Some boys become doctors to cure the ailments of the world, one patient at the time. Some boys grow up to be lawyers to defend or reprimand human beings for the sake of truth and justice. Others become farmers to dig their ploughs into the earth, turning their manly seeds into nutritious fruits and vegetables. On the road to manhood, we give up on our lofty childhood dreams for the sake of attaining a safe and comfortable lifestyle. At least, most of us choose to strive for this cookie-cutter fate. You see, not everyone goes with the grain. For the Wrestling Professor, life as a professor who wrestles other professors is anything but a dream.
On the second anniversary of the birth of this fine, sexually attractive site, I -- The Swerved with Stephen Rivera's Stephen Rivera -- celebrate two years under the guidance of the Wrestling Professor. Without question, the Wrestling Professor is a great wrestling professional. From the moment I came aboard the Analytic Freight Train, he served as my wise conductor. Whenever I made an accurate or informative remark about the industry, his horn of triumph would echo across the plains. On the rare occasion in which I made an ill-conceived comment about the entertainment sport, he would beat me with his steel-enforced conducting gloves. "All aboard the pain train," he exclaimed as my tears of anguish became the metaphorical fuel that powered his chugging locomotive down the winding tracks. He's cool, though. He's cool. By the way, does anyone have a spare bag of frozen peas that I can use? Does anyone know the location of the nearest ice machine? No? That's cool. I'll walk it off. No worries.
Today, The Swerved is a wrestling juggernaut. As the readership increases from five to seven people (three of whom smell like stale tomato soup and desperation), I am forever grateful for his support. At the end of the day, the Wrestling Professor is the wind beneath my second layer of wind. Out of every Wrestling Professor in Swerved Nation, he is my fourth favourite by default. In part, I hereby dedicate the return of the Interviewerved to the Wrestling Professor. May you become a professor for a better subject in the future. How about Astrology? I heard that’s interesting.
Also, The Swerved would like to thank the following for their considerate contributions:
World Wrestling Entertainment Total Nonstop Action The Swerved Nation Friends and Lovers of Stephen Rivera Derek Burgan Santino Marella The Honky Donky Man Batman Batman's Batmanagement Team Noches de Pasion con Señor O' Brien The Children’s Television Workshop Red, White, and Blue Wrestling Ropes My Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air Chainsaw Juggler Canned Peanut Brittle (The Most Common Snack in All the World) The Moe Szyslak Experience featuring Homer You For Smoking Tampax Roberto Luongo Kelly Kelly's Chaps Amazin' Ladies Hardworkin' Ladies Brainy Ladies Lady-man-ladies You and yours
Sincerely, My Name Here
10 Questions: Famous Twos in Wrestling
1) As a professional wrestling analyst, I try to decipher reality from the fantasy world. Like a needy scavenger, I delve deep to uncover truth from a garbage heap of lies. Although nothing can stop The Swerved from finding the answers to wrestling's biggest questions, the mystery of Scotty 2 Hotty confounds me. You see, I do not understand the meaning of Scotty 2 Hotty's name. On one hand, Scotty 2 Hotty stands for a man named Scotty who exhibits an excessive level of "Hotty." In developing countries, citizens can only dream of such an abundant amount of Hotty. On the other hand, Scotty 2 Hotty may stand for the uplifting, emotional transformation of a man named Scotty to a man named Hotty. What is the actual meaning of this man's name?
WP: This is one of the biggest misunderstandings in all of wrestling. It was Valentine's Day 1998, and Scotty "Raven" Levy had sent a valentine's card to Stephanie McMahon. The card read, "From Scott 2 Hotty," but not before Stephanie could take her eyes off her "Wrestling Observer Index" did Levy's girlfriend storm inside the offices of Stamford, CT, demanding answers. She ripped up Raven's valentine's card in front of Stephanie's face, telling her to "Go to Hell, with the rest of your scumbag family." Embarrassed, Stephanie put the ripped card into the trash, where Duke "The Dumpster" Droese was training jobber Scott Taylor on janitorial duties. Scotty saw the "Scotty 2 Hotty" piece, while Duke saw the "From" piece, and the rest is history.
2) In one of my top 2002 matches of Summerslam 2002, Kurt Angle took on Rey Mysterio in what appeared to be a nifty candy striper singlet. From that Pay-Per-View forward, I have dreamt of a World Wrestling Entertainment full of superstars in candy striper singlets. Now that we are living in 2008, I am beginning to think that my dream will never come true. A dream is a wish your heart makes. Therefore, when will my heart get to see a bunch of wrestlers in candy striper singlets fight for volunteer work at my local hospital?
WP: Just get Vince Russo to read this interview and you’ll be seeing it on TNA Impact before the end of the year.
3) WrestleMania 2 was the first and only WrestleMania to simultaneously occur in multiple venues. At the time, the World Wrestling Federation could be in three places at once -- California, New York, and Illinois. At WrestleMania III, the WWF inexplicably lost its power. Maybe they lost this power in a gun fight. Maybe they lost it during a thunderstorm, atop an evil scientist's secret mountain lair. Whatever the case may be, how did the WWF receive this superhuman ability and how can I use it in my everyday life?
WP: Human cloning has come a long way since 1986, so if you wait a few more years and clinical trials, you just might be on the cusp of multiplying yourself by 3 and get your wish. Once you do this, you could date three women at once, each in a different city, as long as the women aren’t triplets. You could write three blogs, take three showers, drive three cars, and earn three salaries. But if Stephen Rivera #1 calls Georges St. Pierre a pansy and blames Stephen Rivera #3, then what would Stephen Rivera #3 do to escape this quagmire? Oh yeah, he’d just blame Stephen Rivera #2.
4) At WrestleMania X-Seven, Edge and Christian defeated the Dudley Boyz and the Hardy Boyz in the second Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match. During the match, Lita assisted the Hardys by showing her thong above her pants. Meanwhile, Spike Dudley assisted the Dudleys by wearing enough wrist tape to appear as though he had put on white magician gloves. Finally, Rhyno assisted Edge and Christian by becoming a anthropomorphic rhinoceros. If I competed in that match by myself, how would you help me win?
WP: Dress you up as Edge’s wife (to kill Lita), feed you carrots (to outweigh Spike Dudley and beat him up), and turn you into an asteroid (to wipe out the Rhinoceros). If none of that worked, I’d give you Andre the Giant’s b.o. so you’d totally clear out the place.
5) Mr. Wrestling II is the edge-of-your-seat, action packed sequel to Mr. Wrestling I. Then again, sequels are never as good as the original. While Mr. Wrestling II was successful before my time, I sense a underlying connection between this wrestler and I. In order to learn more about this man, I could read up on his life story, but history books never tell the complete tale. If you had to guess, what is Mr. Wrestling II's first name? I think it's Agamemnon, or J-Thrilla. I know Mr. Wrestling I's first name was Samantha.
WP: There was never a Mr. Wrestling II, and that’s what your readers need to realize. There was only Mr. Wrestling I (Samantha), and she used the same secret powers Vince used to make three simultaneous WrestleMania II’s in 1986. The question you should really be asking, Stephen, is where is Mr. Wrestling III?
6) World Wrestling Entertainment loves their makeshift tag teams. They can't get enough makeshift tag teams. They will not be happy until every team is of the makeshift variety. In the Attitude Era, perhaps the most popular, random duo was Kane and X-Pac. Only in WWE can you get a Big Red Machine to befriend a guy with stringy hair who sticks his tongue out the whole day and consumes copious amounts of Hansen's Energy Drink. Throughout their stint, rumours ran rampant that Kane was about to join DX and debut a brand new, neon green look. If Kane joined D-Generation X, how would the then-WWF alter his chilling entrance?
WP: It would be a mixture of the fiery explosions Kane is famous for and the crotch chops DX was famous for. Hence, Kane would set his crotch on fire until it exploded.
7) Speaking of D-Generation X, Triple H and Shawn Michaels think that two men can reform a wrestling stable which boasts an alumni of about nine people. When North America disbands in World War XIX, I shall reform the North American population with a dish rag. Forget about those other millions of people. In your opinion, how do two men equal a wrestling stable?
WP: Two men equal a wrestling stable when all the original men are too drugged out to reform as a united group. That’s also the same way legendary music groups can re-unite with only one original member. You booze, you lose. Just say No to drugs and Yes to nostalgic greed.
8) Diehard fans of the old Extreme Championship Wrestling promotion are quite fond of 2 Cold Scorpio. Even though I preferred Flash Funk for his proficiency in the art of being so funky, 2 Cold Scorpio intrigues me. At what temperature does Lukewarm Scorpio, who is born in lukewarm water between October 21st and November 23rd, become 2 Cold Scorpio?
WP: Lukewarm Scorpio became 2 Cold Scorpio as soon as Bill Watts was hired by WCW and he was on a mission to push as many African American wrestlers as possible in his quest to re-create the success of the Junkyard Dog. Scorpio blew away JYD as an athlete, but didn’t have the charisma or promos. And if you ever wonder why Scorpio never reached the level of potential he could have, watch his shoot interview and marvel at his immaturity.
9) The Brian Kendrick's finishing move is called "The Kendrick," but not too long ago, he called it "Sliced Bread Number Two." Many wrestling fans believe that Sliced Bread Number Two was the best thing since sliced bread, but I disagree. Yes, Sliced Bread Number Two is an innovative finishing move. Although, how do you make a delicious and satisfying ham and cheese sandwich with two finishing moves? You can't put ham and cheese between two finishing moves.
WP: I beg to differ. If there were ham and cheese between the Stratusfaction and Melina doing the splits, are you telling me you’re not going to eat up that sandwich like there’s no tomorrow? Especially if it’s grilled with a tomato and turkey bacon, lightly dabbed in “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray?
The Kendrick, though, should change his finishing maneuver to the Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Sandwich, which is my current drug of choice. Take two pieces of whole wheat bread, 5 grams of fibre each. Take some all-natural peanut butter and slather it on. Place 8 dark chocolate chips on each side (must be dark, because that’s the healthy kind), slap it together, and grill for two minutes in your indoor grill of choice (I like the Sunbeam Rocket Grill). Take it out, slice it diagonally, and enjoy true perfection.
10)The Swerved is two years old. Oh, they grow up so fast. First they are in diapers. The next thing you know, they're in prison for attempted murder. We must cherish these memories before they fade with the passing of time. At two years old, the site is becoming more mobile and aware of itself and its surroundings. With this newfound mobility and curiosity, The Swerved desires to take advantage of its growing independence. Unfortunately, independence for a two-year-old equals defiant and erratic behaviour that makes me want to tear my hair out. As a single working mother trying to make ends meet while struggling to find love in the city, how I can raise this site to its full potential? Sassy woman to sassier woman, tell me what to do so I don't have to think of a plan for myself.
WP: You are entering what parents call the “terrible 2’s,” a period of unrelenting horror, sleepless nights, not a moment’s peace, out of control expenses, temper tantrums, and generally feelings of constant suicide. Sadly, there is no answer for this phenomenon. I’m afraid you have no option and should put the Swerved up for adoption.
Once you find a suitable guardian, get spayed and/or neutered to ensure this never happens again. Then sit back, relax, and get ready to enjoy the best Swerved-free life you’ve ever experienced.
The next day, after I completed The Booker and rocketed myself into superstardom, the Disco Inferno and I came home. Back to where we started. It was the 22nd of September in that Swerved Nation. Somehow though, things were different. Our past was here, but our future was in a more attractive part of the nation with pleasant-smelling people. And I knew, sooner or later, we had to move on up to live in that other part of Swerved Nation -- the wealthy part.
It was the last September I ever spent as The Booker. The next week after becoming the best wrestling booker in all the world, I was on my way. So was Triple H. He left Stephanie McMahon and married Lemmy from Motorhead, of course; gave birth to three beautiful babies with Lemmy-inspired facial hair. He's still asking people to play his game. As for Vince McMahon, well, we patched things up. Hey, we were geniuses -- for better or worse. One for all, and all for one until the bitter end. I think Vince McMahon should suck a dozen eggs, though. The shell must be on those eggs beforehand.
Linda McMahon tried to get into my pants. I must say, I don't think I am ready for her jelly. I don't believe I was ever ready. I'm scared to undress in my bathroom now. Shane McMahon; he did well -- new booker, Chairman of Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, wearer of non-threatening baseball jerseys with his nickname on them. Shane's wife, Marissa Mazolla-McMahon, stayed on to host an updated version of the defunct show Live Wire. Enthusiastic conversations with Michael Cole seemed to suit her. In fact, she adorned herself in a cream-coloured suit and Vandyck beard and took over as the new Michael Cole one month later... after Vince McMahon retired and I was not present to have a say in the matter. Disco Inferno left the promotion the next summer to study how Total Nonstop Action continues to exist in Orlando. Still, we never forgot our promise. We disco danced, separately, in rowdy nightclubs for the next fifteen years. I was there to meet him when he came home -- with my wife, my other wife, my mistress, my mistress' wife, and some naked lady whom I met at a Laundromat. From what I could see, she is at least eighteen years old.
Like I said on that Wednesday to some guy and that other guy, booking a wrestling promotion never turns out exactly the way you planned. Maturing as a professional wrestling analyst happens in a heartbeat. One day, you're writing for wrestling fans with no teeth. The next day, you're writing for millions of wrestling fans with at least four teeth between them, but the memories of fantasy booking stay with you for the long haul. I remember a location, an arena, a ringside area, like a lot of other ringside areas. A ring like a lot of other rings before an entranceway like a lot of other entranceways.
And the thing is, after all this time, I still look back, and book.
Refresher Notes: - World Wrestling Entertainment has been changed to Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. You cannot teach a old dog new tricks. On second thought, you can teach an old dog new tricks if you force the old dog out of power and replace him with an new dog who can disguise himself as the old dog. I can be insane like Vince McMahon. Hey, look. I'm in an onscreen affair with a Diva who admires me for my authoritative power. Take a picture because my ass will not be bare for much longer. - Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is built from its own foundation. This promotion provides its audience with new and entertaining feuds, matches, angles, and segments. The Hell in a Cell is a square. The Elimination Chamber is a circle. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment gimmick matches occur in the steel confines of the dreaded dodecagon. I am told that this dodecagon is a dangerous structure. My creative team adds that the overhead view for this match will make it look as though the wrestlers are competing in steel tea biscuit. I cannot wait. - While one may notice a few similarities between World Wrestling Entertainment and Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, let me assure you that they are not identical. They are two, different worlds with opposite mindsets. World Wrestling Entertainment chooses sports entertainment over old-fashioned professional wrestling. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment chooses entertainment sports over old-fashioned professional wrestling. The promotions are not the same, nor will they ever be. - Swerved Wrestling Entertainment forbids its wrestlers from appearing on television for multiple brands. If you want to see Jillian Hall sing her collagen lips right off her face, you must watch RAW. If you care about the life of Jesse of Jesse and Festus fame, Smackdown is your destination. Finally, Mike Knox is a precious commodity. He is the essential part of a complete ECW breakfast. He sets in the East so the sun can rise in the West. He is a solid gold bar that has relations with a tank of gasoline. He defines Extreme Championship Wrestling. - Don't be afraid to gander at the archive section of this site for previous installments of The Booker. As we reach the final installment, do not forget about the past. We learn from the mistakes of yesterday and today to better ourselves for tomorrow. Luckily, I make no mistakes. I have learned nothing. - Each month installment of The Booker concludes with that month's Pay-Per-View. When you leave this nest, I hope you raise your little chickadees to realize that they will never be as successful as this five-part series.
SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr Pay-Per-View Card September 14, 2008 Presented by Dolph Ziggler. Dolph Ziggler: His ancestors used to ziggle for a living.
SWE Championship Match William Regal (c) vs. Triple H
World Heavyweight Championship Casket Match Umaga (c) vs. Undertaker
SWE Intercontinental Championship Cage Match Mr. Kennedy (c) vs. CM Punk
SWE United States Championship Match MVP (c) vs. Shawn Michaels
Best-of-Seven Series for the SWE Tag Team Championship - Match 7: Ladder Match London and Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang
World Tag Team Championship Street Fight Match Cryme Tyme (c) vs. LAX
SWE Women's Championship Submission Match Natalya (c) vs. Mickie James
ECW Championship Match Samoa Joe (c) vs. AJ Styles
News: Former WWE Chairman Vince McMahon decides not to live forever and force words into announcers' mouths.
Vince McMahon does not have an actual job in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment (I like to keep him on the payroll because I appreciate his ability to have muscle and promote fitness), but I want to be the first to wish him the best of luck in his retirement. I hope his newfound free time will allow him to catch up on what is cool and hip with the kids these days. For Vince's information, the children like to dress themselves in what they call "clothes."
AUGUST 18, 2008
In a non-title match, Natalya defeats Candice Michelle with the Sharpshooter. Throughout the contest, Natalya taunts Mickie James by skipping around the ring. Truly, skipping is not only Mickie James' thing. Male wrestlers skip around the ring all the time. For instance, the Undertaker is a skipper when wrestling fans aren't looking. Whenever he rolls his eyes back in his head, he's thinking, "Oh man. I wish I was skipping right now." - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela continues to be your Lord and Saviour. He catches up with Natalya to get her thoughts on Mickie James, who has requested another shot at the belt. Natalya laughs at Korpela's generic question as if he was not your Lord and Saviour. Natalya tells Mickie that if she wants another shot at the title, she will give her one. As a final note, Natalya adds that this supposed match will be made under her rules, not Mickie’s. This idea does not sound promising. At the Pay-Per-View, I bet Natalya wears her father's beard, then forces Mickie to wear a Jim Neidhartian beard as well. The match will consist of the two competitors eating soup. The wrestler whose beard touches chicken broth first loses. - In a royal horse and carriage driven by Prince Paul Burchill, SWE Champion William Regal arrives to the arena. The horses run on carrots while the carriage runs on the magic of Disney. Regal takes the hand of Princess Katie Lea as she steps out of the carriage in a sparkling pink dress. Dang. I'm late for the sports entertainment prom. Where do I put my contract signing table that breaks if you breathe on it? - Back in the locker room, Chris Jericho seethes in the corner of the room, playing the Rey Mysterio win over and over again in his mind. With a Mysterio mask in his grasp, he rips it to shreds. He should have disguised himself as a small child in that mask. Then, when Rey Mysterio made his entrance and touched foreheads with him in an endearing but somewhat disturbing way, Jericho could destroy him. Like many children, I too dream of touching foreheads with my favourite wrestling superstar. Alas, Konnan is busy. He is bowdy bowdy from Mondays to Fridays, then rowdy rowdy on the weekends. - Homicide and Hernandez stand in a parking lot before a steel drum, burning Cryme Tyme merchandise in the glowing fire. Homicide wears a bandana over the bottom half of his face, sunglasses over his eyes, and another bandana over the top half of his face. Meanwhile, Hernandez is wearing one too many colourful ponchos. Together, they are the Latin American Ninja and Triple Juan Valdez. Tonight, Homicide looks forward to his one-on-one matchup against the battered JTG. He's not looking for an ambush, but a knock 'em, throw 'em out battle between real men. If JTG doesn't bring Shad, Homicide promises to not bring his boy Hernandez. Because Homicide is a noble thug, I shall believe him.
In singles action, Homicide from LAX defeats JTG from Cryme Tyme via interference from Hernandez. During the match, Homicide works over his opponent's exposed shin. When will JTG learn how to correctly wear pants? Never. In the final minute, Hernandez emerges from the crowd and executes the Border Toss behind the referee's back to give his partner the victory. Shad runs to the ring to even up the score, but LAX exit through the crowd. If I didn't know any better, I think these two noble thugs known as the Latin American Xchange are not noble at all. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews CM Punk about Mr. Kennedy's refusal to face him. At first, Punk vents his frustrations about an Intercontinental Champion who refuses to defend his belt, but assures Korpela that Kennedy will get what he deserves at the Pay-Per-View. When Korpela inquires about the Pay-Per-View matchup, Punk hushes him up. You do not speak to Jack Korpela like that, CM Punk. You bow to him, then you eat a Communion wafer. - John Cena wanders the backstage area as a defeated man. He searches for someone to inform him of his opponent. Once he turns the corner, he meets Mark Henry. The World's Strongest Man tells Another Man Who is Strong in This World that Cena's time in the spotlight is over. Henry can't wait to watch Cena rise to the bottom of the SWE ladder while he rises to the top. In response, Cena uses his training as an onscreen marine to survive the harsh climate of SWE. First, he drains a litre of water from Henry's beard to fill up his canteen. Next, he lifts Henry up and finds a bunch of grubs to eat.
John Cena defeats Henry with the F-U because Cena lifting up large dudes is never not entertaining. Henry toys with Cena in the match and attempts to flatten him with the World's Strongest Slam. Through the power of hustling, being loyal, and respecting the elderly, Cena gains a sixth wind and takes down the big man like a hefty bag of garbage. Like Mark, Big Daddy V is a hefty bag of garbage, though Mark is denser. Furthermore, portions of him are probably recyclable.
MATCH 4: MAIN EVENT
CM Punk and Rey Mysterio team up to defeat Mr. Kennedy and Chris Jericho with a combination of the 6-1-9 and the Go 2 Sleep from Punk to Jericho. An mad Jericho gets madder when his tag partner refuses to show up for the match. With the odds against him, Jericho isolates Mysterio and beats the mystery right out him. Rey's real last name is Gutierrez. He enjoys Flamenco dancing, corn dogs, and reality shows about supermodels who have anything but super, model lives. When an exhausted Mysterio tags Punk out of desperation, CM Punk beats the mystery into Chris Jericho. At one time, Chris Jericho wanted to break the walls down, but now he is trying to build a wall between us. Let us in, Chris. Let us into your world. - A celebratory ceremony commences for King William Regal and his loyal subjects. The trumpets blare, the jesters juggle, and attendees dance around the maypole. Run with those ribbons. Run like you have never ran with a ribbon before. An army of knights accompany King Regal, Prince Paul, and Princess Katie Lea to the ring. Let us dine on the legs of oily turkeys. William Regal poses with the SWE Championship around his waist and commands silence. Since wrestling crowds love dancing around maypoles, they do not want these fun festivities to end. Regal applauds Triple H for his valiant effort at last night's Pay-Per-View, but stresses that a true king stays a king. Sooner or later, Regal tells Hunter that he will have to acknowledge the fact that in the battle of good and evil, evil (Triple H) never triumphs. As a kind gesture, Regal offers Triple H a place in his kingdom and assures him that he can teach him how to be good. Right before the celebration continues, Hunter walks out and starts Pedigreeing everyone in sight. In the middle of a juggling act, Triple H Pedigrees the jester. Against a wall of knights, he Pedigrees them one by one. In reach of Regal, Hunter lunges at him. Prince Paul intervenes to knock Triple H out with a set of brass knuckles. This calls for a song of victory... on the lute.
AUGUST 25, 2008
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea. At the request of King Regal, the Princess promotes a main event matchup between Triple H and her brother. When Korpela looks to Prince Paul for a reply, Paul is unable to speak. Eventually, the Princess snaps her brother out of his trance. the Prince says that if King Regal wants a bloodbath, he shall get a bloodbath. I'm not a fan of bloodbaths. In my opinion, bloodbaths take too long and you end up wrinkly as you leave the tub. I love to take blood showers, though. You're in, you're out. Blood showers are convenient and refreshing. - The SWE Intercontinental Champion shows his intercontinental face for the first time in forever. Mr. Kennedy tiptoes around the backstage area on the lookout for CM Punk. He asks various members of the production crew about Punk's whereabouts while he clutches his championship belt to his chest. If I was Mr. Kennedy, I would be scared, too. Imagine that man as he haunts your dreams. I don't want a straight-edge drifter in my fantasies about Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders providing me with free legal advise at an arcade. Let my dreams be dreams.
A non-title match between Mr. Kennedy and Rey Mysterio concludes with a distraction from Chris Jericho. Rey Mysterio utilizes his lightning-quick, mysterious moves to take down his bigger opponent. In the unofficial tacky tattoo contest, Rey Mysterio gains an unofficial win over Mr. Kennedy for his half-necklace that is not a half-necklace. At least Ken Kennedy's red tribal blob on his back does not resemble a half-necklace. Jericho interferes in the bout by taking the 6-1-9 for Mysterio's opponent. Jericho’s sacrifice lets Mr. Kennedy take down an unsuspecting Mysterio with the Mic Check. When the referee hands Kennedy his title, he scurries out of the building. - The grey curtain is back for a promo with Cryme Tyme, the World Tag Team Champions. Shad and JTG inform Homicide and Hernandez that they would destroy a bunch of LAX merchandise, but they don't have any. Oh, snap (your fingers and or neck). Cryme Tyme believes that it is about time for a whooping. Shad challenges Hernandez to a match for next week's RAW. He puts his hand to his heart and promises that JTG will not be present. A man who appears to be JTG in a handlebar mustache may show up instead. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela returns to ask what Mickie thinks about Natalya’s recent comments. Mickie agrees to take on whatever Natalya has in store for her. Korpela mentions that Natalya has proposed a women’s Pay-Per-View match to end all women’s Pay-Per-View matches. While Mickie seems optimistic, she is not too confident when Korpela announces that Natalya has chosen to defend her title in a submission match at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr. Like Physiology, submission matches against Natalya "Ain't Too Furr" either. - King William Regal summons SWE Women's Champion Natalya to his skybox. he tells her that she will not have to wrestle this week. He encourages Natalya to rest up for her big Pay-Per-View match. Supposedly, Princess Katie Lea wants to put on her royal wrestling gear and battle with the other ladies. To appease her needs, Regal has placed the Princess in tonight's upcoming Divas tag match. A princess who wrestles is my second favourite type of princess. With that said, I do not want to reveal my first favourite. If I reveal my first favourite, you will read me like an open book. As a hint, my favourite type of princess deals with a valiant teenager who excuses himself in her company on a consistent basis.
Mickie James and Candice Michelle defeat Beth Phoenix and Princess Katie Lea when Mickie pins the Princess with a Mickie DDT. In terms of the Mickie DDT, Mickie is as creative at naming finishing moves as Batista and his bald head. During the match, Natalya provides commentary at ringside. This commentary consists of Natalya ensuring the audience that Mickie has no counter to the Sharpshooter. Although Mickie does not have a counter to the Sharpshooter, Natalya is not creative enough to call her finishing move the Natalyashooter. Hence, the match could go either way. - Mark Henry eats ten thousand salty pretzels for his beard water leaves him overhydrated. I thought Mark Henry was successful as Sexual Chocolate, but this "Sexual Salty Pretzel" persona should make him a megastar. For no reason, let's team him up with Tony Atlas. Henry enjoys his pretzels until John Cena confronts him and takes one of them. The time is not now to be stealing pretzels. Cena reminds Henry to watch last week's match to see who's really on the rise. Henry is more concerned about Cena's pretzel-stealing ways and gets in his face before SWE officials break up the pair.
Mark Henry transfers his anger for John Cena over to this match and annihilates Super Crazy with the World's Strongest Slam. On this night, the World's Strongest Man is stronger than ever. Then again, I may have seen stronger World's Strongest Slams before. Those sexual salty pretzels must be good for you. "It's sexual and salty, baby. And I'm going to give it all to you in a twisted, baked dough form. Yeah, right on, strange pretzel vendor."
MATCH 4: Main Event
Triple H topples the valiant Prince Paul with the Pedigree. At the top of the ramp, King Regal observes the match from his throne. Despite the loss, Prince Paul inflicts significant damage on Hunter's neck in preparation for future, neck-related punishment. From this match forward, thrilling roller coasters should give Hunter tremendous discomfort. - At ringside, Hunter shuts Princess Katie Lea up by locking her in the Pedigree position. King Regal saves the day and puts Hunter in the Regal Stretch. Princess Katie returns to her feet stomps on Triple H's skull for good measure. King Regal is my kind of king. I despise the kings who show up to your door with Whoppers on a silver platter. I'm a McDonald's guy.
Let me get this straight but not homosexual or bisexual: Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is profitable? A wrestling promotion is supposed to make money? I thought the purpose of running a wrestling promotion was to inadvertently will the dinosaurs back to life. Do I get my own pet stegosaurus or not? He's a power dinosaur. He digs his fungi.
SEPTEMBER 1, 2008
- CM Punk begins this episode of RAW with a special announcement for Mr. Kennedy. Unfortunately, the SWE Intercontinental Champion is nowhere in sight. Punk deems Kennedy's disappearance as worrisome yet expected. Punk reveals to the audience that at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr, Mr. Kennedy must defend his Intercontinental Championship. If he refuses to defend his belt in this match, CM Punk becomes the new champion by default. Punk takes a pause to build suspense, then tells the audience that he will face Mr. Kennedy in a cage match. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment cannot go old school and bring back the blue cage. Although, I plan to cover the steel cage in Smurfs. Is that fair? As he gloats about the match, a hooded man jumps into the ring and beats down Punk's lower body. With a steel chair in the man's hand, he gives brutal shots to Punk's knees and ankles. Punk screams in agony and tries to shield himself from further assault. The hooded man drops his weapon in an exaggerated manner. At segment’s end, Mr. Kennedy slams down his hood and raises his fists in the air. He is so intercontinental. Now, Punk will have to pull a Lieutenant Dan to climb the steel cage walls and win that match. This Pay-Per-View match is in the Pay-Per-View bag. - Santino Marella and Carlito approach Super Crazy, who is super but just a tad crazy thanks to Mark Henry and a cold. After all, fall is flu season, ladies and gentlemen. Santino and Carlito wonders how they can be super and crazy to make it in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. Super Crazy invites them down to the Super Crazy Expo for a super and crazy time. Cue the promotional, cheesy 70s video with funky, out of tune music. Being super and crazy in this workaday world is not as hard as it seems. In fact, super and crazy people are all around you. Are you looking hard enough? This hummingbird looking for nectar is super and crazy. This scientist in a leisure suit is super and crazy. - Your Lord and Saviour interviews the Latin American Xchange. At the Pay-Per-View, Hernandez announces that LAX will take on Cryme Tyme in a Street Fight. I do not understand why street fights in wrestling occur in the ring when they should happen on the street, but I did not invent the street fight. One of my history books claim that Meriwether Street and William Fight came up with the match concept. Homicide says that the Latin American Xchange live on the street and will die on the street. I have two street urchins in my company? Sweet. This calls for Ramen Noodles. I don't have any Bud Light because beer is for the classless. I am not one of the classless. I stir Grey Poupon into a glass of Hawaiian Punch and drink it down with a sophisticated straw.
In a singles match of the behemoth members of Cryme Tyme and LAX, Hernandez defeats Shad with the CrackerJack. Since Shad is too big and uncoordinated to sell the move, he sort of flips over two inches off the ground and lays in a pile of sweaty largeness. Brooklyn, Brooklyn. Cryme Tyme and LAX go at it before a group of lower card wrestlers separate the teams. Robbie and Rory McAllister mean serious business. Hernandez offered me a CrackerJack once, though I thought he meant that he was going to give me a box of Cracker Jack -- the delectable, caramel-coated snack. I want the prize inside. I want that monkey riding a bicycle badge. I am not a successful wrestling promoter until I receive one. - A video appears to promote the Submission Match between challenger Mickie James and SWE Women's Champion Natalya at the Pay-Per-View. From this montage, we notice that Natalya wishes to break Mickie James' back. Conversely, Mickie James has a back made out of taffy. Her back will not break. Mickie James' back is the Ford Truck of human body sections -- long-lasting and dependable.
Mickie James defeats Princess Katie Lea via count out. Midway through the match, the Princess claims that the match is too hard. Plus, she thinks that Mickie James is cheating. She decides to quit and leaves with her tiara, scepter, and cotton candy pony. As the Princess walks up the ramp, Mickie turns her around and executes the Mickie DDT. The cotton candy pony is appalled. - This installment of Grey Curtain Promo Corner stars King William Regal and Prince Paul Burchill. Regal discusses what he desires to be his final encounter against Triple H at SWE Physiology Ain’t Too Furr. He is tired of Hunter's resilient attitude. He wonders why Triple H cannot admit that he has lost. Prince Paul tells Regal that SWE is full of people who cannot admit defeat, which proves to the Kingdom that they must be the ones to break their spirit. - John Cena suits up for the main event against King Regal's Kingdom. Actually, Cena does not suit up as much he makes sure you can see his boxers over his jean shorts. Can you see his boxers over his jean shorts? You can? His work is complete. Mark Henry storms into the locker room and demands to know who John Cena believes himself to be. In 2008, John Cena is John Cena with boxers that slightly peek over his jean shorts. Even though John Cena has a match tonight, he’s game for a rematch against Henry in the future. Wait, nobody looks forward to rematches against Henry. The notion that someone would look forward to a rematch against Mark Henry both disturbs and arouses me.
CM Punk submits to Chris Jericho's Walls of Jericho in a quick match. Jericho immediately bombards Punk's lower body with hold after hold until Punk can take no more. Punk -- the anti-hero -- tries to be the anti-hero-hero and squeak out of the match with a flash pin. In the end, Punk struggles to walk upright in a competent fashion and falls to the submission. He saves whatever mobility remains in the lower half of his body for the Pay-Per-View. By September 14th, I hope gifted engineers from MIT can lend him a pair of robotic legs. If he does not acquire robotic legs, Punk has to make use of those wheelchair cart for dogs. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Rey Mysterio. For your information, Rey never wears the same ring gear twice. He's the kind of wrestler who has an strong interest in fashion. He is the male equivalent to Maria. Rey Mysterio conveys his utter displeasure towards Mr. Kennedy and Chris Jericho. He reminds the audience that the feud between himself and Jericho began as a means to see who was the real star of RAW. Jericho's win against Punk has inspired Mysterio to prove to the world that he is the one who is RAW. Next week, Mysterio will face Jericho in the blowoff match. If RAW is Mysterio, the WWE Experience is The Swerved. The WWE Experience must be The Swerved. Five years ago, I would have taken Velocity, but times have changed.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Triple H and John Cena defeat William Regal and Prince Paul Burchill via disqualification when David Harry (DH) Smith makes his Swerved Wrestling Entertainment debut. Hunter foregoes his elaborate Motorhead entrance and pummels King Regal to start the match. They proceed to brawl around ringside in a violent fashion. When you despise another man, you do not hold onto the tag rope in hopes to chain-wrestle that man; rather, you forget that you are a professional wrestler by trying to end that man's life. Prince Paul attempts to protect the King of SWE from Hunter, but Cena interferes and pairs off with him. Hunter brings the steel steps into the ring and signals for the Pedigree on the king. At this time, David Harry Smith charges at Hunter from behind. With ease, DH picks Hunter up and plants him down with a running powerslam. Meanwhile, Regal and Burchill barrage Cena with lefts and rights. The show ends with DH bowing to King Regal and Prince Paul.
Thank goodness Stephanie McMahon will return from her ripped bicep injury in six months. Nobody stands around and does menial tasks quite like her. I was getting worried for she is an integral part of the Swerved Wrestling Entertainment family. Similar to her job in WWE, Stephanie does work for the SWE Creative Team. We tell Stephanie to talk to her children and ask them what is best for SWE. Their input is crucial to our success.
SEPTEMBER 8, 2008
- Chris Jericho stews in the locker room in his glittery boots. I wore glittery boots once. I decided to attend a Ultimate Fighting Championship event in Las Vegas, Nevada. Before I entered the facility, I took a wrong turn and fell down in the midst of a children's arts and crafts fair. I was fine. Plus, I was fabulous from the knee down.
In the final rematch between the two competitors, Rey Mysterio proves that he belongs on RAW by Dropping the Dime on Chris Jericho. Dropping dimes is a neglectful act in real life, but in professional wrestling, Rey Mysterio can drop all the dimes that he wants. The next time that Rey Mysterio drops a dime, pick it up. He drops so many dimes that if you picked up each dime, you would not have to work anymore. Chris Jericho tries to seriously injure Mysterio with the Lion Tamer version of the Walls of Jericho. Apparently, when Jericho digs his knee into your neck, the feeling is not pleasant. Mysterio escapes the hold by pushing off on his legs to propel Jericho to the middle rope. He gives him the 6-1-9, then connects the aforementioned dropping of the dime. For now, RAW is Mysterio. In a year, who knows? RAW could be anyone. For goodness sake, RAW could be Lance Cade whenever he learns that copious amounts of alcohol do not give him superpowers. Get out of rehab already, man. - King William Regal arrives for a ceremony to honour David Harry Smith. Somewhere in Heaven, the British Bulldog looks down on his son with a smile. Also, I assume that the British Bulldog is continuously Rock Bottoming himself into a tray of dog poop with joy. If I am incorrect in my assumption, I apologize. I have no idea how British people in Heaven celebrate. Accompanied by Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea Burchill, David Harry Smith takes a royal walk down to the ring. Of course, the fans start their USA chants because you are never allowed to admire a professional who hails from a country other than America. If you are foreign, you are automatically the heel. If you are from the United States, you are automatically awesome and obese. Regal gloats about Smith's debut last week and informs the audience that his kingdom shall never fall with a man like David by his side. David Harry Smith takes the microphone and speaks about the legacy of his father. He mentions that the British Bulldog was one of the greatest power wrestlers in WWF history. He addresses Triple H and says that unlike The Game, dignity, loyalty, and strength runs through his veins. All that runs through my veins is blood. I was never meant to be royal. Woes me. As William appoints David Harry Smith as the Duke of RAW, Triple H appears on the Titantron to address the Kingdom. Hunter promises that the blood of royalty will run cold through the streets tonight. This RAW, Hunter will show David Harry Smith what it means to "Play the Game." Watch out, Duke Smith. Hunter is going to impregnate you. His seed wields a sledgehammer. Fo' sho'. - A video montage shows the bitter turf war between Cryme Tyme and LAX. I was not aware gang members could battle over steak. Lobster is just as tasty. From what I gather from the montage, RAW is not big enough to contain these two teams. Well, I don't think that I need to contain them. They're not leftovers. They are noble thugs, except Homicide and Hernandez. They just tease me with Cracker Jack. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela conducts a sit-down interview with SWE Intercontinental Champion Mr. Kennedy. In a serious tone, Jack asks why Mr. Kennedy viciously attacked CM Punk. Without blinking an eye, Kennedy replies that CM Punk does not understand the duties of an Intercontinental Champion. At first, Mr. Kennedy thought CM Punk was naive, but now, he knows that Punk is nothing but a punk. Well, his name is not CM Upstanding Citizen. When Ken learned that he had to face Punk at the Pay-Per-View in a cage, he wanted to send a message to his opponent: Ken Kennedy does not need to prove himself to anyone. If Punk wants to settle the score in a cage, Kennedy has made sure that Punk never walks out of that match on his own power. The moment that Punk made this bout a cage match, he created a prison. Ken states that Punk is nothing more than a prisoner in his own prison. This interview is nice, though he forgot to repeat his name into the overhead microphone. Mr. Kennedy calls his microphone Starla.
Super Crazy, Santino Marella, and Carlito get the victory over Hardcore Holly, Val Venis, and Jim Duggan. If this company was World Wrestling Entertainment, the team of Holly Venis and Duggan would be called "Hardcore Money Shot Ho." Because this company is SWE, Holly, Venis, and Duggan are known as "This Team is Sexual in Nature." Together, they embrace their sexual side, but only in nature where birds can see them make love to their female companions. I predict that the formidable trio of Crazy, Marella, and Carlito will be a hit. You have a Mexican, an Italian, and a Puerto Rican. I want to go to their potluck dinner and be super and crazy with them. - Backstage, WWE officials find Mickie face down on the concrete. She appears to be unconscious. Will Mickie James gain revenge on Natalya at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr? I'm not sure. Once again, physiology ain't too furr. Psychology is furr, though. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela shows up live to interview Mark Henry, the Sexual Salty Pretzel himself. In this upcoming match, Henry wants Cena to know that he's not afraid of his F-U. In comparison to the sight of a grotesque, fire-breathing monster, John Cena's F-U is like seeing a woodland nymph play "Hot Cross Buns" on the piccolo. You tell him, Mark Henry.
John Cena defeats Mark Henry with the STFU. In hindsight, Mark Henry was not ready to attend Stepover Toehold Facelock University. He had the grades, but not the motivation or discipline. In the future, Henry should consider starting out at a smaller, post-secondary intuition. I hear DDT Tech has openings. - To a loud chorus of boos, King Regal and his loyal allies take their seats in the skybox. Wrestling fans don't like it when wrestlers sit in the skybox. Wrestlers in the skybox reminds them of the time when WWF screwed up the WCW Invasion by having WCW invaders sit comfortably at a WWF event. I see you eating that guacamole dip with your finger, Mark Jindrak.
MATCH 4: Main Event
David Harry Smith, the new Duke of RAW, coaxes Triple H out for a one-on-one battle. Duke Smith glances up to the skybox suit where King Regal, Prince Paul, and Princess Katie reside. Once Hunter enters the ring, King Regal calls for Hunter's head. Duke Smith and Hunter throw down in an intense punch-and-kick fest. He lifts Hunter up for the running powerslam, but Hunter fights out of the move, shoves Duke Smith against the ropes, and nails him with the Pedigree. Regal and his kingdom stare down at Hunter with wide eyes. At show's end, Triple H grabs a sledgehammer out from under the ring and points it in Regal's direction. Foreshadowing, perhaps? How about “forehammering”?
Feud Ratings Before Final Pay-Per-View: Triple H vs. William Regal: 90% Mr. Kennedy vs. CM Punk: 90% Mickie James vs. Natalya: 77% LAX vs. Cryme Tyme: 83%
News: The Animal hates to be loved in cracker form.
Batista is fed up with Swerved Wrestling Entertainment because the company refuses pay for his bald haircuts. In SWE, you must have the Randy Orton crew cut. These are the haircut rules of professional wrestling, my bald, multiracial friend.
AUGUST 22, 2008
- In Vickie Guerrero's office, Edge places a frozen streak against the side of the face to sooth the facial pain inflicted by Montel Vontavious Porter's accidental Superkick. The SWE United States Champion asks the R-Rated Superstar what he can do to make things right. The Smackdown General Manager stresses that since La Familia helped him, Porter must help La Familia. Once Shawn Michaels is gone for good, MVP assures Edge and Vickie that he will do whatever he must to pay them back. He should've asked for my help. In return, I want his inflatable tunnel. - Maria, in clothes made by Maria, interviews Paul London and Brian Kendrick. London and Kendrick are not happy with their deficit in the Best-of-Seven SWE Tag Team Championship Series. Maria inquires about their strategy for Match #4, which is about to take place in a few moments. Paul London says that they will do what they do every night -- try to win. I thought he meant that they were going to have a pyjama party. I brought my Noxzema for nothing. - Backstage, The Great Khali and Jamie Noble play Rock Band. Naturally, Khali rocks the microphone. On the drums, Jamie Noble insists that they need a guitarist to complete the group. The Great Khali tells Noble that two people are enough. In turn, Noble claims that the best bands in the history of music have had three or more people. For example, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem had six members. The Great Khali adds that Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem do not count as a real band. Noble quips that Khali's face is not a real band. Vladimir Kozlov arrives onto the scene and criticizes Khali and Noble for dilly-dallying. An ecstatic Noble embraces Vladimir and hands him the guitar. Kozlov throws the guitar down and reminds them of their match tonight. Noble calms down Kozlov by letting him play the drums, but Vladimir refuses and curses them out in Russian. I don't care if you prefer Guitar Hero. You better drum with them on Expert, fool.
In a fast-paced contest, Paul London and Brian Kendrick gain their first victory in the Best-of-Seven SWE Tag Team Championship Series when London pins Jimmy Wang Yang with a Standing Shooting Star Press. Compared to the top turnbuckle Shooting Star Press, the Standing Shooting Star Press is impressive, but not that impressive. Watching a Standing Shooting Star Press is equivalent to receiving a participation ribbon on Sports Day. Everybody gets one, yet nobody wants one. - Coming to you live on tape from a spooky graveyard with too much fog, the Undertaker speaks of revenge on the Samoan Bulldozer. The Undertaker has died many times, but soon, Umaga will learn how to perish. Through videotape, he asks Umaga what he thinks about coffins. I told you, Undertaker. Umaga can't not no speak Anglish. He probably thinks coffins are gigantic, hollow candy bars in which chocolate elves live. - Elsewhere, the wise Funaki instructs Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter about fighting. Funaki is a former Cruiserweight Champion. Hence, he is the wisest person that one can know. Funaki holds up a steel board and asks Ken Doane to break it. Doane attempts to break the board with a spin kick, but fails. Jeter tries to break the board with a straight jab, but hurts his hand. Funaki shakes his head in disappointment and asks them to break the steel board with their mind. The Cobras look at each other, quite bewildered. Once more, Funaki is a former Cruiserweight Champion. He just impregnated your girlfriend through positive thinking, or through the power of TAKA Michinoku's Capri pants-ish tights.
The Great Khali and Jamie Noble get the win over The Cobras with interference from Vladimir Kozlov. Even though Doane and Jeter dominate the first half of the match with a swift, double-team attack on Noble, they stand no chance against a raging Khali. Mr. Funaki notices his two students in trouble, so he utilizes his brain power to take Khali off his feet. In the other corner, Kozlov hesitates to help his supposed friends. At the finish, he breaks down and headbutts Doane, which allows Noble to roll his foe for the pinfall. In reaction to the win, Noble and Khali lock hands and jump around in a circle. They try to get Vladimir to join in the fun with them, but Kozlov is lame and prefers Guitar Hero like a chump. - In an interview with Maria, Chavo Guerrero insults the Big Show. He cannot insult the Big Show and get away with it. The Big Show will waste him. The Big Show will take the fact that he is big and the fact that he is a show and show Chavo in a big way why people call him the Big Show. I don't call him the Big Show. I call like him the Large Program.
The Big Show decimates Chavo Guerrero with multiple Chokeslams. Get your Chokeslams while they are Chokeslammy. I prefer to get my Chokeslams when they are on sale. I'm not a sucker. I'm a smart buyer. Show gains the attention of the cameraman and addresses Edge, face-to-screen. Well, it's the Large Program. It's a very large program this evening. - Shawn Michaels arrives to the building late for one of his eyes runs on Pacific Standard Time while the other runs on Eastern Standard Time. Behind Smackdown security, Montel Vontavious Porter informs Shawn of his upcoming matchup against Umaga. As Michaels threatens to Superkick MVP, Edge and Bam Neely take down HBK. In the background, Montel Vontavious Porter giggles with glee. The highest paid superstar on Smackdown is the best giggler. His Breathe Right nasal strip allows him to giggle with minimal nasal congestion.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Umaga wins a lopsided match against a bloody Shawn Michaels with the Samoan Spike. The Heartbreak Kid urges the crowd to support him, but even the crowd knows that their support will not be as beneficial to him as, say, a Band-Aid. If you are injured in an unfortunate accident, you do not ask the paramedics to chant your name. Paramedics chanting your name is not an act that magically secures your wounds with stitches. If anything, paramedics chanting your name will make you bleed more. - Undertaker's music plays over the speaker system, which cues up the druids to make their dramatic entrance. Similar to last Sunday's Pay-Per-View, they roll out a large casket fit for someone who has the same build as Umaga. Like an elephant afraid of a mouse, Umaga slowly steps away from the casket. The druids push the coffin up against the apron in order to present it to him. Once Umaga creeps back towards the casket, Undertaker's hand busts through the lid to cap off this episode. The Undertaker has died many times, but he has no idea how to open a casket lid. You push up, then you push to the left.
AUGUST 29, 2008
- Shawn Michaels starts the show off in the middle of the ring. Why is The Heartbreak Kid so early? According to Shawn Michaels time, he should not be here until the last fifteen minutes of the show. Michaels shows his battered face to the camera and notes that the emotional and physical pain he has suffered at the hands of Montel Vontavious Power are no match for the brutality he has endured throughout his whole career. Well, Shawn Michaels did land lower back first onto Undertaker's casket. I guess this once career-ending back injury cannot be compared to MVP having giggle fits behind security. Michaels calls upon Vickie Guerrero to do what she wishes with him. Superkick or no Superkick, all he wants is another shot at MVP. As he is about to leave the ring, Vickie Guerrero makes her presence known. Vickie tells Shawn that the foolish antics of MVP will stop tonight, if and only if HBK can defeat both Edge and Porter in a handicap match. A victory shall grant him a Pay-Per-View rematch against MVP for the SWE United States Championship and full use of his Superkick. A loss shall ban him from Swerved Wrestling Entertainment for life. What about free hot dogs and Pepsi? As Chairman of SWE, I will give Shawn Michaels free hot dogs at Pepsi if he wins. - Maria interviews Vladimir Kozlov, who rants on and on about Jamie Noble. I hope Jamie Noble is not around to hear this rant. He is a sensitive fellow. He can't watch himself wrestle because he believes that if you watch yourself wrestle, the television will devour his soul. Kozlov criticizes Noble's incompetence and The Great Khali's willingness to befriend such an incompetent fellow. Look, Vladimir Kozlov. Go play Guitar Hero by yourself in Russia. You're in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment now. When us normal people are gaming, we enjoy the company of others. - On the other side of the wall, Jamie Noble listens in with the assistance of a glass cup. The Great Khali asks Jamie what Kozlov is talking about, but Jamie refuses to say. I see the hole in your heart, Jamie Noble. You can spackle that hole shut all you wish. From personal experience, I know that you cannot repair it. That hole is as big if not bigger than the one left in my heart when WWF released Tiger Ali Singh. Come back to me. Where are you, Babu?
Vladimir Kozlov defeats Funaki with a vicious headbutt to the sternum. Headbutt finishers are rare in modern professional wrestling. They are as rare as wrestlers with healthy tans or WWE Divas with natural busts. In order to show Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter the correct way to fight, Funaki chooses to not fight at all. If you refuse to fight, you are already the winner. Sadly, this rule is only applicable to Funaki. The Cobras better get a new teacher. - In the locker room, The Cobras asks Funaki why he didn't wrestle. Funaki ignores their questions and meditates in the corner of the room. The Cobras reluctantly join him to get a possible answer to their question. After the brief session, Funaki assures Doane and Jeter that you cannot wrestle until you learn how to professional wrestle. Because Funaki does not consider himself to be a professional anymore, he loses. Until that day comes where we can be professional, we are but mere amateur wrestlers. The wise Funaki is pretty wise. The label does not lie. - The Gregorian One, also known as Gregory Helms, encounters Finlay in the backstage area. Finlay forgets his name because Gregory Helms' theme has not yet played -- the one in which it informs the viewers that Gregory Helms' first name is Gregory. Gregory Helms is offended by Finlay's forgetfulness. Helms leaves in a huff as Hornswoggle refers to him as "The Hurricane." What would I do for Hurri-Powers? I would most likely trade in a Klondike Bar for Hurri-Powers.
Finlay defeats Gregory Helms because nobody likes Gregory as a wrestling name. Seriously, Gregory is not a name for a wrestler. Gregory is the name of a certified periodontist in your town. Gregory must go to the drawing and find a better wrestling name than his real name. If I ever become a professional wrestler, I'll wrestle under the name Gazpacho Wolfmeyer, Jr. As you can tell, my gimmick will be that of a Spanish, soup-eating wolf. I hope I like making money for I will be making a lot of it as Gazpacho Wolfmeyer, Jr. - SWE United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter paces down the popular backstage hallway in preparation for the main event. A large man taps him on the shoulder. Porter swats the hand away for the first two times, but the hand grabs his arm on the third attempt. Porter looks up and meets the Big Show. MVP waits for Show to speak. The Big Show stares at him without saying a word. Porter wanders off due to a mixture of confusion and fright.
Paul London and Brian Kendrick beat Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang with Kendrick's Sliced Bread #2 on Moore. London and Kendrick are determined to not lose. Whether or not this Best-of-Seven Series goes to seven matches, you will see a satisfying conclusion. I'm talking about closure beyond mortal belief. During the crowning of new SWE Tag Team Champions, you won't need to see a Best-of-Seven Series again. As much as I want to bring Orlando Jordan back in the fold for another classic Best-of-Seven Series, I won't. If I were to bring back Orlando Jordan, I would want him to spell his initials in the air, then leave. Orlando Jordan is an expert at spelling his initials in the air. - Undertaker stalks the foggy graveyard and vows vengeance on Umaga. On this special edition of Unsolved Mysteries, Undertaker presents a story about a group of ghosts who haunt an old hotel in Topeka, Kansas. What does Umaga have to do with this haunting? These ghosts haunt the old hotel for Samoa. For this injustice, the Undertaker will make the casket extra uncomfortable. He will take away most of the padding inside.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Shawn Michaels upsets the team of MVP and Edge in a handicap match. The SWE United States Champion and the R-Rated Superstar manhandle HBK for the majority of the match. In the final moments, Michaels comes back and squares up MVP for the MVP-like kick in the corner. Edge slides into the ring and sneaks around in his squatting, spear position. As HBK turns around, he sidesteps Edge, who hits the Spear on Porter instead. Before Edge can stop Michaels, Big Show walks to the ring and pulls Edge to the floor. Michaels rolls over and pins Porter to an electric ovation. The fans react with an electric ovation because SWE does not appeal to human spectators. Hooray for robots. Sorry, everyone else.
SEPTEMBER 5, 2008
- Backstage, the wise Funaki teaches Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter the meaning of The Cobras. Doane and Jeter assure Funaki that they know who they are, though they cannot convince Mr. Funaki. The wise one from the Land of the Rising Sun instructs Doane and Jeter to be one with the cobra. In other words, Funaki forces Doane and Jeter into a wooden crate filled with venomous cobras. Doane and Jeter are frightened in the crate until Funaki tells them to sing the snake charmer song. Of course, they soothe the cobras' souls with a rendition of Joe Esposito's "You're The Best Around." On the outside of the crate, Funaki nods his head in approval. Then again, he rhythmically nods his head. Perhaps he simply digs the song. Cherry passes the wooden crate and greets Jeter with a flirtatious smile. Cherry and Johnny Jeter? If the Elisabeth Shue fits, Jeter can be her Macchio Man. - In the locker room, Vladimir Kozlov attempts to discuss the upcoming six-man tag match with Jamie Noble, but Noble appears standoffish and aloof. Don't act like you didn't dis him, Vladimir. I saw your hatred for Jamie in HD. As we are all aware, that much definition does not lie. While Kozlov raises his voice at Jamie, The Great Khali argues with him and requests that he should lower his tone. For the entire segment, Khali consoles Noble by brushing his hair. I need Khali's services. My hair requires a brushing and I am distraught because of it. When will he console me?
Using the power of love, The Cobras and Mr. Funaki defeat Vladimir Kozlov, Jamie Noble, and The Great Khali. Mr. Funaki's lessons were great and all, but Cherry has lady parts. Yes, Funaki is wise, but wisdom does not make him into a lady with lady parts. Sometimes, a fighter has the desire to be a lover, you know. After the match, The Cobras bring us back to the days of the mighty Spirit Squad and begin to dance in a goofy, comical style. They cannot dance this way without Mikey, Nicky, and Mitch. This dance is blasphemous. On the other corner of the ring, an angry Vladimir yells at Jamie Noble and blames his stupidity for their loss. As The Great Khali stands in front of Noble to confront Kozlov, Vladimir leaves the ring in an irate state. If Kozlov was angry with him, he should have sent Jamie Noble to his room, or refused to let him ride the mechanical horse on their next trip to the mall. - Montel Vontavious Porter ventures to Grey Curtain Promo Corner. Humble in defeat, he congratulates Shawn Michaels on his victory last week. He apologizes for the pain that he has caused HBK and does not want Michaels to think ill of him. Because he is the reigning SWE United States Champion, sometimes he does what's right for the gold rather than what's right for others. Tonight, MVP invites Shawn to join him in the VIP Lounge so he may apologize to him in public. I am not a gullible man, nor am I dishonest, so let me call a spade a spade. MVP is the Most Valuable Player in the game of heartfelt sincerity. - On this edition of the VIP Lounge, MVP waits patiently in the ring for Shawn Michaels. He encourages the fans to stand up and cheer for the legend that is HBK. To their delight, Michaels shows up and talks down MVP. As Shawn approaches, Porter grins and signals to the back. Smackdown security runs down the aisle to attack Shawn Michaels because that is what effective security teams do during wrestling events -- they take MVP's monetary bribes and go to town on an iconic hobo. Due to the reinstatement of the Michaels' Superkick, HBK goes wild on the security team with Superkicks aplenty. When Michaels manages to lays out most of the security team members, MVP bails. Porter walks to the top of the ramp and waves goodbye to Shawn, only to walk into the Big Show. After a few punches, MVP evades further damage.
While Big Show is out in the ring, he looks around at the fallen security members. He notices a leg shaking under the ring and pulls the man out. In a Smackdown security shirt, Chavo Guerrero begs Show to have mercy on him. Show helps him to his feet, pats him on the head, and grabs him by the throat. He hauls himself and Chavo up on the apron and tells the referee to the ring the bell. Show pulls off a single Chokeslam on Chavo and gets the pin.
Paul London and Brian Kendrick defeat Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang to tie up the Best-of-Seven Series at three wins to three. Moore and Yang pull out all the stops to try and finish off the duo, but London and Kendrick manage to come out of the bout with the win. Paul London uses Yang's Moonsault Press to roll Jimmy up for the pin. London and Kendrick are rather excited and jump into each other's arms in celebration. Sure, when London and Kendrick leap into each other's arms, the fans love it. When I find out where you live, knock on your door, and jump into your arms, I'm suddenly "arrested." I like it when people spin me around. What's wrong with what? - London and Kendrick and Moore and Yang visit Vickie Guerrero's office for an important meeting. The Smackdown General Manager congratulate both teams on a tremendous series so far. Vickie reviews the classic matches of yesteryear and claims that this series should go down as the best. She wants both teams to know that the series will conclude at the Pay-Per-View in a match that is likely to steal the show. Before the teams can inquire about the seventh match, Vickie makes references to the "former" and the "latter," but she pronounces "latter" as if it has two Ds, not a pair of Ts. I know, I know. Can I guess? Are they going to have a former match? Hold on for one second. I don't get it. Thankfully, Vickie clarifies her witty pun and announces that Paul London and Kendrick will face Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang in a ladder match for the SWE Tag Team Championship. What is a former match anyway? For the finish of a former match, do I refer to the match prior to it? - Maria interviews Gregory Helms and asks the question that every wrestling fan wants answered: why is his wrestling name Gregory Helms? Gregory scoffs at the question and does not choose to dignify it with a response, which is typical conduct for a man whose wrestling name is Gregory Helms. Gregory tells Maria that names don't matter when Vickie Guerrero believes in you. After all, he's in the main event tonight. For a man named Gregory Helms, this is a tremendous feat indeed.
MATCH 4: Main Event
In another world, the Undertaker beats Gregory Helms in the close match. On Earth, the Undertaker decimates Gregory Helms in a lopsided squash that features unlimited Chokeslams and Tombstones. What did Gregory Helms do to deserve such harsh punishment? Oh, right. His wrestling name is Gregory Helms. You can't fight the Undertaker with a name like Gregory Helms. With a wrestling name like Gregory, you might as well forfeit the match before you step inside the building. The Undertaker does not bow down to the weak. So, why would he bow down to Gregory? - Umaga makes an abrupt entrance. With the World Heavyweight Championship in his teeth, he lumbers down the aisle and locks eyes with the Deadman. Umaga throws the championship belt down and proceeds to walk up the steel steps. As Undertaker prepares to fight him, Umaga backtracks and heads on over to the casket up against the apron. For about twelve hours, he divides his focus between the Undertaker and the casket. First, here's the Undertaker. Then, here’s a casket. Undertaker, Undercasket. Undertaker, Undercasket again. He looks back and forth so much that if you play this segment in slow motion, Umaga's head will turn at normal speed. Umaga attempts to destroy the casket with his bare hands. The Undertaker realizes Umaga's intentions. He executes his running suicide dive over the ropes onto an unsuspecting Umaga. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment can't build another casket that can house Umaga. Caskets for Umaga are difficult to make. I have to hire an casket interpreter for him as well.
SEPTEMBER 12, 2008
- Maria interviews Shawn Michaels about his upcoming SWE United States Championship shot against MVP at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr. Michaels talks about the reinstatement of the Superkick, but says that he does not need it to defeat someone like MVP. Tonight, Shawn Michaels urges Montel Vontavious Porter and Edge to bring everything that they have to squared circle. They can’t bring everything. What are they going to do with a microwave or a shoebox full of receipts in a wrestling match? Cook their receipts on high for five minutes? That's a TNA thing. - A video montage promotes the Pay-Per-View ladder match between London and Kendrick and Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang. I hope they will be able to the top the great ladder match moments of the past. Do you remember when Rey Mysterio and the late Eddie Guerrero fought for the custody of Dominic Mysterio? I do. I wanted to see Dominic hang from the rafters, which would force Mysterio and Guerrero to try and pull him down from the reinforced hook to win. Unfortunately, that's not how World Wrestling Entertainment does their ladder matches. What a shame. - Backstage, Johnny Jeter encounters Cherry. The former valet for Deuce 'n Domino asks Johnny what he's doing after tonight's match. A shy Johnny Jeter replies that he may go down to the all-night mini-golf course. He asks Cherry if she wants to join him. Without hesitation, Cherry tells Johnny to pick her up at the end of the show. I don't know if Johnny should go out with her. He's from the other side of the tracks, while Cherry is from the other side of the other side of the tracks. Plus, Johnny's mother may embarrass him by asking Cherry to push their station wagon down the street. In the background, the wise Funaki believes that Johnny Jeter has made a wise decision to be with her. Mr. Funaki paints a traditional, Japanese, watercolour painting of Johnny hitting that.
In the rematch, Johnny Jeter's love for Cherry triumphs over all. For the second week in a row, The Cobras and Mr. Funaki defeat Vladimir Kozlov, Jamie Noble, and The Great Khali with the Jeter’s Crane Kick on Noble. In the back, Cherry is so excited about Johnny’s win that her roller skates transform into rocket skates. May Johnny Jeter and Cherry do it on the moon. Mr. Funaki reacts to the tag victory by painting another watercolour painting of Johnny hitting that twice. Ken Doane uses the Etch-A-Sketch because he is still a novice at pornographic art. - In defeat, Vladimir Kozlov expresses his disappointment with Jamie Noble's performance by laying him out with a headbutt. The Great Khali blocks Kozlov to protect his helpless chum. For Khali’s bravery, Vladimir rewards him with several headbutts. Kozlov exits the ring to the jeers of angry fans. Jamie Noble wanted to be your pal. Jamie Noble wanted to be the hitch to your trailer. Why, Vladimir Kozlov, why? I hope you get zero percent on every one of your favourite Guitar Hero songs. - Bam Neely and a bandaged Chavo Guerrero stand before Vickie Guerrero's office door. Bam Neely states his interest for a shot against the future SWE Tag Team Champions. Chavo mentions that he is not in great shape at the moment. Neely and Chavo proceed to argue about whether or not they should enter the tag team title hunt. As a test to see if Chavo is ready to compete, Bam Neely questions if the Mexican Warrior wants to be a winner or wants to get destroyed by Big Show every week. Chavo is quick to reply that he does not want to face any shows that are of the big variety.
Bam Neely and Chavo Guerrero defeat Jesse and Festus with Chavo's horrible version of the Frog Splash. I have never seen an uglier Frog Splash in my entire life than the one that Chavo Guerrero uses. If that is how a frog splashes, I am going to assume that frogs are the laughing stock of the amphibian world. Neely allows Chavo to heal up as he wrestles for the majority of the match. When Festus, the illegal man, gains the advantage over Bam, Chavo dings the ring bell to stop his crazed rampage. Once Chavo accepts the tag, he nails the Brainbuster on Jesse and imitates a frog whose movements suggests a severe lack of grace and agility.
Gregory Helms enters the rings and brags that Vickie Guerrero has scheduled a matchup between himself and a worthy competitor. Helms speaks out against the viewers who dislike his wrestling name. He claims that his name is not an intimidating name, but it's a name. He's right, you know. His name is, in fact, a name. As the arena audience replies with a "I Don't Want to Watch Matches That Have A Dude Named Gregory in Them" chant, Gregory Helms throws down his microphone in frustration. Then, Umaga makes his entrance and destroys Gregory with a Samoan Drop in about ten seconds. Do you know those personal license plates that you can buy at gift shops? Do you know what's the least popular license plate? Gregory. - Maria fails to get an interview with The Great Khali. The moment that she mentions Kozlov, Khali places his head in his hands. Thanks to Kozlov, I will have to buy Jamie a present for being such a trooper. Guess what, Kozlov? I'm buying Noble a copy of Rock Band 2.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Shawn Michaels and the Big Show beat Montel Vontavious Porter and Edge with a Superkick that misses MVP and hits the R-Rated Superstar. On one hand, MVP shows his intelligence by ducking Michaels' Superkick. On the other hand, Edge stands in place and lets the Superkick ravage his facial features. Surgeons will reconstruct his face to make him the PG-13 Superstar. - The druids gain another payday as they roll the now infamous wooden casket to the ring. Midway through the entrance, Umaga emerges from the back and attacks the druids. He screams at the casket and waits for the lid to rise. After inspecting the exterior of the casket, Umaga opens the lid and finds it empty. Umaga tilts his head in confusion and digs around the casket in hopes to gain a hint about the Undertaker's whereabouts. While he reaches both hands into the casket, the arena lights go out. When they return, the entire aisle is filled with wooden caskets. Yes, we got our wholesale discount. Thanks, Casket Emporium. Surrounded by wooden caskets, Umaga freaks out and attacks them all.
Feud Ratings Before Final Pay-Per-View: Undertaker vs. Umaga: 90% Shawn Michaels vs. MVP: 87% London and Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang: 71%
News: - Pope Todd Grisham renewed his “poping” license.
AUGUST 19, 2008
- Disco Inferno, the ECW General Manager addresses the audience from his disco office. Disco encourages the viewers to stick around tonight for they will see Samoa Joe defend the ECW Championship against a random opponent. I will be there because I have no choice. Plus, my remote is so far away. My remote sends me postcards from Parts Unknown, which looks like a nice metropolitan area, reminiscent of Chicago. Because my remote writes to me from Parts Unknown, it can inform me about some parts of the city, but not others.
In his ECW debut match, Colt Cabana defeats Matt Striker with the Colt 45. While Colt celebrates his first win in the corner of the ring, Big Daddy V runs at Colt and takes him out with an avalanche. Colt attempts to roll out of the ring, but Striker holds him down so V can connect with a huge splash. V and Striker leave the ring together as Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly arrive to assist Cabana. Sorry, Colt. Due to their lucrative modelling jobs, Sydal and Kelly were late. They were busy riding naked on a lion in some kind of exotic jungle setting.
The Boogeyman and Kane defeat Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin when Kane sends Benjamin to the hellish depths of the unwashed wrestling mat. In victory, Boogeyman eats worms while Kane devours chewy gummy worms that come from a dark, traumatic upbringing. - We return to Disco's office where he prepares to pick a random opponent for tonight's main event through a Rube Goldberg machine. A tennis racket will hit a stick of dynamite, which will lodge itself into a birthday cake. When the birthday cake explodes, a piece of cake shall hit a piñata suspended above the room. When that piñata swings five times to the right, it shall hit a set of dominoes in the shape of the ECW logo. When the dominoes topple, the last domino will strike a marble. That marble will roll down a ramp counterclockwise. When that marble hits the bottom of the ramp, it will trigger a catapult. That catapult will fling a hat into Disco's hands. In the end, Disco will put a bunch of names into that hat, then pick a name. How simple is that? Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin barge into the room to discuss their worth to the brand. Disco chastises both men for interrupting him. Burke and Benjamin wonder when they will get their rightful shot to shine in ECW. Fed up with their whining, Disco agrees to take both men under his wing and lead them to greatness. Yes, this will be great. - A Braden Walker-like figure appears in front of an Old Western saloon. He sports a cowboy hat, a pair of cowboy boots with glistening spurs, and a dust-covered jacket. A scruffy gang appears in the windows of the building, toting rifles. Without speaking a word, the figure points his index finger like a gun at each gang member. Through the power of his finger bullets, half of the gang falls backwards while the other half's pants fall down to their ankles. So, he's playing Wild Gunman? Nuts. My light gun doesn't work anymore.
MATCH 3: ECW Championship Main Event Match
Samoa Joe succeeds in his ECW Championship defense against Tommy Dreamer. If Tommy is extreme enough to wear a t-shirt in competition, I assume that he is extreme enough to wear a t-shirt at a water park. The ECW Original comes close to defeating the TNA Original, but Dreamer is no match for the Samoan Submission Machine’s Coquina Clutch. I never purchase Samoan Submission Machines because I don't know how to use them. The instructions for such machines are in Samoan. - AJ Styles walks down to the ring and snatches Joe's ECW title from the timekeeper's table. He slides into the ring and tries to hand the belt to the champion. Samoa Joe argues with AJ about the whole deal. Joe eventually grabs the belt from him with a annoyed expression on his face. As Joe turns around, AJ Styles kicks Joe in the back of the head with the Pelé. AJ's sneaky tactics inspire me to do something better with my life. When I get the chance to hand out college diplomas for my future alma mater, I shall hand each graduate the rolled up piece of paper, then unleash a tiger on that graduate.
AUGUST 26, 2008
- Pope Todd Grisham interviews AJ Styles concerning his recent attack on ECW Champion Samoa Joe. Because Joe knows AJ well, he does not understand how he did not see the Pelé coming. I don't blame Joe for not noticing the Pelé. While I am not a professional wrestler, I have been struck with the Pelé several times. In most cases, I was hit with the Pelé on a soccer field. I do not expect bicycle kicks to occur in a wrestling ring. AJ suggests that Joe should pay attention if he doesn't want to get hit with another kick in the future. The same sentimental goes for his opponent tonight. On this fateful Tuesday, Styles goes up against Jeff Hardy. This contest will be excellent. Get ready to embark on another fliptastic voyage. - Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin cannot stop complaining to Disco Inferno. Disco shuts the two up momentarily by conjuring up a plan for immediate success. An ungrateful Burke and Benjamin convey their displeasure towards a possible alliance with Disco. The ECW General Manager reasons with both men and allows them to think this business relationship through before they commit. Disco warns them that if they refuse to align themselves with him, they will be sorry. A warning from Disco might as well be a warning from the President of the World himself. In a ironic twist, the President of the World is the Disco Inferno.
Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin lose to The Boogeyman and Kane because they refuse to believe in Disco’s plan. In this match, Burke falls victim to The Boogeyman's double choke bomb, which is move that consists of two, single choke bombs poorly executed at the same time. In the bedroom, I use the double choke bomb on two lovely ladies to simultaneously disappoint both of them. This is how I do. Burke and Benjamin mope around the ring and argue about their defeat.
Kofi Kingston defeats John Morrison in a battle without inference from The Miz. Mike Mizanin's absence does not bode well for John Morrison. The Dirt Sheet gets cleaner every day that John Morrison and The Miz fail to stay on the same page. What will become of this duo? Will they feud to see over who has the bigger ego? Yes, that is exactly what will happen. You will not see a sixth installment. Therefore, this is not a spoiler. - Grey curtain promo bonanza. Samoa Joe, the ECW Champion, thanks AJ Styles for kicking him in the face. Of course, he is as sarcastic as a very sarcastic man. Samoa Joe urges AJ to challenge him for the title again to end their rivalry. He is so ready for him. Did Samoa Joe's mother sleep with sarcasm to make Samoa Joe? In Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, Samoa Joe is one-third Samoan, two-thirds sarcastic.
MATCH 3: Main Event
AJ Styles defeats Jeff Hardy with the Spiral Tap. As Jeff tries his darnedest to beat AJ, the Phenomenal One is rather phenomenal in this bout. At various points in the matchup, AJ Styles reverses a Twist of Fate attempt into a Styles Clash and counters the Whisper in the Wind with a Pelé in mid-air. Elsewhere, the ECW Champion sarcastically cheers for AJ. In grey curtain promos that feature Samoa Joe, even the grey curtain is sarcastic.
SEPTEMBER 1, 2008
Big Daddy V wipes the grin off Colt Cabana's face with a splash in the center of the ring. Matt Striker demands that Big Daddy V should finish the job. Striker whips Cabana with his retractable pointer for good measure. As V prepares for a splash from the middle turnbuckle, Matt Sydal sprints to the ring and jumps on V's back. He slaps on the sleeper until Big Daddy V throws him up and over his head. Sydal's momentum sends him onto Colt Cabana for an inadvertently sommersault senton. With Sydal and Cabana in a vulnerable position, V goes for another splash. In a last ditch effort to save Sydal and Cabana, Kelly Kelly blocks V’s path and slaps him in the face. Women's Special Slap your way to success, woman. V takes offense to this slap and hauls Kelly body away from the ring. Striker laughs at the two fallen men as he walks into the extreme sunset. - Disco Inferno searches SWE wardrobe to provide a new look for Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin. Disco picks out two groovy two outfits in the bottom of the deep travel case. Burke and Benjamin express their hatred for bad clothing without seeing what Disco has picked out for the duo. They should not worry. Disco Inferno is a General Manager with a tremendous fashion sense.
"Das Wunderburke" Elijah Burke and Disco Benjamin show up for their tag team match in clothes reminiscent of the glory days of Alex Wright and the Disco Inferno. Upon sight of them, I am shedding tears of happiness. I have never seen such a beautiful, poetic vision. Disco Inferno encourages Burke and Benjamin to dance their way to the ring, but they refuse. To their surprise, Burke and Benjamin defeat The Boogeyman and Kane when Disco connects with a super secret Chart Buster on The Boogeyman. Benjamin takes the pinfall to the tune of disco music. Disco Inferno dances under the mirror ball as Burke and Benjamin somewhat dance in place. If Elijah Burke can do the Alex Wright dance, I will devour one killer whale whole. I'm not kidding. - Pope Todd Grisham interviews a distraught Matt Sydal and Colt Cabana. Sydal glares into the camera and dares Big Daddy and Matt Striker to face them in a tag match next week. Sydal prays that Kelly Kelly is okay. He warns V that if he hurts Kelly, he will make him pay. This Abercrombie & Fitch model will make Big Daddy V his Abercrombie & Bitch. Uh huh. That's right, girlfriends. - Backstage, John Morrison catches up with The Miz and berates him for his no-show last Tuesday. The Miz says that while he considers Morrison a friend, he needs to do what's right for himself. John Morrison his flowing hair and a pronounced jaw line. Does that mean anything to you? Morrison wants to talk more with him, but The Miz makes him talk to the hand so he can chat with Hollywood big wigs on his cell phone. Big wigs or Morrison's flowing hair? You can only choose one.
MATCH 3: Main Event
In a four corners main event between ECW Champion Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Jeff Hardy, and Tommy Dreamer, Samoa Joe attains the W. Joe spends the duration of the contest trying to get the pinfall before AJ can intervene. AJ breaks up numerous pins and almost pins Joe himself after a brief, three-on-one string of finishers. In a dead portion of the match with all four competitors down, Joe rolls over and submits Jeff Hardy in the Coquina Clutch before AJ can break up the hold.
SEPTEMBER 8, 2008
- "Das Wunderburke" Elijah Burke and Disco Benjamin thank the ECW General Manager for his assistance. Disco Inferno stresses that they should not thank him; rather, they should thank themselves for embracing the majesty of disco dancing. Burke and Benjamin wonder where their new personas will take them. Disco answers their question by disco dancing. The first WWE Diva who disco dances on weekly television will be my soulmate. Put disco dancing John Cena in a feminine wig and he may make me swoon.
"Das Wunderburke" Elijah Burke and Disco Benhamin's one-match winning streak continues with a victory over John Morrison and The Miz. The twirling reflections of the mirror ball above them inspire the dancing duo to persevere against anti-disco adversity. After the match, The Miz walks out on John Morrison and leaves the fantasy world of the Palace of Wisdom for The Real World. This is true story of The Miz... picked to live in a palace that isn't on a cloud... attracting baby chickens on tape... to find out what's like... when he stops using John Morrison's conditioner... and starts paying for his own hat-cleaning bills ... on The Real World. - A hype video features the Braden Walker-esque Cowboy. He walks to the arena at high noon, but the arena is not open yet. Please forgive him. He is new. In a deep, scratchy voice, "Wildcat" invites the audience to the Wild, Wild West. I'm there, Braden Walker-esque Cowboy. You're speaking my language -- English.
"Wildcat" Chris Harris makes his Extreme Championship Wrestling debut with a win over Mike Knox via the Catatonic. For any ECW wrestler, a victory over Mike Knox is a rite of passage. I for one do not accept the presence of a new wrestler in ECW until he defeats or suggests that he can defeat Mike Knox. In place of a measuring stick, Mike Knox does the trick. - AJ Styles and Samoa Joe have a heart-to-heart discussion in the ring. AJ and Joe agree that they their match at the Pay-Per-View shall be their last encounter for a long while. While they shake hands, AJ tells Joe that when he becomes the new ECW Champion, Joe can visit the belt whenever he pleases. AJ Styles and Samoa Joe must be brothers from different sarcastic mothers and or fathers.
MATCH 3: Main Event
Matt Sydal and Colt Cabana bring hope to All-American models everywhere by defeating Big Daddy V and Matt Striker. V and Striker manhandle their adversaries for most of the bout. They seek to end the careers of both opponents with Big Daddy V's patented avalanche splash. At the last second, Kelly Kelly breaks free from the shackles that bind her to the timekeeper's table, hops onto the ring apron, and shoves Sydal and Cabana out of harm's way. In response, V and Striker bring Kelly Kelly into the ring. Big Daddy V bounces off the ropes for the splash on Kelly‘s prone body, but gets lost in Kelly's provocative pose as she arches her back on the canvas. The momentary distraction gives Cabana the opportunity to spit a mixed drink in V and Striker's faces. As Matt Striker tumbles out of the ring, Matt Sydal kicks V in his Little Daddy Vs. On the top turnbuckle, Sydal does an All-America pose and launches himself onto V with the Shooting Star Press. Sydal helps Kelly to her feet and recreates the industrial warehouse kiss on Page 47 of the Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue. Why are two people making out in an industrial warehouse? Are they on their lunch break? I’ll allow it.
Feud Ratings Before Final Pay-Per-View: Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles: 90%
SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr Pay-Per-View Results
Homicide and Hernandez are the new World Tag Team Champions. They have turned out to be noble thugs. I would let my non-existent daughters date them. I want them to have this upside-down cake that I made. I hope they like pineapple and shoe leather.
SWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Triple H dethrones King William Regal to regain the SWE Championship. Members of the kingdom try to end the match through blatant acts of disqualification. Princess Katie Lea drags William Regal up the aisle for the count out loss, but Hunter pulls her back and gives her the Pedigree. Next, Duke David Harry Smith gains the referee's attention and takes a swing at Triple H. In response, Hunter ducks and gives the Duke a Pedigree of his very own. Last but not least, Prince Paul runs at Hunter with a steel chair, only for the challenger to give him the Pedigree as well. With Regal’s Kingdom out of commission, Regal begs forgiveness. Hunter nails King Regal with the Pedigree as a sign that he will never forgive him. Hunter caps off the win by knocking Regal out with another Pedigree.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP CASKET MATCH
Umaga rests in peace on behalf of the Undertaker. At one point, Umaga manages to roll the Undertaker into the casket, but forgets to close the lid. While he celebrates, Undertaker steps out of the casket and lurks behind Umaga. Soon enough, he stuffs the Samoan Bulldozer into the casket with the Chokeslam and poses on top of the closed lid.
SWE INTERCONTINTENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP CAGE MATCH
Unable to follow Mr. Kennedy up the cage wall, CM Punk grabs the champion and puts him in the Anaconda Vice. Mr. Kennedy attempts to battle out of the submission by attacking Punk's legs, but the hold is in too tight. In the end, Mr. Kennedy taps out, which gives CM Punk his first Intercontinental Championship reign.
SWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Montel Vontavious Porter does everything in his power to evade Michaels' Superkick. In the finish, Porter uses his SWE United States Championship as a shield and blocks music from striking his sweet chin. Upon impact with the faceplate, Michaels hurts his leg. As he turns around, MVP catches him with the corner kick and pins him to retain the belt.
BEST-OF-SEVEN SERIES FOR THE SWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP - MATCH 7 - LADDER MATCH
Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang defeat Paul London and Brian Kendrick to win the series, four matches to three. Highlights include Kendrick pulling off Sliced Bread #2 on Jimmy Wang Yang from the top of the ladder and Shannon Moore taking down London and Kendrick on the outside with a Sky Twister Press from the middle rung. A fist fight ensues with all four men on four different ladders before Moore and Yang simultaneously tip over the ladders of London an Kendrick. Both Moore and Yang grab a championship belt and hold it high in victory.
WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP STREET FIGHT MATCH
In a violent contest that takes its physical toll on both teams, the Latin American Xchange defeat Cryme Tyme to become the new World Tag Team Champions. Prior to the bell, LAX park a small car near the aisle. As the teams brawl to that area, Homicide hits Shad with JTG's own crutch. Then, Hernandez plants JTG on the hood of the car with the Border Toss for the win.
SWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP SUBMISSION MATCH
To pay Natalya back for what she did to her, Mickie James wins the SWE Women's Championship with the Sharpshooter. Every chance that Natalya gets to attack Mickie's back, the challenger reverses and executes the same move on her. With the championship belt in her hands, Mickie stands over Natalya, who clutches her back in agony.
ECW CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
On this Sunday night, Samoa Joe retains his ECW Championship with the Muscle Buster on the challenger. AJ Styles seeks to nail Joe with the Spiral Tap, but the champion crotches him on the top turnbuckle and connects with a spinning Muscle Buster for the pin.