeless activities as playing kickball on the field, picking up jacks in the alley, and setting up a clandestine lemonade stand in my parents' garage. Those sour fruit junkies sure dug their lemonade. They drank that lemonade until teeth started falling out of their mouths. Even then, they would continue to drink, using their remaining teeth to sift out any traces of pulp.

Using my life experiences as a regular, yacht club kid growing up in a gated community, I shall interact with WWE Kids's official website from a child's perspective. As I take off my analytic adult gloves, I shall put on my whimsical kid gloves and softly box the site to a no-decision. Afterwards, we will sip on the lemonade I made when I was younger. All I have to do is get in touch with my special flavour crystals supplier. I think his name was Skooter. He can hook me up with the good stuff. Capri Sun does not get the job done anymore.

Superstar Sayings
Who is this guy?
The Superstars page at WWEKids.com seems fun at first, what with all the splatters and bright colours. Once you get underneath that surface, I think you'll be in for a surprise. When you get to the page, you have the option to hover your mouse over the picture of your favourite WWE Superstar and hear a sound bite. While some wrestlers have a snippet of their entrance theme, others come at you with a disturbing catchphrase. These are a few of the most offensive lines:

Undertaker: "And you will rest in peace."
Ted DiBiase: "We, uh, DiBiases... we have a habit of getting what we want."
Edge: "I am awesome."
MVP: "MVP. I'm half-man, half-amazing. I am better than you."
Cody Rhodes: "Cody. Rhodes."

I came to your site because I am child interested in WWE. When I arrive, I do not deserve death threats from a professional wrestler. I do not need to hear from people who are unsure or confused about their own identity either. You are not The Miz, Edge. I should not be belittled by an individual who is only 50% male. You are not CM Punk, MVP. That comment by Cody Rhodes is fine, though. I didn't know who he was until he told me. Other than that, I am so sad and mad right now.

You know, I could be doing something more productive with my time on the web. The other day, this 8th grader was in the school computer room. He turned on the computer and started watching a video of two girls in a bathtub without shirts, pants, or underwear. They were trying to clean each other with their body parts. I kind of want to see that because I don't like taking baths. You’re making me want to see that video more and more, WWE Kids. Maybe those girls have a solution to my problem. Maybe I should take my business elsewhere, you doo-doo heads.

In My Own Words... The About Me Page
This doesn't have enough "Your Mom" references. I have failed.

Have you ever wondered what your favourite WWE Superstars' farts smell like? Even if you haven't, you should know about the diverse toots of RAW and SmackDown talent. Not only do their farts give you a look into the lives of the stars themselves, but they can tell about what they love to eat. Since Chris Jericho's farts smell like roses and elderberries, he must enjoy eating inedible flowers and edible fruit from trees. Although, he will only eat them if he can correctly answer six out of ten questions about former U.S. Presidents in 60 seconds. If he can’t answer them in that time, the roses and elderberries will leave a conveyor belt and fall off a tall building.

The Superstar Questionnaire at WWEKids.com shows a side of wrestlers that we rarely get to see on television. They may be larger-than-life personalities today, but yesterday, they were kids like us, sharing the same dream. Ever since we were born, you and I hoped to make millions, travelling the world while pretending to hate each other in our colourful briefs. Until we achieve that dream, I have filled out my own questionnaire. I know who I'm going to be. Who will you be?

The WWE Kids Calendar
July is National Parks & Recreation Month. If you have visited a park in the past few days, but did not do any recreational activities, you did not celebrate the month right. Try again.

Unlike WWE.com, the WWE Kids website has a neat calendar full of reminders and facts. Apparently, living like an adult these past few years has made me miss several important holidays. Curse you, grown-up responsibilities. Nobody taught me how to successfully save my money. For weeks, I visited farms, searching for a pig with a slot on its back to hold my coins. Now that I have found my local bank, I feel as though I have wasted the better part of the month. I never got to commemorate the two-year-anniversary of Mark Henry bending a frying pan (July 15), or wish a happy 20th birthday to Harry Potter (July 23). Thanks a lot, WWE Kids.

With July ending and August about to begin, school is still out and us kids are looking for fun. In place of throwing the ball around or “accidentally” setting each other's siblings on fire, I will look at the WWE Kids Calendar for ideas. On July 28th, WWE Kids suggest we celebrate the 77th anniversary of the first singing telegram by singing to a friend. I don't know about you, but I think we have ourselves a wicked Wednesday. I will go get the lyric sheet to N.W.A.'s "F Tha Police." Once we got the song down, we can sing it a cappella style to passing police cars. The message of "F Tha Police" is to find the police and thank them for their many years of service to the community. Let’s do it.

WWE Television for Kids
Hold up, Triple H and The Undertaker. I am all for both of you entering the ring, but I'm not old enough to watch what you're doing next. I need an adult, or maybe two.

What is the difference between WWE television for adults and kids, you say? Based on the site, television for kids is made up of two things. The first thing is every wrestling entrance on RAW, SmackDown, NXT, ECW in the past five years. If you are a modern wrestler with two legs who can walk down a ramp on your own, you will be part of WWE Kids TV. Due to suggestive content and adult situations, the second thing is videos that require parental supervision. Moms and dads should watch WWE with us, but I doubt they will want to after reading the descriptions.

Due to his bicep injury, I'm glad Hunter Hearst Helmsley is keeping himself busy outside of the ring. On the other hand, I don't think he should be going around town like that. He shouldn’t be showing his doodad to boys and girls in MVP's "VIP Lounge," let alone on the web. Kids like me don't own clubs or anything, but I'm sure Triple H being there wouldn't be good for business. No grown up I know would say, "Here's something we can do this Saturday night. Let's go to that club where Triple is sledgehammering the air with his Prince of Princes." Gross.

This Issue
I knew it.

For kids without money to spend on magazines, they can pretend to read one by checking out a online preview. In the summer 2010 issue of WWE Kids Magazine, we will live out our second dream — seeing thumbprints made up to look like WWE Superstars. For years, I have wondered how the heads and torsos of Chris Jericho (“The Best in the World at What He Touches”), Sheamus (Smudgus), and Dolph Ziggler (Dolph Finger) would look like as thumbprints. Now that two out of two dreams have come true, I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should do what Triple H does and reveal all to WWE Kids.

Also, WWE Kids Magazine have given us such rare treats as a photo gallery of today's best wrestlers. In this issue, we have visual proof that Cena is a wizard who loves the WWE Universe. At the same time, Edge is the ultimate opportunist who can keep himself balanced on the ropes at the perfect opportunity. In Newcastle, England, MVP has took a day off from managing the VIP Lounge due to Triple H violating healthy and safety codes. I think the health inspector wants a word with him.

TO BE CONTINUED

Additions: The Underblader

2010-07-19T00:28:00.000-07:00

*****

NEXT WEEK

Hitting Mark Henry with a plastic garbage bin and the garbage inside of it hurts him, but you know what it hurts more? Mother Nature.

AND

Okay, we wrote this for a purpose, to motivate you at this time. With this hypnotizing bassline, please feel free to lose your mind.

Counter Attack

2010-07-19T00:23:00.000-07:00

Randy Orton's RKO counter to Evan Bourne's Shooting Star Press has left me speechless. Truly, I am so speechless that I have been unable to verbally communicate with my friends and family for the past week. In place of trying to express my thoughts and feelings through text, I have been reduced to speaking to them through move reversal.

If I counter a Shooting Star Press into an RKO, that means yes. If I counter a Shooting Star Press into a Shooting Star Press of my own, that means I'm thirsty. If I blink twice, that means nothing as that is not a wrestling counter. Maybe I should have thought this means of communication through, but it's too late now. My grandma — whose wrestling style is most similar to that of a technical brawler — already signed up for wrestling lessons to learn how to do the move. At this point, her deposit is non-refundable.

Wrestling counters have wowed audiences for decades, dramatically ending matches in the blink of an eye — which continues to have no meaning in my method of communication. In a time when older fans are constantly complaining about the predictability of WWE, quick counters are a way to add suspense and surprise to the viewing experience. The next time a fellow wrestling fan hates on WWE, quickly counter his hate into love. He must learn that witnessing a fast-paced, well-executed counter is like finding a Cheeto made of two Cheetos stuck together in a bag of Cheetos. He probably wasn’t expecting to receive such a gift, but he should grateful to get one in the first place.

This week, I will take a look at my favourite counters in professional wrestling. While some reversals involve gravity-defying acrobatics, others employ simple yet clever tactics to escape a hold. As much as I enjoy watching an intricate series of actions and reactions, a poke to the eye or rake to the back can suffice as well. On second thought, if the move that is being reversed is a poke to the back, I want nothing to do with it. A poke to the back is disrespectful, inconvenient, and may result in unwanted pregnancy.

Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle
You call it an athletic sequence of pin attempts between two talented cruiserweights. I call it "The Travelling Live Sex Celebration." Together, we can agree that a sequence of rolling inside cradles is a flashy, fun, and erotic form of entertainment for wrestling fans of any age. If you are a mother or father of curious children, do not bother trying to explain your intimate escapades to them. If they walk into your bedroom, tell them you're practicing Lucha Libre, figuring out who can cradle the other the best. Your English-speaking kids will think you're speaking gibberish. On the other hand, your illegitimate, Spanish-speaking kids will love it as much as they want you to love them.

Who is that woman? Where is Guadalupe, their real mother? Oh, those crazy, illegitimate children and their questions.

Side Effect -----> Counter Side Effect?
Matt Hardy's Side Effect can be best described as a forceful, sit-down side slam. Likewise, the counter to Matt Hardy's Side Effect can be best described as a forceful, sit-down side slam. To this day, I do fully understand what Matt Hardy's Side Effect accomplishes. Of course, the move can effectively incapacitate your opponent for a near-three count, but it does so at the expense of the executor's modern physical appearance.

As long as he is content with constantly looking like he is trapped in the late 1990s, I am happy for Matt Hardy and his Side Effect. He seems like such a good person. If he enjoys slamming his opponent back-first onto the mat while he himself slams his back onto the mat, more power to him. Now, let’s go listen to some New Radicals.

Jackhammer -----> Diamond Cutter
Halloween Havoc 1998 was a WCW Pay-Per-View event that proved two things. For one, the Pay-Per-View proved that giant ghouls love to show off their inflatable pumpkins to people. For two, the main event WCW Championship Match between Diamond Dallas Page and Goldberg proved that Billiam could get it done. When he was not blowing smoke out of his nostrils or abusing innocent lockers, he was more than capable of wrestling in a professional manner. On top of making his moves look good, he made the moves of others look good, too.

Most definitely, the sight of Page flawlessly countering Goldberg's Jackhammer into the Diamond Cutter is a fond wrestling memory of mine. Whenever I come across this match, I yearn for the return of World Championship Wrestling. I don't think I ever got closure on this Halloween Havoc business. That ghoul on the entrance ramp loved his pumpkin, but posters for the event made it seem as though he loved Slim Jims just as much. Which does he love more? Pumpkins or beef jerky? I need an answer, ghoul friend.

Springboard Something -----> Sweet Chin Music
In 2005, Shelton Benjamin looked to advance in the WWE Championship Gold Rush Tournament with a high-impact, springboard move. As he sprung himself from one end of the ring to the other, Shawn Michaels caught him in mid-air with the sweetest Sweet Chin Music in recent WWE history. At the time, I was like any other viewer, shocked and amazed by what I saw before me. Now that I have revisited the match, I am in awe of another aspect of the finish. Specifically, I want to know what move Shelton Benjamin was trying to do before eating said Superkick.

Some wrestling analysts believe that Benjamin was aiming to hit Michaels with a springboard clothesline. Although I see the springboard part of the move, I was not aware that a clothesline involves raising both hands in front of your face. Other wrestling fans insist that Shelton was looking to hit a double axe handle, but I disagree. Propelling yourself off the top rope to hit a double axe handle is like taking a fourteen-hour flight to China to buy groceries. From my observations, I conclude that this spectacular finish was initiated by Shelton showing Shawn his love for springboarding. Unfortunately, Michaels did not share Shelton’s passion for the activity.

Sweet Chin Music -----> Ball Punch
Before he was "The Viper" — acting like a snake who somehow injures himself while taunting — Randy Orton was "The Legend Testikiller." During a 2007 WWE Championship Match against Shawn Michaels, Orton executed a beautiful, legend-killing counter to Sweet Chin Music. As Michaels tuned up the band and lifted his leg, Randy drove his fist into the Heartbreak Kid's groin. Even though the blow did not put an end to his wrestling career, Shawn’s baby-making career was in jeopardy.

Three years later, Shawn's inability to reproduce drove him mad. Looking for an outlet to express his anger and frustration, he would take it out on the Undertaker — who only experienced slight groinal pain when slipping on the top rope for Old School.

Pedigree/Outsider's Edge ------> Back Body Drop Out of the Ring
Are you Triple H? If you are not Triple H, are you Scott Hall? If you are Triple H or Scott Hall, I would refrain from attempting your finishing move near the ropes. Not only will you not have room to properly execute the finisher, you are giving your opponent the perfect opportunity to lift you up and over those ropes.

While I am a big fan of this counter, the move has made me scared to do anything near a set of ropes or rope-like barrier. In vacation photos at high altitudes, I am often located at least ten metres away from the barrier. At that height, I fear that a fellow tourist will flip me over the barricade and send me falling to my death. Perhaps I should stop setting other tourists up for the Pedigree and Outsider's Edge, but that's the way I travel. I don’t think I could enjoy the sight of the Grand Canyon if I couldn’t nail some elderly vacationers from Iowa with a finisher or five.

Irish Whip -----> Turnbuckle Flip
Thanks to Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels, I need not adhere to the laws of physics anymore. Ever since I first witnessed them counter an Irish whip into a corner flip over the turnbuckles, I have laughed in the face of physicists (the true enemies of professional wrestling). They claim that an object cannot possibly change its own trajectory while in motion. I claim that a moving object (my fist) can change its own trajectory when in search of a ignorant, ugly surface to punch (their faces).

Recently, I invaded the estate of Sir Isaac Newton and showed his ancestors a recording of the counter. After refusing to leave the living room, his family tried to Irish whip me off their property. In turn, I flipped over their fence and maniacally cackled all the way home. A truck ended up clotheslining me as I showed off on the sidewalk, but at least I proved my point.

Powerbomb -----> Facebuster
In his tank-top-and-jean-shorts heyday, Billy Kidman was famous for countering any and all powerbomb attempts into a facebuster. Even wrestlers who never had the move in their arsenal would try to force Kidman down via powerbomb, only for Billy to bust their faces onto the canvas instead. Kidman's love for this counter suggests me to that this is how he prefers to live his life. At first, Torrie Wilson approved of his uncanny ability to reverse everything into a face buster. As time passed, she grew restless with him as Billy would not stop hitting the counter in the bedroom. On their divorce papers, Torrie states that the reason why they could not make the marriage work was due to "irreconcilable differences into facebuster."

My admiration for Kidman's facebuster has not let up, but I do feel sorry for the man who popularized the move. While I wish to personally congratulate Billy Kidman on a counter well done, I quite like the current state of my face. Once I decide to bust it, I shall give him a call.

Foot Catch -----> Step-over Spinning Heel Kick
For years, Rob Van Dam has caught unsuspecting foes with his patented step-over spinning heel kick. After thousands of matches, you would think that his opponents would know when the move was coming, yet they keep on falling for it. I'm not sure why they fail to anticipate the counter, but I do have a theory. Whenever a wrestler catches Rob Van Dam's foot in his hands, he must be engaging in some sort of complicated role-playing game.

In this game, the wrestler is the police officer. Rob Van Dam's foot is a shirtless Rob Van Dam speeding down the highway in his rental car with his friend Sabu. Also, Rob Van Dam's foot smells like marijuana and butt sweat.

Punch/Kick -----> Stick Your Chest Out Like A Boss
As a general rule, I do not condone fighting unless you are doing so for a good cause. For your information, fighting to impress a girl, acquire free lunches, or initiate a national cheerleading competition are excellent causes. In the event that you find yourself in a schoolyard or office fight, I suggest you take a page from classic wrestling video games. When a punch or kick comes along, you must thrust your chest forward.

Thank you, THQ games on the Nintendo 64, for teaching us that sticking out your chest is the solution to everything. Out of the 1,256 unsanctioned fights I had as a youngling after school, I won 1,253 of them by sticking out my chest with an intense glare. As my finishing move, I would usually take a large block of cheese or oversized can of Steveweiser from the crowd of onlookers and hit my enemy over the head with it. Finally, a caricature of Earl Hebner would appear in front of us and count the pinfall. I was ecstatic about every victory, yet my one, blocky facial expression said otherwise.

Additions: General Electric

2010-07-12T00:48:00.000-07:00

*****

NEXT WEEK

I will live like Alberto Del Rio. I wish to be a highly educated, well-dressed, and honourable hermit.

AND

I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves. Goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers.

Whistling Dixie

2010-07-12T00:41:00.000-07:00

In the wrestling community, few authority figures are as respected and revered as promoter Dixie Carter. When people aren't confusing her with the late actress who starred in Designing Women, they are praising Dixie for her business savvy and wrestling knowledge. Among my peers, she is known as a M.I.L.F.O.T.S. (Mother I'd Like to Feature on the Site) due to her astounding level of success in the personal and professional world. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling is lucky to have such a vibrant and lovely woman at the helm. Jeff Jarrett did nothing for me, but I am sure he is vibrant and lovely to someone.

So far, every executive decision made by Dixie Carter has altered TNA for the better. Bringing in Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff to work their creative and productive juices into the promotion brought TNA back to the good old days of early 2000 WCW. Briefly moving TNA iMPACT! to Monday nights as a means to compete with WWE RAW encouraged viewers to appreciate the value of watching the show on Thursdays. The signing of "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair served as a grim yet necessary reminder of our own mortality. With TNA Pay-Per-View buy rates hovering at and around the range of five glorious figures, Dixie deserves most if not all the credit.

Lately, certain gutless analysts have criticized Dixie Carter's unorthodox views and opinions about the wrestling industry and life in general. For some inexplicable reason, these critics have even gone as far to attack her Twitter posts — which they believe contain cryptic and passive-aggressive messages directed toward them. Although I strongly disagree with these so-called critics, I have decided to analyze the posts for myself to determine what Dixie actually wishes to communicate. Once I complete this process, I shall prove that these attackers are nothing more than uneducated slanderers.

Regular folk should be glad that Dixie is willing to take time out of her busy schedule and interact with them. She could be doing something more productive, such as manufacture a popular brand of paper cups or collect bananas with her boyfriend Diddy in his Kong Quest, but she chose to speak with you. I wish I could be like Dixie and interact with my fanbase, but I am currently in a legal battle with a foolish man. He claims to be me, owns a Twitter account in my name, and managed to link my site to his account without my knowledge or consent. If he wasn't so attractive, funny, and charming, I would be furious.

Tragic: The Posting

In this post, an exhausted Dixie Carter claims that a TNA Adrenaline Rush is better than sleep. Eight hours spent lying comfortably on a mattress is no match for two hours spent watching 1,000 tourists enjoy air conditioning at the same time. Too bad those sweaty dudes flipping at each other in the foreground don't get to cool off for a bit. Truly, it's no wonder why TNA has so many storylines and feuds based on unexpected betrayal. Nobody would need to tire themselves out and get sweaty if every member of the TNA roster decided not to form a tag team.

While this message is fairly positive, Dixie's reference to a midnight "MTG" is clearly a shot at passionate, collectible card gamers. For those of you who prefer to play Magic: The Gathering in the daytime, Dixie is having none of it. Like other cool people who are not lame nerds, she prefers acquiring mana at around 12:00 a.m. in the morning. She's not going to cast spells at brunch. Get at her.

Brother Raymond and his Three-Dimensional, Permanent Angry Face

This time, Dixie is happy to inform the loyal fans of TNA that the sport of soccer and football are one in the same. Although American football is arguably the most popular sport in the country, Dixie is the only woman who understands the true form of football. In particular, she knows that actual football involves the use of a body part known as the foot. In a future post, I expect Dixie to tell these fans where that part is located on the body. International stars already know the foot's exact location, but is Brother Ray aware? Since he is not an international star, I doubt it.

According to this post, Bubba Ray is likely the only American soccer fan on the TNA roster. Despite USA's strong showing at the World Cup, I assume Bubba's fandom got the best of him. When USA lost to Ghana, he must have felt as though the world was coming down upon him, specifically injuring his butt with the impact of fifty Bubba Bombs.

Penultimate Fighting Championship

The recent release of TNA iMPACT! for the Playstation Portable and Nintendo DS excites Dixie muchly. On second thought, she seems a little too excited for a video game she might never play. Yesterday, I contacted a few inside sources in the industry. They told me that Dixie has another superstar signing to announce. If you are a fan of mixed martial arts and the Ultimate Fighting Championship, you may know UFC Welterweight Champion Georges St-Pierre. Even though TNA does not have the money to sign him up for an appearance or two, you guys and gals are in for the next best thing. Any day now, get ready for the debut of Philippe St-Pierre — Georges St-Pierre's distant and estranged brother.

Georges St-Pierre has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Strangely enough, Philippe St-Pierre has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, too. Do not ask him where he got the belt, though. Just be content that Philippe is in possession of one until George can contact the authorities. After researching his name on Google, TNA fans should know that PSP is not only a trained mixed martial artist. During the weekends, he works part-time at a store that sells musical instruments. Nice. I can hear it now. Every time he wrestles, fans will be chanting for discount tubas.

All I Have to Do is Dreamer

Wait a Nashville, Tennessean minute, Dixie. Hold onto your delicate undergarments, lady. Dreamer's influence on TNA has been rather beneficial and entertaining, especially to me as I can now confirm that Rhyno, Raven, and Stevie Richards are alive and well. Nevertheless, do not get too hot and bothered in the pelvic region for Tommy Dreamer. Any twelve-year-old knows that when a girl says, "the more extreme the better," they are legally obligated to reply with the phrase, "That's what she said." The petals were plucked from your flower a long while ago, though that does not mean you should communicate your explicit thoughts on the Internet.

For goodness sake, you are the strong female figurehead of a national wrestling promotion. At least you salvaged this post by mentioning your flagship program by its appropriate name. If you didn't clarify what type of impact you meant, who knows what those twelve year olds would say? Maybe they could say, "You're anticipating an impact alright. An impact in your pants."

From now on, please keep suggestive thoughts to yourself.

The Vatican Zone

For weeks, TNA fans tossed and turned in their TNA Adrenaline Rushes as D'Angelo Dinero dropped down the rankings. While I am happy that he has finally returned to keep himself in the Top 10, I do not share the same level of enthusiasm that Dixie conveys in this message. D'Angelo Dinero is a talented Pope, but I was hoping that Dixie was hinting at the debut of a second, injury-free Pope. I’m sorry to say that the durability of Popes in TNA has come into question. I highly doubt Dinero’s shoulder injury allowed him to keep his pimp hand strong. Many pimping Popes before him were forced to retire after suffering such ligament damage. Whose to say that Dinero will be any different?

When I refer to the possibility of signing a new Pope, I'm talking about big names such as Pope Benedict XVI or the real Pope (Todd Grisham). For all I know, Dixie could have been talking with Pope Todd Grisham, only to come out of those contact talks with nothing. Perhaps she shouldn't have offered to buy him a new robe. If I was Pope Todd Grisham, I would find that offer most insulting. His suit, glasses, and gelled hair are his robe. He may not condone sex before marriage, but he is all about the mousse.

In Dependence Day

As a female of United States citizenship, Dixie wishes that her fellow Americans and non-Americans can come together and safely use fireworks without setting each other aflame. Her humble admiration for the men and women who dedicate their lives to preserving American's freedom and independence tells me that she has been on a patriotic entertainment kick as of late. I think someone caught a late-night showing of Independence Day on cable and wants to join in on the fun.

In this scenario, Dixie Carter is Will Smith, welcoming aliens to Earth via punch to the face. Jeff Jarrett is Bill Pullman, flying his jet into the mothership to save the world. If Paul Heyman is about to join the company as rumours suggest, he can be Jeff Goldblum, making plans to fight the aliens while indecisively stammering. As for the aliens themselves, Vince McMahon and his family can step in for a cameo. To Triple H's dismay, Stephanie McMahon can play the alien who can only give birth to girls.

My Lovely Lady Hatch

Mere hours after Dixie expressed her thoughts of the LOST series finale on Twitter, critics misread this post as an accurate and ironic reflection of her management style in TNA. In response to these critics, I believe they are missing the entire point of the message. Like the hopelessly lost characters of the hit ABC drama, Dixie and the TNA roster booked a flight with Oceanic Airlines. Before they could get to Los Angeles from Sydney, the aircraft broke in two, crash landing in Orlando, Florida. Ever since the accident, Dixie and TNA have wandered the terrain, unable to make much sense of anything.

Years ago, Frankie Kazarian constructed a bamboo raft and set sail for the calm waters of World Wrestling Entertainment. In the end, he found himself back in the strange land that is TNA. Obviously, the Impact Zone is a peculiar place with magical powers. One fateful day, Dixie may decide to return the six-sided cork back into the center of the Impact Zone. Until that time comes, she is left wondering if every promoter promotes alone.

Chance Meeting

After reading Dixie's posts, I feel as though I know her better than I know myself. For the most part, I have that feeling because my self refuses to return my calls. Regardless, Dixie Carter's messages have taught me enough about her to determine the mystery man, woman, or child behind the meeting. Since she mentioned that we will eventually meet this individual as well, I shall assume that the person in question does not live life as a hologram. Since she posted the message on July 8th, it is safe to say that the day of the meeting rules out anybody who was born on or after July 9th. The potential main event matchup between Samoa Joe and a July 9th baby of similar size and shape would make tons of money, but I doubt we'll get ever it.

With these facts in mind, I conclude that Dixie Carter encountered her future self. Future Dixie could have warned Present Dixie Carter of what would become of TNA if she wasn’t careful, but Future Dixie Carter did not want to alter destiny. In place of telling her what not to do, Future Dixie Carter and Present Dixie Carter ended up chatting about girl stuff. Future Dixie Carter told Present Dixie Carter about the evolution of the shawl and little else. Future Dixie Carter sounds like a time-travelling beyotch.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 94th

2010-07-05T00:38:00.000-07:00

WWE United States Championship Match
The Miz (c) vs. Mystikal

Represent the states, but watch yourself
Represent the states, but don't show me your Florida
Represent the states, but watch yourself
Represent the states, put back that dangling Florida

I came here moving thangs with my hands
Don't make me leave with a surplus of thangs in my possession, let's haggle
And don't worry about how I'm talking like this
When I'm rapping I'm not angry, but I'm just disappointed in what you do
I'm truculent with every single step
More dignified than any other rapper who just served a long-term prison sentence
You can't defeat me and you won't
Except when you do and you did
Take the mic, don't be trite, get your coat back
Got some Kwik for my dogg pound, witnessing Killings at the theme park
You think I'm lying? Miz, I wouldn't try it
I'm sighing if you trip over words about voting for the Diva Search
Kids rhyming weekly, acting like they're into me
Hope this doesn't alarm you when I say I'm the man without the candy van (stranger danger)
Came to play, but not this way
You're in reality, not on MTV
Get like a student and you'll learn
We don't play by road rules because we're living in the real world

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

I will climb a ladder and grab a briefcase, weeks before I have to climb a ladder and grab a briefcase for real.

AND

Simple. You hit him, don't let him hit you.

Counting the Breaks

2010-07-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

Recently, WWE's official website conducted a series of interviews with the best and brightest of professional sports. They call this segment "Breaking the Count," which is a wrestling reference, but could very well be a Sesame Street reference. Members of the Chicago Blackhawks — the 2010 Stanley Cup Champions — were the most notable athletes to break the count, answering five tough questions with five tough, salary-cap-strapped answers. Also, Chris Carter of the New York Mets has done some answering with a sub-.250 response average. Therefore, he successfully gave a reply for every fourth question. Good for him.

At this time, I am not a professional athlete, but I have dabbled in numerous competitive sports in the past. In high school, I was a part of the school's soccer, baseball, and basketball teams. They used to call me "Superstar" for my dynamic athleticism. The only problem was that I played these sports simultaneously. Before kicking the soccer ball into the net, I would try to hit it with a baseball bat while shooting the J with my other hand. This technique may not sound that unorthodox to some of you, but while I was trying to play three sports at once, I did so underwater. The swim team needed me.

Even though I am now fully committed to the Internet writing/gangster rap game, that does not mean I am willing to leave my sporting life behind. Thanks to WWE's Breaking the Count, the marriage between my old and new self has been made. After I answer these questions, who knows what could happen? The Swerved could be drafted by a sports organization somehow. LeBron James and I could be hooping it up on the same team, winning title after title for the Vancouver Grizzlies. I might bolt to Russia and play in the Kontinental Hockey League as a left winger. The possibilities are infinite.

In sports, sources tell me that it does not matter whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. As far as wrestling-related interviews are concerned, I am undefeated with the majority of my victories decided by unintentional count-out against Primo. With that sparkling record, I guess I'm playing the game in an awesome to super awesome fashion. I am going to rule these queries with an iron-answering fist.

1. Who was your favourite Superstar growing up?
I would have to say that my favourite wrestler as a child was The Godfather. He was such a vibrant, family-friendly character who appealed to any and all age groups. While the neighbourhood kids were playing Cops and Robbers or Cowboys and Indians, I was playing Pimps and Hoes. The object of Pimps and Hoes is similar to tag in that the hoes must run away from the pimps in order to gain their freedom. As for the pimps, they must chase after the hoes to gain their cut of the profits. The game ends when either the hoes start a new life — studying psychology at community college and working part-time shifts at Denny's — or the pimps get their money and return the hoes to their Ho-V (recreational Hummer for prostitutes).

Plus, I was a big fan of The Godfather's Ho Train. Unlike other young boys, I was not enamoured with the sexy yet skanky ladies. I just enjoyed watching a group of people moving in a train-like formation. Who doesn't these days? The Quad City DJs would have been quite proud of such a train.

2. What's your best memory of WWE?
My favourite memory of WWE was Mae Young's enthusiastic display at the 2000 Miss Royal Rumble swimsuit contest. While such legendary Divas as The Kat and Barbara Bush showed their attractive thingies, Mae's shocking appearance shall enlighten my soul for the rest of my life. Once I saw Miss Young's aged, prosthetic, anterior protuberances out in the open, I gained a newfound appreciation and respect for the legally blind. My eyes allow me to take in the beauty of my surroundings, but maybe I don't need that kind of luxury anymore. Thanks to Mae Young, I have decided to interact with the world around me through Braille only.

Certain moments in WWE history should feel good to the touch, such as Sable's handprint bra unveiling or every other Diva Pillow Fight. On the other hand, I do not look forward to any event that features the de-pantsing of Triple H or Ric Flair. My innocent hands aren't ready to cope with traumatic experiences yet.

3. What would the name of your signature move be?
In my opinion, the name of a wrestler's signature move is as important as the name and personality of the wrestler himself. For instance, I am not going to cheer for a wrestler who ends his matches with a hip toss called "This is a Hip Toss." That name is neither flashy nor creative, which suggests to me that the man behind the name is no better. The best signature moves in wrestling are the ones with a catchy yet simplistic name that can be hit on anyone from anywhere, such as the Stone Cold Stunner, Rock Bottom, and the Superkick/Sweet Chin Music. For my signature move, I will not settle for anything less than a name fit for a WWE megastar.

Taking my own personal interests and athletics abilities into account, I have invented a move that combines the unpredictable and flashy Inverted 450 Splash with the atomic deadliness of the leg drop. The working name for it is "That Time John Stamos Went Skydiving on the Day of His Wedding on Full House, Only to Get Stuck in a Tree." I shall signal for the move by summoning The Rippers with an electric conch, which was given to me by The Beach Boys after performing with them in Hawaii.

4. Which Superstar or Diva, past or present, would you like to escort you to the ring?
Maryse's recent pairing with Ted DiBiase has inspired me to take on Maryse Ouellet as my valet. You see, Ted and I are similar in that we both have millions of dollars to spend on valets that can accompany us to the top of the ramp, but do not wish to walk any further. A girl who chooses to watch me accompany myself the rest of the way when she is supposed to walk down the entire ramp is my kind of woman. My other kind of woman is a lady who needs my assistance when entering the ring. Since I hired her, it is my job to safely get her into the ring as I get into that same ring without any help whatsoever.

If I had to pick a former or present WWE Superstar to escort me to the ring, I would give the honour to "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. For years, he has been wandering around America with a 2x4 in hand. A construction site wants that 2x4 back and I am trying to return it to them. I would buy them a new one, but they know what their 2x4 looks like. I couldn't fool them.

5. How is your sport like WWE?
Professional wrestling analysis is a lot like World Wrestling Entertainment in that at any time, my kneecap can just kind of blow over to the side of my leg. Every week, I am in danger of tearing my entire pectoral muscle completely off my shoulder. Intense sessions of wrestling criticism have forced me to have surgery five times in my left knee. The other day, my tendon was torn off the bone and I couldn't hardly lift my leg anymore. With my every article I write, my body and my life are on the line.

In conclusion, perhaps I should stop writing articles with my kneecap, my pectoral muscle, my left knee, and my leg. I believe using those body parts rather than my fingers and hands might have something to do with my injuries. Sadly, I never learned how to type on the computer in any other way. I hope I am safe while driving and eating as I tend to steer with my face and eat with my elbow.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 93rd

2010-06-28T00:21:00.000-07:00

Fatal 4-Way Match
Rey Mysterio vs. Mario vs. Luigi vs. Princess Toadstool

Do the Mysterio
Win every match from feud to feud
Come on — adjust your mask
Do the Mysterio

Take one leap
Break a face accidentally
Let's do the Mysterio
While avoiding knee injuries

You've suspended people's disbelief
It's the Mysterio

Do the Mysterio
Give children hoods to hide their faces
Come on — invade their personal space
Do the Mysterio

Take one jump
The hydraulics are faulty
Let's do the Mysterio
Technical ramp difficulties

Come on now
Just like that

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

I agree with WWE. Only nerds use the Internet. Now, follow what these cool WWE guys do as they use the Internet.

AND

Dreams burn, but in ashes of gold.

GMail

2010-06-28T00:15:00.000-07:00

The new RAW General Manager is a mystery, a authority figure that no one sees. Who could it be? So far, I have narrowed him or her down to anyone in World Wrestling Entertainment who knows how to use an e-mail account and is willing to have maintain close communication with Michael Cole. In other words, I have narrowed the GM’s identity down to three people. In my quest to determine the man or woman behind the e-mail address, I manage to accidentally stumble upon a series of messages that Michael did not read on the air. Thanks, Fisher Price Hacking Playset. I could not do this without you.

According to law, I have been told that my actions are less than legal. Well, if caring about WWE's well-being is illegal, throw me jail and keep me there until I roll two dice of the same number or pay fifty dollars in fake, pink money. Monday Night RAW is not a toy. Whoever this RAW General Manager may be, I pray that he or she is doing what is right for the company. After revealing that he was the GM of WWF RAW and WWE RAW, I do not need another Bret-Hart-like situation. He was controlling two shows in two companies, yet nothing was done to stop him. I, for one, am glad that his reign of tyranny is over.

The following e-mails serve as a telling window into this mystery GM's soul. Before you continue reading, prepare to be shocked, offended, and invigorated. For some of you, don't be surprised if you end up pregnant with the RAW General Manager's general babies. Surely, his or her words are powerful and sexually potent. If you are currently pregnant with child, do not even bother to read these e-mails because the GM's baby will defeat and replace the one that is already in your womb. To be honest, I'm not sure how that is physical possible, but I learned about the miracle of birth from various children's pop-up books. Don't take my word for it.

Wherever you are, mystery GM, I wish you good luck in your present endeavours. May your decisions send many a shockwave throughout RAW and change the landscape of the wrestling industry forever. To my knowledge, you shall be the first general manager to accomplish these lofty goals for nobody has tried what you're trying before. Early congratulations to you and yours, my no-named friend.

E-mail #1: Learning the Basics
In this e-mail, the RAW General Manager discovers the wonders of sending messages through electronic means. At the same time, Michael Cole makes plan to give the mystery GM limited access to his Facebook account.

E-mail #2: An Excellent Business Opportunity
No more than one week removed from being announced as the new RAW General Manager, the mystery man or woman informs Michael Cole of a sure-fire way to make them big bucks. Once Michael Cole is finished selling knives door to door for a substantial profit, he will be more than happy to join in on this deal.

E-mail #3: Stop Acting Like a Michael Cole, Michael Cole
In this e-mail, RAW's mysterious manager wants Michael Cole to read his messages like a man. As of this writing, Michael Cole is working part-time at an apprenticeship to become a real man. In my opinion, I highly doubt that working part-time will do the trick — unless he wants to be a part-time man.

E-mail #4: Knowing Your Superiors
The RAW General Manager and Vince McMahon are getting closer by the day. Whenever Vince McMahon sees Michael Cole reading an e-mail from the mystery manager, Vince says, "Is that the manager? Did the GM say anything about me?" In turn, the RAW General Manager is very interested in Vince's likes and dislikes and wants to make him a mixtape. Linda is jealous of their blooming relationship.

E-mail #5: Suit and Nothing Else
In the game of life, you either win or lose. In the game of dressing up in a formal manner while employed by WWE, you either win or lose, too. Why? The RAW General Manager does not accept ties. Michael Cole better take notes and start showing some upper chest.

E-mail #6: Take Care of Einstein for Me
Michael Cole and the RAW GM's exciting adventures through time have provided them with many lasting memories. Yet, for every action in time is met with an equal and opposite reaction. They are messing with the time-e-mail-message continuum. They must face the consequences. Their future e-mails are in danger.

E-mail #7: Celebrity Cameos A-Go-Go
World Wrestling Entertainment's decision to continue with the RAW Guest Host idea sits well with the mystery GM. Celebrities condescendingly interacting with wrestling and the wrestling audience has been a staple of the industry for the longest time. Why mess with tradition?

E-mail #8: The Debut
One day, the RAW General Manager shall emerge from the shadows, generally managing from locations with increasingly better light sources. On that day, we shall see his or her face and rejoice. Michael Cole believes he is talking to Batman. I see no reason why Batman is not the RAW General Manager. He has nothing better to do.

Superstars on Super Things: Oatmeal on a Stick

2010-06-21T00:47:00.000-07:00

*****

NEXT WEEK

I have an announcement that will trump any Dixie Carter announcement. I'm not giving it away, but it has something to do with disappointment.

AND

What are you? A guy or something?

Wrestling with "Wrestling with Confessions"

2010-06-21T00:41:00.000-07:00

Forgive me, Father of Wrestling Confessions, for I have returned. I have not spoken to you in quite a while. I consider myself to be a man of faith, but I do not care for confession booths. Whenever I enter one to tell you my deepest, darkest, wrestling-related secrets, I know what you're doing. I can hear you unwrapping your block of cheese. Don't bother trying to grate that stuff against the screen because I won't be returning the flakes to you. Please grate your fresh parmesan on your own time, Father.

The weight of these secrets have burdened me long enough. Everywhere I go, wrestling fans ask me about my true thoughts and feelings about the industry. While I am more than willing to divulge some of those thoughts and feelings on this site, I am keeping many for a future tell-all book entitled, "Ending Sentences I Began During Conversations with Wrestling Fans." The book will feature nothing but the last few words to incomplete sentences uttered years ago about professional wrestling. Because I don't remember which fan asked me what question, I will simply direct the answer to a detailed, physical description of a person. Based on my excellent, long-term memory, those descriptions are likely contain the phrase "person with human features."

Once you hear these secrets, you may not see me in the same positive light ever again. In your eyes, one secret could make me a saint, while another could turn me into a saintlier saint. In the case of readers who come across these confessions, I hope they do not think less of the real me. Despite my squeaky-clean reputation, I am far from perfect. Now and again, I am bound to make mistakes. For example, imagine my surprise when my weekly javelin practice in the Gulf Coast went awry. My hover yacht, from where I threw my javelins, was moving all over the place.

I urge you, Father of Confessions, to show me how to absolve my sins. Last time, I cleansed myself of wrongdoing by taking a shower in water rather than liquid gold. Although I still felt dirty for taking a regular person's shower, my conscience was clear. As you quietly unwrap your block of cheese on the other side of this confession booth, please work your magic once more.

1) Ever since Carlito's release from World Wrestling Entertainment, I have been inconsolable. In protest, I have gathered a large group of supporters who shall continue to have a slight dislike for apples. Outsiders will say, "Hey, supporters. Do any of you guys want to eat some delicious apples?" In response, we will say, "No, not really. We're tired of hiding from all of these doctors."

2) I know the mystery man behind TNA's "Ace Card" attacks on Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal. Even though Orlando Jordan was the first to use a playing card (The Wild Card) on his opponent, he is not responsible. If you want to know the man's true identity, look inside every wrestler's standard deck of playing cards — which he receives upon signing with TNA. If an Ace of Spades is missing, somebody is in trouble.

3) The other day, I entered a Fatal Four-Way with three beautiful ladies. To our dismay, nobody died or won a championship. In the end, we found ourselves sexing with each other. What was the point?

4) As a guidance counsellor for impressionable teens, young men and women often come to me for advice. Whenever they ask me how to French kiss their significant other, I get nervous and tell them to watch Maryse. To this day, I indirectly responsible for concussing three-quarters of the teenage population in my area.

5) I first taught female wrestlers the back handspring as a fun and flashy way to deliver the sandwiches they made to male wrestlers. Today, those females are ending the move with an elbow and nobody is getting sandwiches. My work was for nothing.

6) As a young boy, I thought that the sunset flip involved the moon leaping over a bent sun and putting it in a pinning predicament. With no referee present, the sun would kick out at around 6 A.M. I was a tender, innocent, seventeen-year-old child.

7) Rumours of an Extreme Championship Wrestling storyline in TNA could very well fulfill an impossible dream of mine. One day, broken-down, middle-aged men will have heated arguments at a theme park. On that day, my life will be complete.\

8) I have tried to grant citizenship to foreign objects, but they are unwilling to get married to objects born in this country.

9) John Cena and Batista's I Quit Match at Over The Limit has inspired me to take on my nemesis in an I Quilt Match. The first man who admits his love for stitching squares of fabric together to make colourful blankets will be the loser (or the winner, depending upon your opinion of public quilting).

10) After his successful run of imitating "The Macho Man" Randy Savage, I'm glad that Jay Lethal finally gets to be himself — an imitation of "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair.

11) The unforgiving steel cage is giving me the silent treatment. I have apologized to the cage numerous times for leaving it for a more understanding cage, but it will not return my calls. Also, every time I see the unforgiving steel cage around town, it shows off by grinding on top of a wrestling ring.

12) I heard that Rey Mysterio was only able to conceive his three children with his wife draped over the middle rope. Mr. and Mrs. Mysterio tried to conceive a fourth child, but his wife was out of position by the time they were ready.

13) Due to Percy Watson's sudden popularity, I am afraid that I must humble him by stifling his rise to the top of the wrestling world. In the next few weeks, watch out for the debut of faraway eye charts.

14) Last Monday, I like to think that Ted DiBiase took the hundred-dollar bill from Virgil's mouth because he mistook him for a big chain bank. In turn, I think average, middle-class people are doing a disservice to their savings by not holding them in Virgil's mouth. I assume his mouth has a low interest rate.

15) Although I do not have the authoritative power to fire WWE Superstars, I convinced the promotion to fire Daniel Bryan. Despite his years of experience and superior wrestling skills, I could really use a new Coldplay album right now.

16) When the Acolyte Protection Agency ran their Always Pounding Ass Bar & Grill, I refused to visit. I did not want to witness Bradshaw and Faarooq have butt relations with a restaurant. Butt relations are not sanitary.

17) I am not afraid of Kane. In fact, I feel sorry for him. Unlike other Big Red Machines, he wears one, coloured contact lens. Maybe he shouldn't have spent all of his money on one fancy, coloured contact lens. With his salary, he could have bought himself a decent pair of regulars. You cannot reason with him.

18) Hulk Hogan's Hall of Fame ring gives aspiring stars the power and confidence needed to excel in the wrestling business. After conducting a survey with wrestling fans, I have concluded that Hulk Hogan's Hall of Fame ring gives them the power and confidence needed to see what else is on Thursday-night television.

19) I wonder why former abductees who are featured in the news don't act like Samoa Joe and randomly interfere in wrestling matches. If I was a child who was recently abducted, I would want nothing more than to randomly interfere in wrestling matches. Forget about getting justice against my abductors. I’m hankering to mess people up in the Impact Zone.

20) I planned the NXT Rookies' assault on Bret Hart. With that said, I never instructed them to shove him into a limousine, then have the driver violently reverse the limousine into other cars. I just told them to open up his shirt without asking him. Calgarians loathe buttoning up their shirts. If they have to do it twice, forget about it.

Superstars on Super Things: Dead Man Wheeling

2010-06-14T00:52:00.000-07:00

*****

NEXT WEEK

I will be in a vegetative state. That's right — I'm visiting Colorado.

AND

Your hands upon a deadman's gun and you're looking down the sights.

Choice Night

2010-06-14T00:49:00.000-07:00

In an unprecedented and genius move, World Wrestling Entertainment handed over the booking reigns to their universe. In turn, the WWE Universe gave us a one-time, voting extravaganza that we will not soon forget. Last Monday, the Divas competed in a rare yet familiar Over The Bottom, Middle, or Top Rope Battle Royal. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper returned to exact revenge on a guy who played another guy playing a guy that Piper used to dislike. Last and kind of least, that District 9 dude was confused. If I were him, I would be confused, too. One day, you're a bug person jonesing for some delicious cat food. The next day, Gene Okerlund is dissing you.

Wrestling fans with a working, long-term memory might argue that WWE has done a Viewer's Choice Night before. I would not disagree with you, but aren't you glad we can relive the good times for free? Like that Motown song says about birds and bees on welfare, the best things in life are definitely free. To get an opportunity to vote for matches and match stipulations that have minimal to no impact on a storyline, feud, or character is the greatest freebie no money can buy.

For me, Viewer's Choice Nights belong on Mondays. I believe WWE put an end to the original Taboo Tuesday and Cyber Sunday because they were too good for those Pay-Per-View days. People were willing to pay millions of dollars to watch them, only for WWE to say, "Hey, we don't want your money. We don't know where that money has been." Plus, the Tuesday Alliance Against Discrimination was mad that WWE portrayed Tuesday as a special needs weekday. You see, Tuesday is not like the other days. His helper Wednesday assists Tuesday whenever it needs to go to the bathroom. Wednesday encourages Tuesday to learn about social dos and don'ts with flashcards.

In anticipation for the next Viewer's Choice Night, I have prepared several voting ideas. While WWE has not scheduled another three-hour voting special, I am willing to do the grunt work for them. From last week's RAW forward, every Monday should be left to the voters. They vote presidents to office and American Idol contestants to superstardom. Therefore, they should be more than able to be improve WWE programming.

How will John Cena return from the NXT assault?
(WWE viewers pick entrance)
Choices:
- Rolling down the ramp in a wheelchair
- Walking with a limp
- Sprinting to the ring without showing any ill effects
- Pulling a train through deep space

Following an impromptu invasion by the NXT Season 1 Rookies, John Cena was left a
battered and bruised mess. Due to his exit on a stretcher, one might think that Cena would be unable to make an appearance on the next Monday Night RAW. As for me, I have complete faith that he will return, but under condition will we see “The Champ”? Going through spotlights couldn't hurt him. Going through tables was a slight annoyance. Vehicular homicide attempts made him itchy rather than dead. Has NXT finally put out Cena for good?

How will Justin Roberts look after tie strangulation?
(WWE viewers pick facial expression)
Choices:
- Exhausted
- Furious
- Elated
- Like an inconvenienced Popeye with shampoo in his eyes

RAW Announcer Justin Roberts — the fresh-faced voice of Monday nights — suffered a similar fate to that of John Cena. With NXT Rookies destroying wrestlers, officials, and equipment alike, he got caught in the crossfire as victim of the dreaded Windsor Knot Choke. For years, wrestlers have tried to find a way to use formal wear against ring announcers. In 2010, nobody with microphone in hand and tie on neck is safe from such NXT Rookies as the forever-employed Daniel Bryan. Those who prefer bow ties shall feel the wrath next. Unfortunate gentlemen who enjoy wearing dickeys should go into hiding before it is too late.

What has become of Justin Roberts? The tie is in your hands.

What will Matt Hardy do with Drew McIntyre's hair?
(WWE viewers pick use)
Choices:
- Keep it in a sealed container (Years from now, future scientists will open the container, use the hair to make a Drew McInytre clone, and question the life decisions they made to get to this point.)
- Add them to his own hair
- Take a few strands from Tiffany's head, then play with both in his Hair Dream House
- Follow the hairs' verified Twitter account

Matthew Hardy's obsession with "The Chosen One" Drew McIntyre has consumed him. Ever since his indefinite suspension from SmackDown, Matt has desperately sought means for retribution. On the Viewer's Choice edition of RAW, he put a revenge plan into motion, ripping luxurious strands of hair from McIntyre's head. In my country, taking hairs from someone's head is the ultimate form of payback besides actually getting payback. Has Matt's plan come together, or is this only the beginning?

What will Edge use next to aggravate Randy Orton's shoulder injury? (WWE viewers pick person, place, or thing)
Choices:
- Uncomfortable shoulder massage with sensual undertones
- Open a door on it
- Shut a window on it
- Invite Randy Orton's shoulder to a dinner party with healthy and wealthy shoulders to make it feel inadequate

The R-Rated Superstar's recent attacks on Randy Orton suggest that Edge is not fooling around this time. His own storied history of injury woes has frustrated him to the point that he is taking it out on other people's injuries. Dear shoulders; hide your wives and injuries from Edge for he has his eyes on you. He will sleep with your significant other, suffer a freak injury, and cap the night off by temporarily holding you down with a shoulder pad. Clearly, Edge is not done tormenting Orton's shoulder. Wherever Orton's shoulder goes, Edge will be right behind him.

What is his next move? The choice is yours.

What is causing Jerry Lawler's computer problems?
(WWE viewers pick reason)
Choices:
- Computer is new
- Computer is an older model
- WWE refuses to shell out money for a decent WiFi connection
- Facial recognition software does not detect a real face

In the midst of showing viewers the ease of voting online, Jerry "The King" Lawler proved that the process was not easy at all. Being a man of tussling nobility, I do not expect Lawler to be a tech-savvy king, but I do expect him to have some semblance of control over his personal computer. Past instances of computer problems lead me to believe that something has gone awry in the relationship between royal man and machine. If Jerry Lawler is not at fault, what is the computer’s problem with Lawler?

Who will Quinton "Rampage" Jackson face in his first professional wrestling match?
(WWE viewers pick opponent)
Choices:
- Ted DiBiase
- Irwin R. Shyster
- Virgil
- A stronger pair of handcuffs made of materials other than paper or air

This summer, Quinton Jackson plays B.A. Baracus, combining the powers of having a bad attitude and being an abacus whittled out of a barracuda. Mixed-martial arts fans know him as a former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion, but Jackson has expressed an interest to take part in the world of professional wrestling. Can he translate his powerful fighting style to a wrestling ring? No, you silly goose. Light heavyweights aren't heavyweights. The Great Khali would kill him based on size alone.

Nevertheless, who will be his first opponent? You can vote here. It’s not a handicapped zone.

Who will be Tamina and The Usos biggest rivals?
(WWE viewers pick enemies)
Choices:
- The Hart Dynasty
- Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov
- John Morrison & R-Truth
- Slippery top turnbuckles

The Usos are the twin sons of Rikishi. Tamina is the daughter of Jimmy Snuka. Together, they are the Samoan Smart Team, bent on showing viewers that they are not your average Samoans. Unlike their stereotypical ancestors, they are not savage islanders or thonged dancers with gigantic posteriors. They wear modern clothes. One of them is sometimes seen in a sweater vest, also known as the intimidator's garb. For the most part, they are not in sync with one another’s movements.

They will have their day in the spotlight. One of them will leap into it several seconds before the other two, but I digress. Could another team beat them to the punch?

What move will the general public best recognize in a match between Chris Jericho & The Big Show?
(WWE viewers pick maneuver)
Choices:
- Body slam
- Body slam
- Body slam
- That fake WWF stuff with Hulk Hogan, no doubt

Currently, the public's interest in professional wrestling is at a definite low point. Close-minded analysts who are not me predict that no current star or angle can bring wrestling back into the mainstream. In my view, WWE is closer than ever before. With Jericho set to host a game show on ABC (Downfall) and The Big Show about to appear in the first comedy by WWE Films (Knucklehead), mainstream audiences will be paying attention. Despite wrestling's poor reputation with the general public, they are educated viewers who want to love wrestling; they just don't know it yet.

One recognizable move can reel them into the entertainment sport. Which one will it be? Your vote counts.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 92nd

2010-06-07T00:49:00.000-07:00

Randy Orton vs. Jayson Werth

I hear people say that I look like Edge
They're adamant
They call me Adam
They want to see some spears

They see me in left or right field
I often play in center field
But when the people think that I'm Edge
They start questioning my field
They say, "Why are you playing baseball?"
"Shouldn't you be pro wrestling?"
"Why do you look so much like Edge?"
"Can I touch your World Series ring?

I hear wrestling fans saying
What baseball fans aren't saying
They're not familiar with Edgeheads
Perhaps Edge looks like me instead

I hear people say that I look like Edge
They're adamant
They call me Adam
They want to see some spears, they want to see some spears
They tell me this when I'm up to bat
They ask about Lita while I make a catch
They want to see some spears, they want to see some spears

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Ashton Kutcher will be here live... on tape... in another place... last week.

AND

Please, I know it's hard to believe to see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees.

Next NXT

2010-06-07T00:43:00.000-07:00

After months of mentoring, wrestling mentors, voting, drinking soda, and having deep discussions about flowers, World Wrestling Entertainment has found their next superstar. In Wade Barrett, WWE finally has a sports entertainer who doesn't like to correctly wear suit jackets. You might say that Wade was lucky to be a part of NXT, but I say that NXT was lucky to be a part of Wade Barrett's life. Polls don't lie. Forget about Daniel Bryan and Michael Cole's increasing sexual tension. Without a doubt, Wade Barrett will be number one in our hearts and minds for a long time to come.

As one tremendous season of NXT ends, a second one is about to emerge from a cocoon, turn into a butterfly, and appear on SyFy. This time around, eight up-and-comers will vie for a chance to become the next Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel, or David Otunga. In order to be David Otunga, many of these NXT Rookies will have to marry Jennifer Hudson. With only so many Jennifer Hudsons available, look for this season to be full of great suspense and drama. Rookies will win, while others will lose. They might have to carry two kegs. I can't wait.

This season's NXT Pro lineup is a roll call of WWE's best and brightest. Co-Women's Champions Michelle McCool and Layla are ready to teach their rookie how to be flawless in a simplistic way. Current Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston will show his rookie how to embrace, then disown Jamaica. In addition, Montel Vontavious Porter gets to do something without William Regal borgarting his man. Skip Sheffield would have won if he had MVP's inflatable tunnel. Regal ruined it. He ruined it all.

The second season of WWE NXT will debut on June 8, but you might as well get your party supplies out now. In advance, I have prepared eight piñatas, modeled after the eight NXT Rookies. Even though I did not know what these rookies look liked when making the piñatas, I think I'll be okay. All eight NXT Rookies look like rainbow-coloured donkeys, right? If so, I'm golden. Thank heavens.

Husky Harris and Cody Rhodes
In his hype video, Husky Harris describes himself as a third-generation superstar. His grandfather is Blackjack Mulligan and his father is Mike Rotunda, also known as "The I.R.S. Man." He claims that he has been waiting for someone to let him off the leash and let him go. I don't know who this "someone" is, but I urge him or her to let him off the leash and let him go already. Not only did he have to change his last name to get onto WWE television, but he had to change his first name to an adjective that sensitively describes a fat person. Hasn't "The Husky Harris Man" suffered enough, someone?

Due to his lineage and pairing with second-generation superstar Cody Rhodes, I expect husky things from Husky Harris. Let's hope Cody's time with Hardcore Holly taught him how to treat potential superstars with dignity and respect. Do you remember that time Hardcore Holly showed up on Tough Enough, wrestled with Matt Cappotelli, and bought him ice cream? On second thought, let's hope Cody Rhodes learned nothing from Hardcore Holly.

Odds of Winning: 20:1

Eli Cottonwood and John Morrison
NXT Pro John Morrison describes Eli Cottonwood as a “giant redwood tree.” For those of you who don't understand this comparison, Eli Cottonwood is a giant redwood tree in that he is taller than the other trees in the forest. Furthermore, he is able to sexually and asexually reproduce. As Eli's mentor, Morrison believes that he can teach him how to burn the entire forest down to the ground. While Morrison has good intentions, he shouldn't promote forest fires. Smokey the Bear might be a member of the WWE Universe. I would contact him to make sure, but I don't believe in bears taking up work as forest rangers. They are already bears. They have too much on their plate.

Cottonwood claims that he wants to win NXT and "inflict pain and carnage" amongst all the people who step in his path. Standing over seven feet tall and weighing over three hundred pounds will help him achieve both of his goals, but what about his secret, third goal? Does Eli want to produce lumber for the sturdy construction of buildings or not? He can't achieve all three goals. He must set his priorities straight.

Odds of Winning: 2:1

Percy Watson and Montel Vontavious Porter
First of all, Montel Vontavious Porter wants Percy Watson to understand that being a WWE Superstar takes hard work, dedication, and sacrifice. Montel's mentor — Sherri Sheperd from The View — was the one who first taught him this important lesson. Also, she showed him that you don't have time to know if the earth is flat or round when you've got kids to feed. If Percy Watson wants to be as successful as Montel and Sherri, he must put an end to his partying ways. When you're a WWE Superstar, you shouldn’t party as you will be too busy training and wrestling on a flat planet. Lose focus for one second and you might fall off the edge.

According to Percy, he is a "Sexy Star Stud Stallionaire." For now, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. That's four things he claims to be. I'll need to conduct a background check to determine if he's telling the truth. I'll especially need to look into the stallionaire part. I haven't been to his home in South Beach, but I doubt his place has room to house millions of stallions. Perhaps he could put a few thousand in his pool or under a cushion. Nevertheless, this guy seems charismatic, yet shady.

Odds of Winning: 8:1

Titus O'Neil and Zack Ryder
Apparently, Zack Ryder is planning to teach his NXT Rookie how to dress, get girls, and get "Zacked." Although Titus should look forward to learning the first two lessons, he could do without the third lesson. Zack Ryder taught me how to get "Zacked" before. The overall procedure and results were underwhelming at best. Zacking mostly involves cutting one of your pant legs, then cutting communication with your former brother Curt Hawkins. I have no problem with my former brother Curt Hawkins. After cutting communication with him, he snuck into my house and sewed the pant leg back onto my pants while I slept. He's good people.

Stone-faced powerhouse Titus O'Neil hopes that "a lot of his movements" will put him in a position to win. I assume that he is looking to move himself into the winning position by standing there. If not, I don't understand what these movements are. Titus insists that this process will be difficult and challenging, which leads me to believe that NXT has turned into a calculus course or "The Eliminator" — the final obstacle course on American Gladiators.

Odds of Winning: 4:1

Kaval and Lay-Cool
Michelle McCool and Layla are the first-ever, female, NXT Pros, proving to young and impressionable girls everywhere that it takes two women to do one man's job. Since Kaval gets to learn the ropes from two professionals, I expect twice as much out of him. He can't be one of those low-key wrestlers who are content to fly under the radar. With Lay-Cool by his side, I suggest that Kaval emerge as NXT's fighting, Japanese warrior. I know TNA had one of those guys, but I forgot his name. Oh, wait. I remember now. That guy was Cute Kip. Kaval must become a Billy-Gunn-esque warrior.

Brooklyn's own does not care how big or tough his opponents may be for he will fight tooth and nail until the very end. I am in favour of undersized individuals taking on tooth decay and tetanus, but Kaval is a wrestler. He should use his experience to help him win NXT, not serve as the world's dentist or doctor. Let tooth decay and tetanus sufferers figure out a solution on their own. They should have flossed more, or watched where they were stepping. That's their fault.

Odds of Winning: 40:1

Lucky Cannon and Mark Henry
Mark Henry thinks that Lucky Cannon believes himself to be lucky. With a name like Lucky Cannon, he better think he is lucky. Otherwise, he would probably think he was a cannon and try to involve himself in an old-timey war of some sort. On top of being lucky, Mark Henry thinks that Cannon is lucky to have him as a mentor. In conclusion, Mark's thoughts have a gigantic ego. Mark Henry's thoughts should cool it with the ego stroking.

Due to a few close calls in his life, Cannon's family and friends named him Lucky. Actually, I don't think that makes him lucky at all. After years of being Jason (his placeholder name), Cannon's family and friends had to get together and have a lengthy discussion about what his actual name would be. Normal names such as Jeff, Joe, and Horseshoe Face were thrown around before they settled on Lucky.

In Lucky's hype video, he admits that he has a never-say-die attitude that prevents him from stopping. Having a predisposed lack of mental and physical control seems unfortunate rather than lucky.

Odds of Winning: 30:1

Michael McGillicutty and Kofi Kingston
Obviously, Michael McGillicutty is the son of WWE Hall of Famer Mr. McGillicutty. Unlike Mr. Perfect, Mr. McGillicutty was not perfect at everything. He couldn't play golf or basketball, but he did know how to cook an egg really well without breaking the yolk.

Kofi Kingston thinks that Michael is going to make his own mark, though neglects to explain why. Kofi just has that feeling about him. As for me, I don't believe anything Kofi says anymore. I bet he's not even from Ghana either. When WWE asked him where he was actually from, he took a globe, spun it, and put his finger on a random country. I hear them shouting, I hear them lying.

In one word, Michael McGillicutty's in-ring style is ruthless. In two words, Michael McGillicutty's in-ring style is ruthless and aggressive. In three words, Michael McGillicutty has Jamie Noble Hair. He wants you to call him wrestling royalty. Mr. McGillicutty knew how to cook eggs and was the reigning king of professional wrestling? I have to sit down for a minute. Michael's life is The Princess Diaries.

Odds of Winning: 3:1

Alex Riley and The Miz
Michael Cole and I are glad that The Miz has agreed to be a Pro on the second season of NXT. As for The Miz, he is glad to not be paired up with an arrogant, egotistical loser like Daniel Bryan. This June, The Miz will be paired up with an arrogant, egotistical loser like "The Talent Of" Alex Riley. "The Talent Of" is my favourite wrestling nickname of the 21st Century. The talent of what exactly? Before you answer, stop right there. Whatever it is, it sounds talented.

From the sight of his sleeveless letterman's jacket, Alex Riley appears to be a pompous frat boy who sold his sleeves to buy a servant monkey that doesn't exist. Alex is lobbying to change the show's name from NXT to Alex Riley and the Seven Dorks. I highly anticipate the debut of Alex Riley and the Seven Dorks. Any show that perpetuates the idea that Alex Riley is the leader of dorks is a good and accurate one.

Odds of Winning: 10:1

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 91st

2010-05-31T00:39:00.000-07:00

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Jack Swagger (c) vs. King Hippo

Hey look, it's the king of all the hippos
Just act casual even though you've never seen a king of hippos before
Yeah, it's the king of all the hippos
Come on — they don't show The Biggest Loser on Hippo Island

Get ready to fight him
'Cause you'll never know
If punch him hard enough in the navel
To canvas, he'll go
It's the king of all the hippos

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

CM Punk's hair grew back pretty fast. It looks like a mask.

AND

I'll see you in another life, brother.

Blood!

2010-05-31T00:24:00.000-07:00

As far as I know, I am a human. When you cut me, I bleed. More often than not, I bleed blood. Because you can read this sentence, I am going to assume that you are a human as well. You bleed like any other bleeding individual. In my dangerous line of work (professional wrestling analysis), blood is a common sight for me. If you are not bleeding, you are not analyzing. With that said, that does not mean I want to see blood in wrestling. Thankfully, WWE's no-blood policy has and will continue to put a stop to the bloody madness.

You see, children are fragile creatures. They must be taught the rights of life before they embrace the wrongs. As a child, I witnessed wrestlers bleed for dramatic effect, only for those images to tarnish my innocent mind. Once I entered elementary school, all I knew about life came from watching violent wrestling on television. Every time I met someone new, I greeted them by bashing him or her in the face with a steel chair. When they bled, I deemed them worthy enough to become my friend. If hardcore wrestling fans have their way, our children and our children's children will be running around, hitting each other with chairs and the chairs of their children's children. Do you want that? Do you want multi-generational chair greetings, occasionally involving time travel to acquire chairs from the past, present, and future? I sincerely hope not.

Of course, prohibiting blood from WWE programming cannot entirely stop the bleeding. As long as wrestlers have blood, they will have the ability to bleed. However, at least a wrestling promotion has the guts to do what any respected company should do — raise and protect children that are not theirs. If your children are watching WWE, they are living under WWE's roof and must abide by their rules. They can only watch television on Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays, and some Sundays. They must buy every piece of merchandise featuring their favourite wrestler. Last but not least, they must believe that the majority of people bleed candy.

I urge hardcore wrestling fans to realize that times have changed. Their brand of violence is dead. Parental guidance is goodness. The general public thinks blood is icky and gross; I tend to agree. If they don't need blood, you and I can live healthy lives without blood, too. Thirty minutes ago, I drained my entire body of blood and I feel perfectly jumping spaceship monkey wheelbarrow.

Fun Facts About Blood:
- Blood is a red fluid that sends oxygen and nutrients throughout your body. Apparently, your body is too cheap to hire a professional to do it for you. In other words, blood makes you lazy.
- The sight of an action hero's blood gives him a second wind in climatic fights against insecure, foreign antagonists who did nothing wrong.
- The average man has approximately 5.6 litres in his body. The average, American-made man has 0.8 litres of blood in his body and 4.8 litres of mysterious blue and white liquids. The average lifespan of an average, American-made man is a patriotic yet brief two minutes.
- The average woman has about 4.5 litres in her body. According to Michael Cole's blood, a WWE Diva's blood is sexy, smart, and powerful.
- Bonus fact: Michael Cole’s blood can talk. "Good grief," says Jerry Lawler's blood.
- "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair's blood has bled skin in 99% of his wrestling matches.

Not So Fun Facts About Blood:
- If you are a Southern belle like many WWE Superstars, the sight of blood will make you fan yourself with a lace fan. Next, you will gingerly collapse onto the ground and say, "Oh, the vapours."
- At an early age, watching wrestlers bleed is the leading cause of bleeding children. Accidents on the playground or in the household are not responsible.
- Time is faster than blood at healing wounds. Time is already money. In conclusion, time is a greedy bastard.
- If an adult's blood vessels were laid end to end, that wouldn't be convenient at all.
- The act of “blading” involves cutting oneself to draw blood out of the body. This practice inspired the modern art of "rollerblading,” which involves punishing oneself with repeated viewings of the 2002 remake of Rollerball. Shane "Here Comes The Rollerball" McMahon and Paul "Rollerjam Man" Heyman give ~~excellent~~ performances.

Advantages of Blood in Wrestling:
- Continual support of voluntary bloodletting in professional wrestling matches supports the struggling, razor blade black market.
- Bloody wrestlers inspire children at home to cover their faces in their own blood, taking money right out of the pockets of crimson mask manufacturers.
- The appearance of blood in a WWE-sanctioned match causes a referee stoppage, giving fans a break from the constant, fast-paced wrestling action. Can they momentarily close up that guy's wound with glue? I’m not sure. I'm too busy taking a breather. I tried to breath during those Burn Notice promos, but only characters were welcome there. They said nothing about breathers.
- Wrestling rings have proven to contain super-absorbent polymers that can soak up and trap any amount of blood. This discovery has created a new market for lady's wrestling rings. If you're flowing, get your personal ring crew to put a lady's wrestling ring on it.
- If you are a psychotic, lesbian stalker looking to improve your kissing techniques with your unconscious idol, bleeding from the nose can be quite beneficial to your cause.

Disadvantages of Blood in Wrestling:
- Minimal to zero appearances by Doctor With Gloves. Wrestling's Doctor With Gloves is a dynamic, thought-provoking character who makes you wonder why your family doctor rarely wears gloves when performing check-ups on you.
- Soon enough, First Blood Matches will become frequent as World Wrestling Entertainment begins to appeal to an untapped yet dangerous demographic — vampires with their vampire parents' money.
- Chalices filled with blood distract vampire clan leaders from extinguishing rings of fire. Usually, they just step over them while grinning in an evil manner. Vampire clan leaders with puffy white shirts have been the number one cause of entrance ramp fires since 1999. Gothic lackeys in pleather are the number two cause of entrance ramp fires, followed by large bald guys who used to wear cool masks.
- Bleeding from the mouth makes undead zombie things think twice about sticking out their tongues, thereby lowering their self-esteem. The last thing an undead zombie thing needs is self-doubt.
- Blood is often symbolic of a wrestler's personal sacrifice in the ring, similar to music made by a kneeling Scott Stapp.

Famous Moments in Wrestling Which Involve No Blood Whatsoever:
- At WrestleMania 13, a submission match between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Bret "The Hitman Hart" came to a dramatic finish. As Hart locked Austin in his patented Sharpshooter, a new megastar was born. A Clamato-drenched Stone Cold refused to submit before losing consciousness. Wrestling historians believe that the robust combination of clam and tomato increased Austin's threshold for pain.
- Arguably, WrestleMania XIX's most iconic image was a lead-pipe-wielding Vince McMahon — covered in strawberry syrup after violently devouring an ice cream sundae — peering over the ring apron. Unlike his spoon-wielding opponent (Hulk Hogan), Vince McMahon had to eat his sundae with a lead pipe. The act of eating his sundae with a lead pipe exhausted the WWE Chairman, leading to his eventual defeat.
- In an infamous promo on Monday Night RAW, Ric Flair boasted to Randy Orton that he could make virgins read. Good for Ric Flair, getting young ladies interested in literature. Devirginized people will never appreciate Nicholas Sparks like these girls do.
- During a 2002 Hell in a Cell Match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker, Lesnar nailed his opponent in the face with a set of ring steps. The impact did not open up The Undertaker to the point where he bled into Lesnar's mouth, but did result in the Deadman turning black and white while profusely sweating cherry Gatorade. With his thirst quenched, Brock took the win and the title. Atop the hellish cell, Lesnar celebrated his victory by smearing the drink all over his chest.
- The first Hell in a Cell Match featured Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker. This match occurred at one of my favourite Pay-Per-View events in WWE history — Badd Ketchupp.

Appropriate Wrestling in Inappropriate Places: Daniel in Dagobah

2010-05-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

Train Batista must.

*****

NEXT WEEK

Carltio is gone. Roam free, apples. Roam free through the fruitful orchards.

AND

Oh, I made you some hamburgers — they're down at the hamburger place. All you have to do is go there, order them, and pay for them.

The Audible: Mickie James' "Strangers & Angels"

2010-05-24T00:27:00.000-07:00

Despite her recent release from WWE, the legend of internet darling Mickie James will go on forever, much like Kate Winslet's heart in Titanic. Following Mickie's stint in World Wrestling Entertainment has been a pleasure. Her evolution from a psychotic fangirl with homosexual tendencies to a lady who smiles and jumps around a lot in the same clothes four weeks in a row was a highlight of modern-day, wrestling television. Surely, her sudden departure has left a gaping hole in the WWE Divas' division for years to come.

After all these years, you would think that the bond between Mickie and wrestling was everlasting, but things change. People change. One day, you're winning championships, making a ton of money, and seeing the world. The next day, you're wearing wings while a blurry guy watches you from afar on your first country album cover. For those of you diehard Mickie James who need their fix, let "Strangers & Angels" soothe your soul. Are you a stranger, or an angel? Can't you be both, or are you neither? Who are you anyway? Think about it.

On this edition of The Audible, I shall give Mickie James' "Strangers & Angels" the most critical of critiques. I must admit that I am not the biggest country fan, but I live in a country and have drank its time lemonade. I know what I'm doing. Don't bother reading Rolling Stone or Pitchfork because they're not going to be honest with you. I have been reviewing wrestling-related music for a while now. If you can't trust me, you might as well not trust anyone.

I want "Strangers & Angels" to be the Space Jam Soundtrack of our time — a brilliant masterpiece from start to finish that encourages youngsters to model themselves after Michael Jordan. You might think that I have high expectations for this album, but I think you have low expectations. I know "Strangers & Angels" will make children want to be like Mike. I just feel it. If this music makes them want to be like Scottie Pippen, I'm so out of here.

Track 1: Are You With Me?
I drive a Chevrolet pickup truck
American made, that's how I was raised up
I like the boys with the Southern drawl
Lord knows it's sexy when they say, "Hey y'all"
As a fan of country music, have you ever thought to yourself, Man, that Gretchen Wilson is proud to be a redneck, but what would a less popular, cookie-cutter imitation have to say? With "Are You With Me," Mickie James has arrived to field that question. Unlike her predecessors, Mickie James is a country girl who enjoys partying in an American fashion.

Her hobbies include not involving herself in politics, looking at cornbread on a plate without eating it, and the fine and illegal art of "stop sign bullet hole." If you're not with her, she doesn't exactly have a solution for you. On her behalf, I must apologize. She's too busy having fun only one day a week and speeding her Chevrolet pickup truck down to nowhere in particular. Also, doesn't mind being American. Yeah, yeah, yeah-ah-ah. It’s a party in A-mer-i-ca.

Sounds Like: A police officer giving a speeding ticket to a stranger.

Track 2: Hollywood Movie Moment
I left the diamond ring on the table
Threw dinner on the floor
Packed up everything I was able
I don't need this no more
In this song, Mickie James' love for seeing cornbread on a plate without eating it has been lost. Ken Doane (her former fiancé) did something adulterous a long time ago. His wrongdoing forced Mickie to give back her engagement ring and beloved, engagement cornbread. Ken Doane had some explaining to do, but he blamed his cheating ways on his headband. For Mickie, the moral of this story is to never plan to marry a man who wears a security headband to get through the day. If you believe otherwise, prepare to lose some precious engagement cornbread to your kitchen floor.

Apparently, Mickie's break-up with Kenny makes a suitable Hollywood movie moment, comparable to Marilyn Monroe's break-up with Joe DiMaggio. Mickie is so confident in her claim that she thinks she could have sold tickets to the show. I don't know about you, but if I paid twenty bucks plus refreshments to see a woman angrily and poorly drive away from a pile of Ken Doane’s burning clothes, I wouldn’t be happy. I would most likely ask for a refund or voucher for a future screening of Khaluber.

Sounds Like: An angel is wasting perfectly good cornbread.

Track 3: I Call The Fight
I just can't get used to living in this ring
Round after round with no referee
And I'm tired of having no one in my corner
Blood, sweat, and tears are falling and no one to wipe me down
Right at the start, I am giving this song bonus points for the inclusion of a mandolin. Although Mickie James might know how to play a mandolin, I am more inclined to believe that she kidnapped one of the Dixie Chicks. Once she untied her from the chair, Mickie made her play mandolin for this decent yet unremarkable song. If the Dixie Chick refused to play on the track, Mickie would threaten her by vigorously complimenting George W. Bush.

In "I Call The Fight," Mickie looks at her strained relationship with you as a boxing match. During this bout, punches are thrown. Each side gets knocked down by the other. People get sweaty and bloody, depending on the time of the month. Floyd Mayweather, Jr. is holding out for more money. In my opinion, the biggest problem with this relationship is that it is sanctioned by the Nevada Boxing Commission. They've got their own issues.

Sounds Like: A stranger taking an angel to the 12th round.

Track 4: Freedom Song
I got a fast car, bass cranked up
I got green lights up and down the boulevard
I got a fast car and I know how to drive it
I highly recommend this song to country music fans who are looking for a metaphysical listening experience. Wait, who I am kidding? Country music fans are always looking for a metaphysical listening experience. Silly me. Mickie James' "Freedom Song" consists of her singing a song about driving along to a "Freedom Song" in her car. In other words, Mickie is singing about the song she is singing about in the song. You don't see me right now, but I am a baboon. I am holding up a baby lion cub on a cliff while celebrating the life of his father and deceased grandfather. Elton John is backing me up. The circle is complete.

During the second verse, Mickie James insists that she has a leather skirt and knows how to use it. Mickie is a grown woman. At the very least, I hope she knows how to use a leather skirt. If she needs to tell me this fact through song, I am worried for her well-being. I knew a girl in high school who had a leather skirt. To my dismay, she used her skirt to farm Sockeye salmon. While was mildly successful, I think she lucked out. She would have made millions if she actually used some sort of net enclosure.

Sounds Like: An angel whose knowledge about leather skirts has come into question.

Track 5: Strangers & Angels
What if these strangers are telling me something?
Oh, I've got to slow up, I'm always in a rush
What if these strangers are really my lessons?
In a little while heaven's gonna be enough
Baby, I should be thankful 'cause I'm being so ungrateful
For all of these strangers
What if they're angels?
This touching piano ballad chronicles Mickie James' everyday adventures, which are halted by the strangers in her life. She encounters a man who is taking up her time, asking her for exactly ten cents. At this moment, I empathize with her. Whenever poor people ask me for a specific amount change, they become such a hassle. I put my money towards singing a song about them instead. Next, Mickie wonders why a girl is holding up the line, causing her to be late for her podiatrist appointment. Suddenly, Mickie wonders if these strangers are helping her, rather than hurting her. In the span of one minute, she has a change of heart. These people are angels.

This song in itself is a worthwhile life lesson. The next time a man comes up to you asking for ten cents, thank him for interfering in your daily activities, then walk away. If a woman is holding up the line, offer to help by asking what's wrong, then cut in front of her. Sometimes, strangers can be angels in disguise. Other times, they are selfish, inconsiderate jerk faces.

Sounds Like: An angel is taking the last shopping cart in the store. What a douche.

Track 6: Make Me Feel Like A Woman
Now don't you hold back nothing
Leave me more than satisfied
Make me feel like a woman
I'll show you what a real woman feels like
Hold one end of the tin can phone for a second. When I agreed to listen to this song, I didn't agree to do anything more. I'm reviewing this music and nothing else, yet Mickie James wants me to make her feel like a woman. To be honest, I'm not sure I know her well enough to do that for her. What kinds of food condiments does she like and dislike? I’m scared. If I have to compromise my morals and tire myself out for the sole purpose of feeling her, what I will I have to do once I feel her? This predicament is a slippery slope in more ways than one.

Based on shampoo and tampon commercials, normal women like to frolic in their underwear and splash blue urine on absorbable objects. Almost every woman I have met in my life has enjoyed partaking in similar activities. As for Mickie James, she wants to use me as her personal lovemaking robot. I am not a light switch that she can turn on and off whenever she feels like it. I am a faucet with faulty knobs. I often leak. Leave me alone, Mickie. I'm suing this song for sexual harassment.

Sounds Like: A stranger wants to violate my angelic areas.

Track 7: Fallin' Over Again
I'm fallin' all over again for you
And baby don't you know the truth is
I’m hoping your heart will catch fire when I do
When I do
'Cause I'm fallin' all over again for you
Thanks to "Fallin' Over Again," I won't have to look at myself in the mirror in shame, my body used and abused for the earthly pleasures of another. Mickie has found love again. Run through the streets and ring the church bells, everybody. She is willing to take back Ken Doane and let Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, and Mikey return to their guest room. Finally, I can take off my chastity belt and my backup chastity belt. You can never be too careful. I heard bears are attracted to unprotected crotches.

Backed by that dependable Southern twang, Mickie James says that she counts Ken Doanes in her sleep, not sheep. Because I am aware of only one Ken Doane on this planet, I disagree with her methods. Mickie must be the easier sleeper ever. If I were her, I would count sheep ten out of ten times. Twenty of my acquaintances are sheep, though most think of themselves as close friends. Yeah, right. They’re not coming to my birthday party. They’ll just eat my cake and leave.

Sounds Like: An angel has knit a headband for her stranger.

Track 8: When You Come Home Tonight
We won't need candles, we won't need words
Forget about dinner, just let it burn
I'm gonna be a little busy taking my time
Whatever you want, baby, I'll let you decide
Listening to the second part of this album, I am beginning to notice a theme. Country music is about love lost and gained, but Mickie James is looking to get in on that good stuff. Her version of loving seems to involve two things: ruining food and letting one person take complete sexual advantage of another. Strangely enough, I sensed that the WWE Originals album had the same theme (especially Kurt Angle's "I Don't Suck" and Rey Mysterio's "Crossing Borders"), though this song drives the message home in four minutes.

During the chorus, Mickie tells her lover that will she barely let him get through the door before getting it on with him. To me, that statement makes Mickie sound like a hypocrite. In one song, she expresses her dislike for people who hold her up in life, yet she is one that is holding up her lover in "When You Come Home Tonight"? Then again, is that the point of the song altogether? Perhaps Mickie is the stranger who turns out to be a kind, friendly, and sex-starved angel. This album kind of somehow makes a little bit of sense now. Regardless, she should stop wasting food.

Sounds Like: A stranger-turned angel, hall-thrusting someone to the bedroom.

Track 9: I'm No Good At Pretending
You just make one more mistake
And it won't be your heart that breaks
Never in my life have I been this verbally and physically threatened until I listened to “Strangers & Angels.” Mickie's "I'm No Good At Pretending" carries on the feel-good pattern of a songstress demanding something from somebody, then attacking that person whether he gives it to her the right or wrong way. I fear for the lives of her past, present, and future lovers. Run away while you can because she has more than one album in her. In two years, she might be good at pretending. What will you do then?

I should have known that Mickie James was insane, but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. Now that the angel has shown her strange face, the world of wrestling and music will never be the same. The Mickie James Country Music Jamboree has begun and we are all invited to the fun and fatal festivities. I should have told someone. I should have told everyone, but who would have believed me? For the sake of all that is holy, she put on her hand on Trish Stratus' feminine junk, then licked her fingers. It's too late to apologize. We need to go back, but we can’t.

Sounds Like: An angel giving a stranger the taste of the back of her hand.

Track 10: Don't Apologize
Baby, tell me how this love got so tough
Can't you believe that my all was enough?
My heart is broken and my face is in my hands
So many unspoken words I'll never understand
Mickie James is a piece of work. After abusing the majority of the male population and I throughout this album, Mickie says that we shouldn't bother apologize for our behaviour. You see, this gradual break-up has brought her to tears. Somehow, we are equally responsible for the end of the relationship, yet all we did was sit back and let her ruin our shelter, food, and clothing. She did the opposite of what the Oregon Trail computer game taught us to do, leaving our relationship to die of dysentery.

Even though her sentiments seem genuine, she has proven in the past to be a indecisive and manipulative woman. I wouldn't be shocked if she took us back, set our homes on fire, and locked us inside, creating charred graves of lies and broken promises. This "Strangers & Angels" business needs to stop. As we approach the last track of the album, I beg of her to conclude this musical travesty on a positive, non-threatening note.

Sounds Like: A stranger's death will become the next unsolved mystery.

Track 11: Dumb Bitch
You're a dumb bitch
You must think that I am like a smart bitch
When you step across that line
'Cause this bitch is gonna cut you down to size
Teach you not to mess with what's mine
You dumb bitch
Well, that was unexpected. On the final track of "Strangers & Angels," Mickie James addresses a certain wife of a current and popular WWE Champion. Mickie claims that his wife should not have messed with her, partly due to the fact that she is an intelligent bitch. That argument sounds valid. As for this current and popular WWE Champion, I suggest he stop associating himself with any type of bitch. That way, he wouldn't have these problems. He has 99 Problems and the bitch is the 1st to 99th problem.

Upon a third, fourth, and fifth listen to this song, I do not encourage young females to purchase this album. If you look up to Mickie James, I urge you to find another role model. By listening to this kind of music, you're going to grow up and sing about another woman's slutty shenanigans. Although "Slutty Shenanigans" is the perfect name for a Irish punk band, do not give Irish punk bands any of your good ideas. You're going to make things worse for you, that other woman, and that Irish punk band.

Sounds Like: A bitch.

The Verdict: **1/2
This album will change the way you think about bitches.

Appropriate Wrestling in Inappropriate Places: You Can't Senior Year

2010-05-17T00:25:00.000-07:00

The champ is discovering his love for singing and dancing with teenagers.

*****

NEXT WEEK

Jack Swagger has "The Swaggie," but you know what? My real last name is Sandwich.

AND

We hear your engines roaring deep and loud as we work the mules on this bludgeoned ground.

The Million Dollar Son

2010-05-17T00:09:00.000-07:00

Ted DiBiase's abrupt transformation into the next incarnation of "The Million Dollar Man" is rather exciting. In professional wrestling, I look forward to two things and two things only. First of all, I enjoy compelling storylines that lead to fast-paced, dramatic, and decisive matches. Secondly, I love it when trust funds kick in after WrestleMania. An average fan decorates his room in wrestling memorabilia. As a professional wrestling analyst, my entire palace is covered in iconic photos depicting trust funds kicking in after WrestleMania.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm enthralled by this particular aspect of wrestling. If I had to guess, I would say that it might have something to do with my own trust fund. Unfortunately, my trust fund was supposed to kick in after Judgment Day. Thanks to World Wrestling Entertainment, I will never know what it's like to be like Ted DiBiase. Therefore, I have no choice but to live vicariously in his shoes. I think his shoes feel uncomfortable yet rich, similar to a pimp coat made out of jagged diamonds.

I know what you're thinking — Ted DiBiase is okay and all, but wouldn't you rather be someone better? I disagree, your thoughts. Ever since Ted adopted his new identity, I have tried to figure out how to model my own life after him. After consulting my team of researchers and scientists, I think I have found a way. Sometimes, you have to spend money to get money suddenly handed to you by a WWE writing team. Cody Rhodes never learned this lesson, which is why he can't afford knee pads and a second elbow pad. Randy Orton sort of learned this lesson until he visited a cheap tattoo parlour. Now, the ink has run all over his arms. That slow-drying ink is no good.

The road to becoming "The Million Dollar Son" is an arduous one, full of potholes, plot holes, cracks, forks, and a nonsensical, one-time appearance from your brother Brett. To take the road more travelled is safe, but to take Ted's route will allow me to see my brother Brett for once. We lost touch over the years. What happened, you ask? Life happened.

Tip 1: Get Yourself A Million Dollar Father
Ted DiBiase Sr's generous treatment of his son proves that money can buy you love and happiness. In this world of wrestling, you need a million dollar father in order to become a quality, million dollar son. If your father has a four-figure salary, ask him to take a second, third, and fourth job to bring his income up a few more figures. If your father has a five-figure salary, ask him to engage in some narcotrafficking on the side to get himself over the six-figure hump. He must mingle with the shady Colombians and attend Colombian Tupperware parties when invited. He must buy or rent a white suit, complete with dress shirt featuring an abnormally large and wide collar.

For those of you with a father who refuses to do these things for you, I'm sorry. He doesn't love you. For those of you with a father who actually wants to help, get him working. You're got no work to do.

Tip 2: Have The Same Name As Your Million Dollar Father
You took your father's money, wisely using a portion of it to begin production on a series of WWE films entitled The Marina. You cast yourself in the title role, playing a harbour trying to save a kidnapped yacht from the evil Indonesian Yacht Racing Team. Critics are ready to praise your excellent docking skills, but is that enough? Absolutely not. Your father's money can only take you so far. You will need your father's name to match and surpass his achievements. As Ted DiBiase once said, he is not his father's son. Ted's father is his son's father. His mother remains the same person. Their dining room has turned into a second living room, though.

With your new persona, you're not a junior anymore. Junior stands for second. Junior means inferior. You are the hybrid car to your father's gas-powered sedan. By taking out the junior from your name, everybody will automatically forget about your dad. That's a rule. Ever since Ted DiBiase came into WWE, I forgot who his father was. For a second, I thought that I was his father, but Maury sent me the results a few moments later. I was relieved, yet somewhat disappointed. Can I still love him as if he were my own? I need some time to think.

Tip 3: Get Yourself A Million Dollar Belt
Dear average individual living on Earth; you are not the son of Ted DiBiase, Sr. I thought you knew that, but there you go. While your average father might be a nice person, he most likely does not have any Million Dollar Belts lying around the house. If he doesn’t have one, you will need to get your own. Please keep in mind that stealing the DiBiase family’s Million Dollar Belt will not do the trick. You must acquire that belt the old fashioned way. Without hesitation, you must fight through the money ranks until you beat the richest man in the world in a sanctioned championship match.

Because you are just starting out, you will start at the bottom of the card, battling for the Ten Dollar Belt against a seven-year-old girl selling lemonade. Once you climb that mountain, you must win the One-Hundred-Dollar Championship against a twelve-year-old boy with a weekday newspaper route. As you move up the ranks, Richie Rich will be training and waiting for you in Richville, USA. The ladder to wealth consists of rung after run of beating up innocent children. Do what you have to do to get the job done.

Tip 4: Get Yourself A Black Guy
While the sensitive people of WWE understand that the dynamic between "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase and his servant Virgil was less than politically correct, they also want you to get the most important message about this partnership. Black guys are helpful, which isn't a racist claim to say at all. In fact, it is rather complimentary. Are you telling WWE that black guys aren't helpful? You monster. I bet you never watched The Mighty Ducks. Terry and Jesse Hall were the playmakers to Guy Germaine’s sniper.

In case that the actual Virgil/Vincent/Shane/Curly Bill/Mike Jones has prior engagements, be active and look around your local area for a possible candidate. The next time you come across a large, African-American male, offer him money to run various, demeaning errands for you. If he agrees to help you, I offer you congratulations. You have found yourself a Virgil. If he kills you, I guess you'll have to come back to life somehow and try again. Good luck.

Tip 5: Put Stuff in Envelopes
Once in a while, Puerto Rican brothers are going to require compensation for their dirty work. For the purpose of discretion, you must determine how to compensate them in public without showing the world how much money you truly have. Being that you are a millionaire, you should be able to afford a few, sturdy containment devices, which will discreetly contain this form of compensation. When life gives you Carlito and Primo, you hand them envelopes.

These envelopes do not even have to contain dollar bills or coins. The shapes seen within the envelopes lead me to believe that Ted didn't give the Brothers Colon any money whatsoever. In my opinion, I think Ted satisfied Carlito's craving for apples by giving him an envelope of apple sauce. Also, Ted fulfilled Primo's dream of sporting a grown-up facial by buying Mike Knox's beard before Mike went out the door. Just because you're rich doesn't mean everybody wants your money. Now and again, they will seek envelope sauce and hair in a paper pocket. Pay them back right.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 90th

2010-05-10T00:47:00.000-07:00

Poochie vs. Batista

The name's Poochie D
And I'm back on the TV
Returning from the dead
'Cause doggie heaven couldn't see me in HD

But in these gentler times
I'm making gentler rhymes
If you think you're so fly
Wait, where am I?

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

I visit Mickie James' biggest fan with a machete and a machine gun. You know what that means — I'm throwing a Rambo-themed birthday party for Mickie James' biggest fan.

AND

Come with me if you don't wanna get paint on you.

Comical: WWE Heroes #2

2010-05-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

Comic books. Children buy them because they don't like reading pages with a lot of words. Grown men buy them because they love muscly guys with secrets. Despite my inexperience with the comic book world, I am beginning to understand it all. Right now, every superhero is protecting some form of New York City, which is the only place worth saving. Bad guys laugh too long. Also, sexy women are intelligent and prefer little to no clothing. In other words, the comic book world is somewhat unrealistic.

Reading WWE Heroes has changed the way I think about life and myself. For years, I identified with Batman, what with his wealthy background, success with women, and ownership of a credit card made in his likeness. Now that I have seen the enthralling exploits of The Firstborn and The King of Shadows, I'm having a superhero identity crisis. Although I do not have a brother, I have fought a guy who looks exactly like me in World War II. I don't know what happened in the end because I got lost in his eyes, but there was fisticuffs at certain intervals.

As I try to figure out who I truly am, perhaps I will find some answers in the second issue of World Wrestling Entertainment's fantastic comic book series. So far, WWE Heroes has brought us through the ages, connecting an epic blood feud with professional wrestling. At some point in this series, I expect the two worlds to combine into one. The Firstborn and The King of Shadows will not settle their differences in a wrestling ring, but should serve as mentors to The Secondborn and The Prince of Shadows in the second season of NXT.

While this look at the second issue will be The Swerved's last commentary on WWE Heroes, I shall do my best to keep up with future issues. Until then, let us enjoy the paneled fruits of Titan Comics' labour. Those brothers better get along. At the very least, they should act civil towards each other before Flag Day. They have until June 14th to get their act together. They must do it for the flags.

The Undertaker, Beth Phoenix, and Triple H do not take kindly to futuristic clothing racks. This is where The Undertaker's MMA training will come in handy. Futuristic clothing racks only know how to hip hop their abs.

"I Can See The Back of The King's Neck, And I Assure You, For Once He's Not Lying, Folks."
Following a brief recap of the first issue of WWE Heroes, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler prepare viewers for a WrestleMania main event matchup between Triple H and The Undertaker. Even though Triple H and The Undertaker fought at WrestleMania X-Seven, I am going to assume that this is a new WrestleMania bout. Furthermore, it seems as though the only event that WWE holds is WrestleMania. Join WWE next week for Monday Night WrestleMania, Friday Night WrestleMania, and WWE Vintage WrestleMania hosted by "WrestleMania" Gene WrestleMania.

Ross and Lawler wonder if Hunter and The Undertaker love, like, dislike or hate each other. In my opinion, I think their relationship is purely sexual. Somewhere in the crowd, Reverend Mr. Clean appears after managing to escape the fiery church. Behind him, he ignores the mysterious substance on the women's chest and mutters evil words under his breath. Booooong. His statement triggers the ominous toll of The Undertaker's bell, or the introduction of a slow motion, spiritual smoking session.

"It's Triple H! Damn Him!! He's Blindsided The Undertaker!"
For a moment, the crowd silently marvels at The Undertaker's entrance. Then, the Deadman's determination to look as displeased as possible is for nought as Triple H is able to attack him from behind with a sledgehammer. In the midst of the ambush, senior referee Mike Chioda intervenes and tries to take the sledgehammer away from Triple H. For his troubles, Triple H hits him in the chin with the sledgehammer. This act effectively eliminates the biggest threat to Hunter's main event spot.

With Triple H momentarily distracted, The Undertaker battles back and punches Hunter in the gut. Jerry Lawler insists that a punch to Triple H's abdomen is a low blow. If Triple H's man-business is positioned that high on his body, I'm not sure why he has been allowed to walk around like that for so long. On the other hand, if Lawler is talking about Triple H's uterus, The King already knows too much.

"A Prince May Walk With Beggars, But His Feet Will Never Touch The Ground."
In the boiler room of whichever stadium is holding WrestleMania CCXXIII, a group of bad guys are toting deadly plastic weapons. At the same time, they have taken several men and women hostage. Every hostage is wearing a maroon shirt. I think we can all agree that if you wear a maroon shirt, you're just asking to be taken hostage. The first lesson I was taught was to look both ways before crossing the street. The second lesson I was taught was to never wear a maroon shirt in a comic book. Thanks, Sesame Street.

Reverend Mr. Clean arrives at the scene and has a brief discussion with his henchmen. They tell him that they have secured all stadium exits. If anyone tries to escape, Reverend Mr. Clean will activate the detonator and send the building to the ground. I know Reverend Mr. Clean wanted to see a fresh main event matchup for once, but blowing up the stadium will not make his wish come true. If need be, Vince would force Triple H and The Undertaker to wrestle over the stadium ruins.

"It is Said That Death is Only the End of the Beginning; And That Beginning is the End of Death."
A pudgy security guard enters the stadium's boiler room while Reverend Mr. Clean is busy shining his hunting knife. The guard wants to know what Reverend Mr. Clean and his henchmen are doing with plastic weapons. In response, Reverend Mr. Clean's henchmen force the guard out of the room. Reverend Mr. Clean determines his fate by asking his henchmen to off the guard.

This sequence proves that Reverend Mr. Clean equally despises pudgy security guards and people in maroon shirts. Recently, Reverend Mr. Clean signed up for eHarmony and found two possible matches. One woman was a pudgy security guard. The other woman wore a maroon shirt in her profile photo. Reverend Mr. Clean switched to Lavalife.

"Poor Triple H! The Referee Should Have Never Allowed That!"
Returning to the ring, the match between Triple H and The Undertaker continues. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler feel sorry for Triple H, but feel sorrier for Mike Chioda, who may never wrestle in the main event again after Hunter's brutal sledgehammer shot. I think Triple H vs. Chioda could have been our modern-day Austin vs. Hogan. Then again, Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan are still kind of mobile. Perhaps they could return to ring action at the same time and be the new Triple H vs. Chioda.

In the balcony, two henchmen watch the match, blocking the view of irritated fans. These fans are so irritated with the sudden obstruction that they don't see the deadly plastic weapons in the henchmen's hands. Elsewhere, a father accompanies his son to the washroom, only to be stopped by a second pair of henchmen who are blocking an exit rigged with explosives.

The boy must urinate, yet the father wants to be on television. In order to make both of them happy, I am going to produce a game show called Pee Races. In each episode, two fathers cheer on their sons as they weave their streams through a complicated maze. The first son to reach the finish line gets $1,111 and a living room urinal installation in his family’s home.

"What The Hell is Going On Here?"
Reverend Mr. Clean and his henchmen infiltrate the WWE Broadcast Truck. The henchmen move the production crew to the back of the truck as the Reverend redirects the feed. The fact that they have every member of production crew at gunpoint is unsettling. One of them was just chilling on a couch, watching the other guys work. Give that guy a suspension with pay, not a plastic bullet to the head.

Turn Your Eyes Away From Spectacle, That You May Receive The Word From Above."
Reverend Mr. Clean shows up on the TitanTron as Triple H and The Undertaker engage in a lockup. The Undertaker, a manly waitress at a bar, an old guy, and Jerry Mathers' family are simultaneously surprised to see him on the screen. They are big fans, but wonder why Mr. Clean dropped his successful cleaning business to work under the Lord.

The Reverend announces that he has the stadium under his control. He urges everyone in attendance to remain in their seats or feel the wrath of fiery explosions. If you are a young boy with a bladder full of urine, you're not getting to that bathroom. Young boys have terrible aim and Reverend Mr. Clean does not want to retain his cleaning duties. He exemplifies his power by threatening a member of the production crew with a knife. Jerry Mathers' family looks on in horror, partly because this predicament reminds Jerry Mathers of that time Beaver Cleaver got trapped in that gigantic coffee cup.

"For Even False Leaders May Be Found Useful In Dire Circumstance."
Backstage, Edge, Carlito, a blonde Mickie James or regular Kelly Kelly, John Cena, The Big Show, Shawn Michaels, and Batista are freaking out over the Reverend’s declaration. Meanwhile, Rey Mysterio is reading The Zombie Survival Guide because he isn't smart. The bright colours on his ring gear are finally messing with his head. Soon enough, he will have to get a Rey Mysterio tattoo to remind him of who he is.

Reverend Mr. Clean and his cleanliness team confront Vince McMahon and the WWE Superstars. Before Vince can protect his talent from harm, Reverend Mr. Clean knocks him out with the wooden end of an axe. He is using it wrong. After throwing the axe down, he takes the WWE Superstars hostage and leads them to the ring. That's too bad. Rey Mysterio was about to consult The Babysitter's Club: Kristy and the Haunted Mansion for help.

"My Hope is That I Will Shepherd Each of You Out of Here Alive. But My Dream Depends on You."
The Reverend cuts his first in-ring promo with WWE talent in tow. He instructs his henchmen to search the wrestlers for any foreign objects that could be used against him in a violent manner. You see, this is what happens when Reverend Mr. Clean skips a stint in Florida Championship Wrestling. He needs more work.

Fed up with the Reverend's rant, Chris Jericho steps up and begins attacking the henchmen. Despite getting some shots in on one of the bad guys, another man trips Jericho up and drags him out of the ring. As four henchmen restrain him, Reverend Mr. Clean asks them to make another example of Jericho. He says, "Do it backstage." Whether they kill him or make love to him, they will be using knives. They're kinky like that.

Chris Jericho is like the town bicycle. Everyone wants to gang up and make love to it with the assistance of knives.

"Let Us Commemorate His Memory with the Traditional Ten Bell Salute."
Post-knife-y-coitus, Reverend Mr. Clean tells the group to mourn with him, but Triple H wants nothing to do with the ceremony. Chris Jericho has been fatally violated with knives who knows where. The least that Triple H could do is keep his mouth shut for the bell salute.

Hunter gets in the Reverend's face, only to be struck with the ring bell. John Morrison and what looks to be Heath Slater hold Hunter back as they watch the Reverend rub his chin in deep thought. The Reverend has almost no idea who this Heath guy is. He hasn't been watching the product lately. He preferred the Attitude Era.

"For So Far As A Man Walks, He Can Never Escape His Shadow."
Reverend Mr. Clean asks the other WWE Superstars to exit the ring, leaving Triple H with what he calls an "aptly demonic foe." Either Double H is here to get his third H back, or Quadruple H will debut, asking Triple H to take full custody of his fourth H.

Assuring the roster that he will be fine, Triple H and The Undertaker end up being the last two men in the ring. The Undertaker insists that the man who comes out victorious in their unfinished match will be the one who takes out Reverend Mr. Clean. A brief battle ensues, ending with Triple H busting The Undertaker's nose with his knee. This one move knocks out his opponent, leading me to believe that the power never came from The Undertaker's urn. The power came from his septum.

"I Won't Play Your Sick Game.”
An unrecognizable WWE Diva asks why the Reverend is doing these evil things. The Reverend directs her question to Triple H, whom he also knows as The Firstborn. In response, Triple H falls out of the ring or jumps out of it to attack Reverend Mr. Clean. This panel leads to an attack by a Godzilla-sized version of The Firstborn, who sets fire to the city.

In this issue, I feel like I'm getting to know The Firstborn better. The Firstborn is not a fan of big businesses like Spooner Industries and Burto, Incorporated. He supports Mom and Pop stores over Wal-Mart. Good for him.

"Triple H is Dead!"
Triple H is not alive.

The Verdict:

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 89th

2010-05-03T00:48:00.000-07:00

Street Fight
Triple H vs. Wilson

Read the face that is written on my ball
Oh that's my entire body, that's my entire body

It's a shame that this beach has no net
An inanimate sphere becomes Tom Hanks' friend
I wear this smile even though I have dots for eyes
Overhead spike, overhead spike

Ooh
These stitches are new and I'll make you serve me
Ooh yeah
You keep the rally going as long as I don't hit the boundaries
Ooh
And you put me on a stick
And I will watch your beard as it grows thick

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

The Swerved is shaved just like Jerry Lawler, except not on its crotch.

AND

Six o'clock doesn't work for me. That's when I have dinner with my family.

Comical: WWE Heroes #1

2010-05-03T00:35:00.000-07:00

Without question, the good people of World Wrestling Entertainment have perfected the entertaining art of professional wrestling. Unlike their competition, Vince McMahon has built and maintained a multi-million-dollar product that is here to stay. Now that they have conquered the wrestling industry, what more could they do? If you said comic books, you must be a witch. As villagers set you on fire in their village square, I would like to congratulate you on a fantastic guess. While you're painfully burning at the stake, feel free to give me any stock tips you might have. Although, please speak up for it will be difficult to hear you over the crackling flames.

The marriage between WWE and comics is long overdue. For years, WWE Superstars have proven themselves to be larger-than-life characters with dynamic personalities and supernatural abilities. By now, one could argue that the fine men and women of WWE are better than the superheroes in your average comic book. Superman can fly and run pretty fast, but how fast is he in jean shorts? Spider-man can climb buildings and shoot webs from his wrists, but when was the last time he shot sledgehammers from his wrists?

I think it's about time that hidden talents like John Cena and Triple H get their chance to shine in the spotlight. With WWE Heroes, wrestling and comic book fans alike will learn how super these men truly are. As for myself, I don't read comic books because girls talk to me, but I am willing to make an exception. For the next few weeks, I will be a comic boy in a comic world. I will be wrapped in something nerdy. It will be fantastic, yet also nerdy.

A wise, old, fictional woman in a okay superhero movie about Willem Dafoe's love for throwing pumpkins at things once told me that great power and great responsibility go hand in hand. Because I only take advice from these type of women in these type of movies, I shall do my part in my analysis of WWE Heroes. I spent upwards of eight dollars on these comics, so they better be worth eight trips to the dollar store. If not, I will be mad.

Kelly Kelly and Michelle McCool are protecting Triple H, or are they protecting Triple H from you?

"And On The Third Day, There Was Blood."
Two guys who look like Triple H are fighting in front of a volcano. I am going to assume that they are fighting over the volcano. One of the Triple H look-alikes uses a rock to hit the other in the face. On the first day, the volcano told one of the Triple Hs that he loved him. On the second day, the volcano expressed his admiration for the second Triple H. This volcano is a playa, y'all. He got two baby mommas.

"And With That Betrayal, The Entire Course of History Shifted Away From Our Lord..."
The grudge between these two brothers — "The Firstborn" and "The King of Shadows" — is compared to the rivalry between The Undertaker and Kane. At some point during their eternal feud, "The Firstborn" must have low blowed his brother, just like how Kane low blowed The Undertaker (as depicted in the comic). After shoving his brother's face in a pit of lava, The Firstborn walks away, expecting payback from The King of Shadows at a later date. Boys will be boys.

If your brother low blows you, I think the joke is on him, though. He had to touch your dangly parts with his forearm, which is almost as bad as getting your face melted by hot molten lava.

"Let The Sum of This Pain Become Too Great for The Firstborn to Ignore."
In a fiery church, Reverend Mr. Clean speaks to his Caucasian congregation. He urges them to wreak havoc in the name of The King of Shadows, indirectly causing pain to his brother. If all goes according to plan, The Firstborn will reveal himself and say, "Hey. What's going on over there? Cut it out, you guys. I'm watching MTV Teen Cribs."

As the congregation leaves, a muscular shape shows up behind Reverend Mr. Clean and gets his attention. Reverend Mr. Clean looks intrigued and aroused, which is what happens to you after several lonely years of cleaning other people's dirty kitchens.

"As Your Synapses Cool and Your Brain Begins to Rot, So Shall I Rip The Memories From Your Little Mind."
In a golden version of Triple H's Barbarian-like armour, The King of Shadows confronts Reverend Mr. Clean. He asks him why he has failed to find The Firstborn. Like Two-Face, half of The King of Shadows' face has been horribly scarred. Unlike Two-Face, I think that The King of Shadows' career is alive and well, King.

The King of Shadows ends Reverend Mr. Clean's life through one-handed strangulation. The Arm and the Hammer from the Arm & Hammer logo are next. Thankfully, Toilet Duck is safe.

"Camelot is Out of Your Reach. You'll Find Nothing Here But Death At My Hands."
We leap forward in time to the year 720 AD, where horses and knights are quietly sleeping on a grassy field. Among the tired masses, The King of Shadows meets his brother. The Firstborn reveals that The King of Shadows destroyed Rome, but will not be able to destroy him, nor his kingdom. Apparently, The Firstborn is King Arthur in this time period. Meanwhile, The King of Shadows stole stuff from a wizard and became Mordred. In Arthurian legend, Mordred was a traitor with a melted Triple H face.

"Stay Out of My Way, Hardy. Orton is Mine."
The battle between The King of Shadows and The Knights of the Round Table is juxtaposed with Batista volunteering to beat up Randy Orton. Sure. Why not?

A blonde Matt Hardy in the best shape of his life, a skeptical Kofi Kingston, the love child of Orlando Jordan and R-Truth, and an unimpressed Drew McIntyre have his back, but Batista wants none of it. He already has his hands filled with two things. Each hand is filled with an ass kicking, but at least one holds a toy as well.

"FOOL!"
FOOL!

"His Fear of My Wrath Has Caused The Firstborn To Don The Guise of a Clown"
Back at the fiery church, The King of Shadows continues to yell at the lifeless body of Reverend Mr. Clean. Due to the lava accident, The King of Shadows' vision is not as good as it used to be. He has 30% vision in his left eye. This impairment is making it difficult for him in his quest to find the fiery church exit.

Shaking Reverend Mr. Clean in the air, The King of Shadows claims that The Firstborn is out there, donning a disguise to deceive them all. If I had to guess, I think The Firstborn is wandering around as either Cactus First or Dude Born.

"The Dead Are Rising. I've Never Seen A Battle Like This."
In the year 1501 AD, soldiers are fighting radioactive cheetahs. At least these radioactive cheetahs have the decency to wear loincloths. Otherwise, I don't believe I could tolerate their violent behaviour.

This century, The King of Shadows is a Mayan king, raising his arms like Triple H. In a soldier’s uniform, The Firstborn runs at his brother like John Cena (if John Cena had a tiny head). On the Aztec pyramid steps, the brothers fight while Hunter and Cena wrestle in the present. The brothers' battle ends with The Firstborn throwing The King of Shadows off the pyramid. In the ring, Cena throws Triple H over the top rope. These fights are similar because Triple H and John Cena are brothers from different mothers.

"Slavery. Is. Wrong. Brother."
We fast forward to 1864 AD as The King of Shadows and The Firstborn fight during the Civil War. Fighting for the Union has turned The Firstborn into Hulk Hogan. The comic compares this fight to a match between The Undertaker and Edge. One day, The Undertaker wanted to achieve independence for Hell's Gate, but Edge wanted none of that. Hell's Gate was and continues to be everyone's gate. Please share.

Allies try to escort General Firstborn off the battlefield, but The King of Shadows grabs a hold of him and continues the fight. He welcomes the general to a new world of shadows and pain, also known as the canopy of a stranger's van. As The Undertaker pins Edge in the present, General Firstborn retaliates with a sleeper hold on The King of Shadows in the past. History books never told me about rest holds in war. History books lied to me.

"He Continues To Elude Me, Josiah — But My Brother Is Not As Clever As He May Believe."
Reverend Mr. Clean has been dead for a while now, but The King of Shadows can't stop talking to him. A dead Reverend Mr. Clean is a pretty good listener. Even though he can't stop rolling his eyes, the amount of sassy talkback is held to a minimum.

Time-travelling through the ages, The King of Shadows has deemed that none of his adversaries is actually his brother. Well, that was time well spent, The King of Shadows. Letting his hatred for The Firstborn guide him, he travels to the year 1944 AD for World War II.

"How's My Size Twelve Feel, Klaus?"
The King of Shadows finds his fallen brother in the sea of bodies and helps him to his feet. Following a brief scuffle, The King of Shadows sends some sort of aqua-coloured beam from his hands to The Firstborn's sternum, creating a vortex.

This World War II fight is equal to the triple threat match at WrestleMania XXIV, which featured John Cena, Triple H and Randy Orton. Even in comic books, John Cena can't stop wearing hats.

"Death is Surprisingly Sweet, Is It Not? I've Had Countless Lives To Get Used To This Stench."
The aqua-coloured vortex in The Firstborn's chest increases in size, but that does not stop him from choking out his brother. Once he is reborn, The Firstborn vows vengeance to counter The King of Shadows' vengeful actions.

Panels later, his aqua-coloured vortex catches fire, leading to The Firstborn collapsing onto The King of Shadow's body during his final breaths. Next time, The Firstborn better keep his aqua-coloured vortexes in check.

"The Fire of My Hatred Has Lit The Way. The Firstborn Has Been Found."
In an act of retroactive continuity, John Cena pins Triple H at WrestleMania XXIV. Returning to the fiery church, a smiling King of Shadows is happy to have found his brother. He appreciates this find so much that he allows Reverend Mr. Clean to live. In his "un-life," Reverend Mr. Clean gives up some of his facial jewelry for one panel, then recovers it in the final panel on the page.

With his shiny jewelry back on his face, Reverend Mr. Clean agrees to do The King of Shadows' bidding. Get him the souls of The Firstborn and Jared from Subway.

The Verdict:

Genuine Draft: Death Appears on Superstars

2010-04-26T00:54:00.000-07:00

Taxes will be paid on Friday nights.

*****

NEXT WEEK

The Eyjafjallajökull volcano will defeat Rob Van Dam for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Ash will fall from the rafters.

AND

If what I think is happening is happening, it better not be.

The Point System

2010-04-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

Eric Bischoff claims that his new ranking system will change the way wrestling fans think about TNA. Although I support Eric's innovative endeavours into the wild world of ranking, I believe I can be just as revolutionary as him. Loyal readers of The Swerved know my track record. The number of innovative concepts that I have presented for the betterment of the wrestling industry have been infinite.

While WWE and TNA did not actually use any of those concepts, I got the feeling that they wanted to. If they ever use my ideas, millions of dollars will be made. Let me assure you — exhibition wrestling will catch on with the masses. Unlike typical, professional wrestling matches, wrestlers will participate in wrestling exhibition galas. They will put on sparkly, themed clothing and grapple to the beat of Tori Amos without ever going for the pin.

Before you jump to your ridiculous conclusions, I don't plan to overshadow Bischoff's plan. In fact, I want to help his ranking system succeed with the help of a point-based subsystem. The Swerved's point system is unlike any other system you have seen in wrestling, borrowing elements from professional sports like hockey, football, and Lithuanian handball. After I lay out the details of this system, I urge Eric Bischoff and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling to take it and adopt it as their own. Since this system was a baby, I have fed and nurtured it. Now that it has grown its wings, I want that system to fly. I told you this was a good system. It has wings.

Once this system comes into play, expect the majority of young WWE fans to migrate over to TNA. Since I used to be a young lad, I know what the children love. Other than colourful building blocks and financial planning, they dig point systems. As always, Vince McMahon is not aware of current trends and will most likely not even think about using this system. Therefore, I transfer this money-making concept over to a group who actually know some of what they are doing. Best of luck, TNA.

The TNA World Heavyweight Championship Division System
Rules:- A set number of points will be rewarded or deducted in the following categories: wins, losses, count outs, disqualifications, reverse disqualifications, inverted wins and losses, and phantom wins and losses. Additionally, situation-specific points will be rewarded or deducted when appropriate.
- The ten wrestlers who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the first, post-Pay-Per-View Impact to the last episode before a Pay-Per-View — will be ranked from first to tenth.
- The wrestler who is ranked #1 will gain a guaranteed shot at the TNA World Heavyweight Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one wrestler accumulates the same number of points during that ranking period, fans will get the chance to vote for who they believe deserves the shot.
- In the event that the #1 ranked wrestler cannot compete at that Pay-Per-View, fans will once gain vote for who they believe deserves the shot.
- In the event that the fans are unable to vote for who they believe deserves the shot, the heavyweight division will gather in a circle somewhere backstage. At that point, a member of TNA Management will stand in the middle of the circle, close their eyes, and spin around really fast. Once they are dizzy, they will hold up a finger and point at a random wrestler. In order for the wrestler to be officially chosen, the appointed member of TNA Management must say, "That one."

Scoring:Pinfall win: 2 points
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss: -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Reverse disqualification win: 5 points
Reverse disqualification loss: 10 points
Inverted win: 0 points
Inverted loss: 0 points
Phantom win: 2 transparent points
Phantom loss: The ghost of 2 transparent points
Orlando Jordan rubs lotion on you: 20 pity points
You rub lotion on Orlando Jordan: Whatever butters your biscuit. We're not here to judge.
That wasn't lotion: -100 points
November Pay-Per-View: Turning Point

The TNA Global Championship Division System
Rules:- A set number of points will be rewarded or deducted in the following categories: wins, losses, global wins, global losses, count outs, global count outs, disqualifications, global disqualifications, and knowing the difference between a world and a globe. Furthermore, points will be instantly deducted for wrestlers who believe that the difference between a world and a globe is that the world refers to Earth and the globe refers to the Earth in relation to the rest of the universe. I have no idea what you're talking about.
- The ten global wrestlers who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the second I look up the difference between a world and a globe in the dictionary to the instant I start to wonder what being a TNA World Champion means — will be ranked from first to tenth. If a wrestler explains to me that the world of TNA is a separate, alternate universe where a champion must be crowned, I will politely nod, then walk away. My head hurts. Wait; is there a difference between a global champion and a TNA Global Champion, too? Holy Jebus.
- The global wrestler who is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Global Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one global wrestler accumulates the same number of points in one ranking period, screw it. I'm just going to buy every ranked wrestler a snow globe. Although, I bet at least one of them will ask for a snow world and blow my mind again.
- If the #1 ranked global wrestler cannot compete at the Pay-Per-View, I'm making fans look on the internet for snow worlds. Maybe they can buy them in bulk. Total Nonstop Action Management and I don't have time for this.

Scoring:Pinfall win: 2 points
Global pinfall win: ?
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Global pinfall loss: ?
Submission win: 3 points
Global submission win?
Submission loss: -1 point
Global submission loss: ?
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Global disqualification/Count out win: A world disqualification/count out win?
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Global disqualification/Count out loss: ?
Knowing the difference between a world and a globe: Priceless?

The TNA X-Division Championship Division System
Rules:- A set number of points will be rewarded or deducted in the following categories: wins, losses, count outs, disqualifications, cage-escaping successes, cage-escaping failures, and adulterous escapades. During the point-accumulation process, additional points will be rewarded or deducted to division wrestlers who have loaded up Shannon Moore's The Book of DILLIGAF on their Kindle or iPad. I don’t think it’s worth the paper it’s not printed on.
- The ten X-Division wrestlers who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the first, post-Pay-Per-View Impact to the last episode before a Pay-Per-View — will be ranked from first to tenth. The wrestlers who are not on this list can smoke all the marijuana cigarettes they want. Brian Kendrick will take up the eleventh to ninety-ninth spot.
- The X-Division wrestler who is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the X-Division Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one X-Division wrestler accumulates the same number of points during a ranking period, fans will vote for the fastest man who can fly back to a TNA event after a volcanic eruption.
- If the #1 ranked X-Division wrestler cannot compete at the Pay-Per-View, the second and third ranked wrestlers will compete in a match for the vacant #1 rank. Total Nonstop Action Management has a zero tolerance policy on #1 ranked X-Division wrestlers who are unable to fly back to a TNA event after a volcanic eruption. If you are a #1 ranked X-Division wrestler, you should be able to control volcanoes.
- If fans believe that the #1 ranked X-Division wrestler is not responsible for missing his championship match, the volcanoes have already won.

Scoring:Pinfall win: 2 points
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss: -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Successfully exiting a red cage: 5 points
Successfully exiting a red cage after three years: -1 point
LLYGAF: 4 points
NLLYGAF: -4 points
Loading up Shannon Moore's The Book of DILLIGAF on your Kindle: -20 points
Loading up Shannon Moore's The Book of DILLIGAF on your iPad: -20 points with digital page-turning capabilities
Cheating on Traci Brooks: 0 points
Cheating on Traci Brooks because she has that huge space between her breasts: I see your point, but wrestling marriages are as sacred as The Book of LLYGAF
Other weight divisions: limits
The Outer: limits
The X-Division: 0 limits

The TNA Tag Team Championship Division System
Rules:- A set number of points will be rewarded or deducted in the following categories: wins, losses, count outs, disqualifications, getting the tables, and earning the tables through hard work and perseverance. Throughout the point-accumulation process, additional points will be rewarded and deducted to teams who look like a pre-pubescent version of The Hardy Boyz. That's right; I'm looking at you, Matt Morgan and Matt Morgan.
- The ten tag teams who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the start to the end of one calendar month — will be ranked first to tenth. Within this ranking period, many tag teams will show fatigue. In their tired state, it is their responsibility to desperately clothesline their opponents and hot-tag another tag team onto the list.
- The tag team that is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Tag Team Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one tag team accumulates the same number of points during one ranking period, two sets of fans will enter the ring in referee's shirts and simultaneously count the points. As each set of fans raise the hands of a tag team, the referees will argue in exaggerated fashion, leading to an intense, feud-ending recount.
- If the #1 ranked TNA tag team is unable to compete at the Pay-Per-View, the tough and rough tandem of Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs will return and take their place.

Scoring:Pinfall win: 2 points
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Getting the tables: 1 point
Setting the tables: 2 points
Turning the tables 3 points
Earning the tables: 4 points
Burning the tables: Ruining perfectly good tables.
Yearning for tables: Weird.

The TNA Knockouts Championship Division System
Rules:- A set number of points will be rewarded or deducted in the following categories: wins, losses, count outs, disqualifications, picking the right box, and picking the wrong box. At random times during the point-accumulation process, those rewarded and deducted points will be placed in boxes themselves and given to division members when appropriate.
- The ten TNA Knockouts who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the end of TNA's "Time of the Month" to seconds prior to the start of TNA's next "Time of the Month" — will be ranked from first to tenth. Throughout this ranking period, management will ask TNA what's wrong. Apparently, management should already know what's wrong without having to ask. Don't bother TNA right now. She feels bloated and unattractive at the moment.
- The TNA Knockout who is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Knockouts Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one TNA Knockout accumulates the same number of points during that ranking period, fans will vote for the woman with the pointiest elbows. The woman voted to be the one with the pointiest elbows will receive a title shot, but will not receive any attention from the handsome, wealthy, and successful fan base.
- If the #1 ranked TNA Knockout is unable to compete at the Pay-Per-View, remember Sirelda? Man, that was something.
- If fans do not believe that any of the women have pointy elbows, select TNA Knockouts will compete in a number one contender's match. The woman who can sharpen her elbows and defeat her opponents with said elbows will become the new contender to the TNA Knockouts Championship.

Scoring:Pinfall win: 2 points
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Picking the right box: The TNA Knockouts Championship or a spider, who can make you a TNA Knockouts Championship out of silk.
Picking the wrong box: 0 points
Lacey Von Erich: 5 points
Successfully executing a standing backflip, which somehow increases momentum for an elbow drop: Pointless.
Awesome Kong: 1 release

The TNA Women's Tag Team Championship Division System
Rules:- A set number of points will be rewarded or deducted in the following categories: wins, losses, count outs, disqualifications, prolonged entrance dance routines and brief entrance dance routines. Regardless of match outcome, TNA Knockouts who do not enter the Impact Zone with any type of dance routine will be automatically given zero points.
- The ten TNA Women's tag teams who receive the most points in a single ranking period — the duration of an average WWE Divas tag match — will be ranked from first to tenth. Because TNA has about two women's tag teams in total, each team will appear five times on the list to round it out.
- The TNA Women's tag team that is ranked at #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Women's Tag Team Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than TNA Women's tag team receives the same number of points at the end of the ranking period, fans will try to vote, only to realize that the company has about two women's tag teams in total. To distract fans from this realization, commercials for Blue Mountain State will play.
- If the #1 ranked TNA Women's tag team is unable to compete at the Pay-Per-View, the luscious and curvy tandem of Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs will dip themselves in chocolate and take their place. They will become "The Tasty Boys."
- In the event that the TNA Women's Tag Team Champions are released, Blue Mountain State will be on television soon. College life is almost like regular life, except it is in college.

Scoring:Pinfall win: 2 points
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Prolonged entrance dance routine: 20 points
Brief entrance dance routine: 0.1 points
Becoming the third TNA Women's tag team: 50 points

Genuine Draft: Hootie Who?

2010-04-19T00:41:00.000-07:00

The Blowfish are about to blow up on Monday nights.

*****

NEXT WEEK

If I win this match, Rey Mysterio will be forced to cut his mask. He willl be all like, "Aw, man. You're making me ruin the good one." I will be all like, "Serves you right for being the only who wears it. You think you're special? Big snips, not little snips. I'm watching you."

AND

I don't want anywhere in here getting raped. Myself included.