In an unprecedented and genius move, World Wrestling Entertainment handed over the booking reigns to their universe. In turn, the WWE Universe gave us a one-time, voting extravaganza that we will not soon forget. Last Monday, the Divas competed in a rare yet familiar Over The Bottom, Middle, or Top Rope Battle Royal. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper returned to exact revenge on a guy who played another guy playing a guy that Piper used to dislike. Last and kind of least, that District 9 dude was confused. If I were him, I would be confused, too. One day, you're a bug person jonesing for some delicious cat food. The next day, Gene Okerlund is dissing you.
Wrestling fans with a working, long-term memory might argue that WWE has done a Viewer's Choice Night before. I would not disagree with you, but aren't you glad we can relive the good times for free? Like that Motown song says about birds and bees on welfare, the best things in life are definitely free. To get an opportunity to vote for matches and match stipulations that have minimal to no impact on a storyline, feud, or character is the greatest freebie no money can buy.
For me, Viewer's Choice Nights belong on Mondays. I believe WWE put an end to the original Taboo Tuesday and Cyber Sunday because they were too good for those Pay-Per-View days. People were willing to pay millions of dollars to watch them, only for WWE to say, "Hey, we don't want your money. We don't know where that money has been." Plus, the Tuesday Alliance Against Discrimination was mad that WWE portrayed Tuesday as a special needs weekday. You see, Tuesday is not like the other days. His helper Wednesday assists Tuesday whenever it needs to go to the bathroom. Wednesday encourages Tuesday to learn about social dos and don'ts with flashcards.
In anticipation for the next Viewer's Choice Night, I have prepared several voting ideas. While WWE has not scheduled another three-hour voting special, I am willing to do the grunt work for them. From last week's RAW forward, every Monday should be left to the voters. They vote presidents to office and American Idol contestants to superstardom. Therefore, they should be more than able to be improve WWE programming.
(WWE viewers pick entrance)
- Rolling down the ramp in a wheelchair
- Walking with a limp
- Sprinting to the ring without showing any ill effects
- Pulling a train through deep space
Following an impromptu invasion by the NXT Season 1 Rookies, John Cena was left a
battered and bruised mess. Due to his exit on a stretcher, one might think that Cena would be unable to make an appearance on the next Monday Night RAW. As for me, I have complete faith that he will return, but under condition will we see “The Champ”? Going through spotlights couldn't hurt him. Going through tables was a slight annoyance. Vehicular homicide attempts made him itchy rather than dead. Has NXT finally put out Cena for good?
(WWE viewers pick facial expression)
- Like an inconvenienced Popeye with shampoo in his eyes
RAW Announcer Justin Roberts — the fresh-faced voice of Monday nights — suffered a similar fate to that of John Cena. With NXT Rookies destroying wrestlers, officials, and equipment alike, he got caught in the crossfire as victim of the dreaded Windsor Knot Choke. For years, wrestlers have tried to find a way to use formal wear against ring announcers. In 2010, nobody with microphone in hand and tie on neck is safe from such NXT Rookies as the forever-employed Daniel Bryan. Those who prefer bow ties shall feel the wrath next. Unfortunate gentlemen who enjoy wearing dickeys should go into hiding before it is too late.
What has become of Justin Roberts? The tie is in your hands.
(WWE viewers pick use)
- Keep it in a sealed container (Years from now, future scientists will open the container, use the hair to make a Drew McInytre clone, and question the life decisions they made to get to this point.)
- Add them to his own hair
- Take a few strands from Tiffany's head, then play with both in his Hair Dream House
- Follow the hairs' verified Twitter account
Matthew Hardy's obsession with "The Chosen One" Drew McIntyre has consumed him. Ever since his indefinite suspension from SmackDown, Matt has desperately sought means for retribution. On the Viewer's Choice edition of RAW, he put a revenge plan into motion, ripping luxurious strands of hair from McIntyre's head. In my country, taking hairs from someone's head is the ultimate form of payback besides actually getting payback. Has Matt's plan come together, or is this only the beginning?
- Uncomfortable shoulder massage with sensual undertones
- Open a door on it
- Shut a window on it
- Invite Randy Orton's shoulder to a dinner party with healthy and wealthy shoulders to make it feel inadequate
The R-Rated Superstar's recent attacks on Randy Orton suggest that Edge is not fooling around this time. His own storied history of injury woes has frustrated him to the point that he is taking it out on other people's injuries. Dear shoulders; hide your wives and injuries from Edge for he has his eyes on you. He will sleep with your significant other, suffer a freak injury, and cap the night off by temporarily holding you down with a shoulder pad. Clearly, Edge is not done tormenting Orton's shoulder. Wherever Orton's shoulder goes, Edge will be right behind him.
What is his next move? The choice is yours.
(WWE viewers pick reason)
- Computer is new
- Computer is an older model
- WWE refuses to shell out money for a decent WiFi connection
- Facial recognition software does not detect a real face
In the midst of showing viewers the ease of voting online, Jerry "The King" Lawler proved that the process was not easy at all. Being a man of tussling nobility, I do not expect Lawler to be a tech-savvy king, but I do expect him to have some semblance of control over his personal computer. Past instances of computer problems lead me to believe that something has gone awry in the relationship between royal man and machine. If Jerry Lawler is not at fault, what is the computer’s problem with Lawler?
(WWE viewers pick opponent)
- Ted DiBiase
- Irwin R. Shyster
- A stronger pair of handcuffs made of materials other than paper or air
This summer, Quinton Jackson plays B.A. Baracus, combining the powers of having a bad attitude and being an abacus whittled out of a barracuda. Mixed-martial arts fans know him as a former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion, but Jackson has expressed an interest to take part in the world of professional wrestling. Can he translate his powerful fighting style to a wrestling ring? No, you silly goose. Light heavyweights aren't heavyweights. The Great Khali would kill him based on size alone.
Nevertheless, who will be his first opponent? You can vote here. It’s not a handicapped zone.
(WWE viewers pick enemies)
- The Hart Dynasty
- Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov
- John Morrison & R-Truth
- Slippery top turnbuckles
The Usos are the twin sons of Rikishi. Tamina is the daughter of Jimmy Snuka. Together, they are the Samoan Smart Team, bent on showing viewers that they are not your average Samoans. Unlike their stereotypical ancestors, they are not savage islanders or thonged dancers with gigantic posteriors. They wear modern clothes. One of them is sometimes seen in a sweater vest, also known as the intimidator's garb. For the most part, they are not in sync with one another’s movements.
They will have their day in the spotlight. One of them will leap into it several seconds before the other two, but I digress. Could another team beat them to the punch?
(WWE viewers pick maneuver)
- Body slam
- Body slam
- Body slam
- That fake WWF stuff with Hulk Hogan, no doubt
Currently, the public's interest in professional wrestling is at a definite low point. Close-minded analysts who are not me predict that no current star or angle can bring wrestling back into the mainstream. In my view, WWE is closer than ever before. With Jericho set to host a game show on ABC (Downfall) and The Big Show about to appear in the first comedy by WWE Films (Knucklehead), mainstream audiences will be paying attention. Despite wrestling's poor reputation with the general public, they are educated viewers who want to love wrestling; they just don't know it yet.
One recognizable move can reel them into the entertainment sport. Which one will it be? Your vote counts.